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To be absolutely flaming furious!

(26 Posts)
Mitmoo Mon 18-Jul-11 16:18:32

My son has ASD HF and OCD. His father took him away for the weekend (didn't return him as arranged but kept him for another day covered on other threads).

I now have a very confused child, I am his only real parent, Dad just takes him out for a few hours when it suits him, sometimes that can be weeks between, never overnights at his home. I do all of the parenting stuff.

He has spent the weekend telling my son I am nuts, he hates me, he won't speak to me because hates my guts, that I baby him and generally sticking the boot in at every opportunity. I divorced this excuse of a human being over a decade ago.

Now I have a child, who only tried to commit suicide a matter of weeks ago and had to have multi agency support involved CAMHS autism support, school the works who is confused as to how much trust he should have in his Mum and feels he is stuck in the middle of the two of us and he is. Not by my choice.

AIBU to be hopping freaking mad that not only did he not return my son, he told my son to take the blame and say he'd forgotten to tell me they were staying until Monday creating an unauthorised absence from school, he doesn't lie well at all bless him and told me he didn't know about stopping until today until they'd left my house.

And now my son is confused, who should he believe is Mum Mad or is Dad lying, he doesn't want Dad to be lying. Why does his Dad hate me so much. He doesn't get it but he knows that he does by everything he says and did. He says his Dad doesn't want me to all him when he is away and makes mys son feel bad.

On the other thread I posted how when I asked for the address of where there were staying, really politely as arranged in front of my son, me ex went totally off on one. Now I know that he had planned to keep him for an extra night without telling me and without his meds and that's why he went ballistic at me.

Sorry it has been a hell of a weekend so I am ranting, this is the final chapter I promise.

MugglesandLuna Mon 18-Jul-11 16:24:07

YANBU at all - poor you. Have a [cuppa] or some wine.

Does your Ex not accept the dx of HFA

StrandedBear Mon 18-Jul-11 16:25:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OldRedEyes Mon 18-Jul-11 16:29:32

blimey, how many more threads are you gonna start about this flaming weekend away OP

if dad only takes him once in a blue moon, is it worth all the angst? I mean really, we have had minute by minute commentary before during and after the flaming trip!!!

Mitmoo Mon 18-Jul-11 16:30:14

No the last time he took him away for a few days he told him he shouldn't be taking tablets at his age and that put him right off kilter. He doesn't accept that he has ASD or OCD and refers to them a just being letters.

wonka Mon 18-Jul-11 16:33:15

OldRedEyes -YABU and rude

TheFeministsWife Mon 18-Jul-11 16:33:40

I feel for you Mitmoo, I think after recent events you really should be considering stopping all contact. The poor boy doesn't know if he's coming or going and you're left to pick up the pieces. I think you would be totally justified in stopping all contact with his dad for the foreseeable future.

Mitmoo Mon 18-Jul-11 16:34:08

Stranded If I did it would have caused my son so much more upset, it wasn't something that would have benefited my son.

I have texted saying no trips ever all contact through me in future. Let's just say he's not impressed.

Old Red Don't read them and don't bother replying. grin There is no law that says you have to. I have had hours of waiting and it's kept me sane to be honest.

Muggles Cheers as soon as I get home I'll have the vino ta.

FabbyChic Mon 18-Jul-11 16:35:27

Refuse him access let him take you to court to get it, then go for supervised access only due to the nature of your sons illnesses.

GypsyMoth Mon 18-Jul-11 16:35:51

So what are arrangements for next contact?

Mitmoo Mon 18-Jul-11 16:36:36

TheFeminists He still wants to see his Dad he loves him still, so the next contact time is going to be very difficult. I hate to see my son so upset.

I have put the school in the picture, they've put it down as authorised but I am glad that I've told them the truth. I said I'd get him back in this afternoon but she said not to worry and bring him back tomorrow.

Mitmoo Mon 18-Jul-11 16:37:46

ILT Right now nothing has been arranged and I am intending to have activities booked for this weekend to give me some breathing space and thinking time.

zukiecat Mon 18-Jul-11 16:39:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fedupofnamechanging Mon 18-Jul-11 16:39:51

I think you have kind of brought this on yourself by allowing your ex to take him away in the first place. You have already said on the other thread that your ex was only supposed to have limited and controlled contact and you increased the contact yourself and have now allowed him to take your child away overnight. You know what he is like and that he is not a fit person to have the child.

I think you should have called the police when he didn't return him for school. Hope you called the school and told them the truth as to why your DS wasn't there this morning as that will help you in court if the need arises.

I am sympathetic because i know you were just trying to help your boy have a relationship with his dad, but you need to accept now that your ex just isn't up to being a responsible parent and so you must go back to limited, supervised contact.

Mitmoo Mon 18-Jul-11 17:31:19

Zukie: Thank you so much I am still as my son wants to see his father so it is going to be hard. A frank exchange of views is needed I have prepared a letter to send him but Im going to sit on it for a few day before posting it so that I less angry and calmer so I'll be confident of the contents.

Karma Yes I have extended contact, the 'indirect contact' order only was over 10 years ago and I've gradually very gradually gone from supervised to unsupervised from a couple of hours to a day building up over years.

It is a a damned if you do and damned in you don't kind of a decision. I thought I was doing the right thing, now ex has formed a bond with his son, he is back to his old ways thinking he can do what he likes if my son agrees. So ex offers son an extra night (preplanned btw) he thinks he can keep him and no consequences. I guarantee he's wrong on that.

Yes I've told the school exactly what has happened.

ShoutyHamster Mon 18-Jul-11 17:35:25

'now ex has formed a bond with his son, he is back to his old ways thinking he can do what he likes if my son agrees.'

That is abusive, taking advantage of a vulnerable person.

Your ex is abusing your son as he did before. Your son may now want to see his father, but you also have to protect him.

If that's the way the wind is blowing, then yes you should stop contact, offer supervised only, and point out that if it weren't for you valuing the bond between father and son and thus allowing contact, he would have lost touch a long time ago. He has abused not only his son, but your willingness to commit to fostering their bond.

Supervised contact, and he can go to court to get it. Otherwise this will ramp up and up, and your son will be the main person to suffer.

DioneTheDiabolist Mon 18-Jul-11 17:42:38

Mitmoo, someone has to do what is best for your son. He can't, his dad won't so you must. I understand that it will cause your DS some pain, but he is in pain now and will continue to be while this situation continues.
You are the only one who can help your DS, do not shirk your duty.

The question is this: Will your Ex respond and comply with clearly laid out boundaries in regards to his time with DS? If the answer is yes, then another trial period is needed. If the answer is no, then contact has to be stopped. He is hurting your son, he is not giving him his medication, he is fucking with his life. Stop him.

Mitmoo Mon 18-Jul-11 18:03:40

Shouty I think for the foreseeable it will have to be at the grandparents home o
nly where he will have to behave himself. I can't see any other way forward though son will find this boring and therefore not want to go. I don't want to play games with this my son is too important but I can't let the father carry on.

I have tried to be fair although ex doesn't see it that way naturally, he thinks I had no right to stop contact before even though he wasn't keeping my son safe. He lost contact for years you'd think he'd learn from that but no this seems to me as if it is him getting his payback but the only one who is hurting is my son. Well OK that hurts me too when he's hurt.

At 14 they will have to factor in the "ascertainable wishes of the child" but the thing that I do have going for me is that CAMHS are aware his father has been problematic throughout the years and they will be on board for the child, which doesn't always mean giving him what he wants.

I think I may need to chat with his autism support worker as well.

Mitmoo Mon 18-Jul-11 18:09:08

Hi Dione
It is not about shirking responsibilities I had to fight this b&stard in court for over two and a half years with a judge even threatening me with jail if I don't comply with an order I felt was unsafe!

We are where we are now and I can't undo any of the past in terms of allowing contact to resume, so my question has to be now there is a bond, even though ex is destructive what is the best way forward for me son.

Clearly no more trips, even though he's not happy about that, no contact unless it comes through me.

My ex is that ex will throw his teddies out of the pram, I'll stand by my guns, then he'll comply for six months or so, then he will play up again. He will NEVER have another overnight so he will NEVER get a chance to screw up with his meds again. That one is well and truly over. I'll take as much flack as I need to over that one from ex and son, that's never happening again.

I hears Mumsnet sigh a massive collective sigh of relief that they won't have another Mitmoo saga weekend. grin

DogsBestFriend Mon 18-Jul-11 18:09:47

ASD or not surely a firm no, that DS is not seeing his father again, will have to be accepted in the end?

Yes, I know it's not as simple as that but IMHO there is no way that it benefits your son's short or long term welfare, health, safety, education or relationship with his full time carer, you, to see such a pathetic arse of a man.

I wouldn't hesitate to tell the ex to go to hell, making damn sure than he never came near my child again, and ride the storm out with my child.

Mitmoo Mon 18-Jul-11 18:12:01

Dogs I'm taking it all on board and will re-read these posts before making any decisions. Perhaps I should send the Ex a copy so he might just start to see himself as others see him.

zukiecat Mon 18-Jul-11 18:13:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Shell85 Mon 18-Jul-11 18:13:40

YADNBU,

God what an dick your ex is.

Personally I would tell your DS that daddy didn't mean what he said, is is just very sad and very angry.

If your DS never sees you rise to his ridiculousness and never seed you loose your temper over this rubbish then he will know exactly who to believe without being told, he will began to see your ex for what he is and hopefully not want any contact with him.

DioneTheDiabolist Mon 18-Jul-11 18:13:49

Supervised contact is the only way to ensure the bond is maintained without it harming your son. Have it arranged through your solicitor.

pigletmania Mon 18-Jul-11 18:21:05

That is awful. I would not allow him to take him again, seeing his father is doing more harm than good

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