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to be really upset at my DH's betrayal?

(174 Posts)
choceyes Mon 18-Jul-11 15:56:41

The health visitor are coming to see us tomorrow about the kids.

About 3 weeks ago, we were all sitting at the dinner table after a long hard day looking after the kids (11 months and 2.8yrs)I was exhuasted. Also I had just had a root canal treatment. Two injection of aesthetics in my mouth and I was feeling very sick. DS of 2.8yrs was misbehvaing at the table as usual, throwing cutlery around, throwing food, spitting out, etc etc etc. ME and DH both warned him but he wouldn't stop, and the red mist decended on me. I picked him up from the table and went to the hall and put him there and shut on door on him. The hall is our time out area. I am ashamed to say that I handled him quite roughly and when I put him in the hall he fell against the pushchair and grazed his back. I didn't even realise that he had fallen, he didn't seem that bothered. Only a few minutes later I realised he had grazed his back against the pushchair.

DH was very upset at this, and I was upset too and felt horribly guilty for days, I still do. It was an accident.I never intentionally harmed him, and I know I was wrong to manhandle him at the time and me feelign ill and tired was not a reason to treat him like that.

A week later DH tells me, he was so upset about the incident, that he told a collegue of his at work (he is a teacher), and this collegue had rung up the child protection people/social sevices . Apparently she was legally obliged to.
They have rung DH and he has now arranged for a health visitor to come around to discuss "matters".

I feel so upset over all of this. I am scared now at what they will do. Apparently when they talked to him over the phone they had said if I don't speak to someone they will put the kids on a at risk register.

I love my kids. The past year has been so tough with looking after the two of them. I lose my temper with DS sometimes and I do shout at him and have pushed him a couple of times when he has hurt DD for the upteenth time that day (he is always trying to hurt her, cannot turn my back on them even for a minute).
But I also spend a lot of time with DS reading him books, taking him to all sorts of activities, kissing and cuddling him and he is well loved.

DH knows all this and I feel betrayed by him that he allowed this to happen. And I am so scared at what they will say tomorrow.

You really need to calm down, they will offer help and support which you must accept. I know you're resentful of your dh now, but long term, it can only be a good thing.

Mitmoo Mon 18-Jul-11 16:01:14

You have pushed your son as well?

Take this as an opportunity to get some help. They won't take the kids off you but you certainly need some help with your frustrations. You sound like a bit of a time bomb to me, get yourself some help.

brownleatherbrogues Mon 18-Jul-11 16:03:35

its not your husband who has betrayed

its you who has betrayed your little children as a mother

mums dont push and shove and throw their kids about

Aworryingtrend Mon 18-Jul-11 16:03:57

Assuming that your DH is not a vindictive person, presumably he has done this because he is worried about your childrens' welfare. He has not done it to 'betray' you but to get you some help, which he must beleive that you need.

Has your DH said specifically why he discussed itwith a colleague, and did he know the colleague would report it to child protection? Or was he just venting to a colleague?

bubblesincoffee Mon 18-Jul-11 16:04:01

YANBU to feel scared about the HV coming, but you do need to remember that they are not out to 'get' you. They are there to help you and make sure your children are safe. You love your children, so the fact that there are other people looking out for them is a good thing, right?

YABU to feel betrayed by your DH. It would be much much worse if he really had something that you felt you had to hide. He was upset, and I actually think it is quite cruel to tell someone that they shouldn't be seeking support if they need it. He told a friend, and that friend was concerned. Neither your DH or the friend have done anything wrong. Your husband has not betrayed you, and even if he had, then it would be done out of concern for his own children!

If this friend posted on AIBU, there would be loads of posts saying that it should be reported, mainly because if it was a one off, nothing will come of it and no (further) harm will be done. If it's not a one off, then social services and the health visitor should be involved.

brownleatherbrogues Mon 18-Jul-11 16:04:30

(he is always trying to hurt her, cannot turn my back on them even for a minute)

he is copying that from you

Blurry29 Mon 18-Jul-11 16:05:07

this is just my PO

I am sorry you have found yourself in this position... however..

I do think you need to discuss with a professional about your apparent anger issues before they get out of hand. If you can do those things when only slightly angry then this can build up to something much more serious.

ok, I agree that DH shouldn't have taken this issue out of your house, he should have talked to you first, made you see how your anger is etc, do you have a close enough relationship that he could come and talk to you about this kind of thing? Maybe he felt he couldn't which is why he confided in a friend from work.

I honestly think you need to re-adjust how you deal with bad behaviour from your DS, admitting to pushing him is a no-no!!

Do you deal with your DD in the same fashion?

i don't think you are BU with regards to feeling betrayed but your behaviour and actions are definitley U

BluddyMoFo Mon 18-Jul-11 16:06:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mitmoo Mon 18-Jul-11 16:06:54

Your husband is protecting his children and getting you the help you need. For him to do that he must be really worried. Thank him because your children need you get some help now.

SheCutOffTheirTails Mon 18-Jul-11 16:17:49

Are you really describing the incident as it happened?

It's a little hard to imagine your husband being so upset about something completely accidental, even if it did happen when you were pissed off.

Why do you think he was so upset he spoke to a colleague about it?

Is there anything else you're leaving out?

It all seems so weird.

If I was worried enough about the way DH treated our children that I wanted SS involved, I would not still be living under the same roof as him.

If I confided in a colleague about something like this because I was unsure and that colleague reported it, I would be incredibly pissed off. Nobody's ever going to be telling that person anything ever again, that's for sure.

Laquitar Mon 18-Jul-11 16:21:12

Come down people.
He wasn't 'worried' (if he was he would have phone himself and he houldn't let her in sole charge). He was 'upset' and he let it out to his colegue (like we all do sometimes).

I'm not saying what OP did was right, it wasn't. But its not that shocking really.

OP, work together with your dh, as a team. With his support you can sort it out.

dickiedavisthunderthighs Mon 18-Jul-11 16:22:42

Do you think it's your overall behaviour that's worrying your DH and in his mind this is a pre-emptive strike because he's worried that something really bad will happen?
You mention that you should at DS and have pushed him a couple of times as well as the hall/pram incident. He is only 2 and a half, he's a little toddler, you must see that this is very wrong?
I'd accept all the help that the HV offers, this could be a very good thing for you all.

Laquitar Mon 18-Jul-11 16:22:54

Maybe was the colleague who over reacted

dickiedavisthunderthighs Mon 18-Jul-11 16:23:27

should = shout

knittedbreast Mon 18-Jul-11 16:25:44

yanu to be pissed off.

SheCutOffTheirTails Mon 18-Jul-11 16:26:41

That's what I was thinking too Laquitar

bubblesincoffee Mon 18-Jul-11 16:27:19

How did the colleague over react? S/he was told that the mother of a colleague was so angry that she accidentally injured a very small child. She did exactly the right thing.

What if the OP's agner got so out of control that she accidentally did more damage the next time.

Anger, tiredness and illness do not make what OP did ok! The child had no way to defend himself, and therefore needs adults that know what happened to be concerned!

BarbieLovesKen Mon 18-Jul-11 16:27:44

If your dh pushed you around a couple of times would be ok to you? Or is it only ok to do it to your ds because he's smaller than you? (genuine question)

I think you sound like you are I'm denial about how you treat your children and it's got to a stage where your dh is extremely concerned. I think there's probably a lot more to this- I don't believe that your dh would have been bothered to mention (or even remembered!) it if what really happened was that your da accidentally fell by himself and slightly scraped his back

Blu Mon 18-Jul-11 16:30:33

Brownleather - that's a horrible thing to say and unlikely to be true based on the OP.

Of course toddlers are wildly jealous of a younger child and often both try to hurt them AND behave badly in other ways to get attention. OP, you are in the thick of this and you do sound at the end of your tether.

Just recognise that any help is good - and is help. Maybe the HV can point you to some techniques for managing two children who are at v challenging ages. Maybe she can help you identify whether you are stressed, or actually a bit depressed.

It would have been better if your DH could have dicussed his worries and concerns with you, but are you talking about it now?

I was depressed when DS was 2 and I cringe with horror at some of the things I shouted at him. I would myuch rather have recognised that I needed help soooner - in my case it was a low dose of ADs which sorted me out immmediately.

Allinabinbag Mon 18-Jul-11 16:31:44

Only on MN do people never shout, plonk their children roughly down in time-out (then they fall over), have a bit of a tussle to get clothes off, poke them in the stomach to get them to bend in a pushchair, and that's without even discussing hitting (which surveys show the majority of people do but again, not represented on MN). None of these things are desirable, and if I did any of them (as I did very occasionally when getting extremely frustrated with a toddler) I took it as a warning that I needed to calm down and keep a better check on my temper. However, if my husband had told his colleague about it and they reported me, I would have been extremely annoyed. They do not represent the apex of child abuse, and given that most people occasionally do these things, do not necessarily require extra intervention. No wonder there is no time for serious cases.

I do think you need to take a rain-check on your temper, although actually removing a very disruptive child (or yourself) is usually one of the best things to do. But getting SS involved is OTT...(although in fairness, that wasn't your husband's doing).

BootyMum Mon 18-Jul-11 16:32:11

Oh for God's sake brownleatherbrogues... Your comments are really unhelpful, hysterical and judgemental.
So happy for you in Perfect Parent Land hmm

I have a 2 year, 3 month old and a 5 month old. I have also "manhandled" the 2 year old when he has been tantrumming or I have tried to get him into his highchair, or tried to get him out of his highchair, or into his pushchair or to get him out the door at the end of his playgroup... [you get the picture!]... last resort of course but sometimes there is no rationalising with a toddler and I have to use physical force.

I would also be devastated if I accidently hurt him and it sounds to me as if this is what happened with your DS.

Secondly I have also had to push my DS off his 5 month old baby brother when he is being too rough with him and may be hurting him/about to hurt him. Does not make either of us child abusers imo. BTW my 2 year old is pretty strong and sometimes I have to use more force than I would like but within limits and it doesn't seem to hurt/upset him. My priority however at that time is his smaller more fragile baby brother.

I think from what you have said in your OP the HV is likely to be pretty understanding and may be able to offer some support. Having a toddler and a baby is tiring stressful work and we all feel overwhelmed at times.
I hope someone comes along soon who may be able to give more practical advice re what the HV visit may entail but in the meantime I hope all goes well and try not to worry too much. You sound like a great Mum and we all can use some extra support at times.

choceyes Mon 18-Jul-11 16:32:35

Yes ofcourse I see that what I did to him is very bad. I feel terribly guilty about it, and I feel like a terrible mother.

As for pushing him, it's only happened a couple of times and I couldn't sit around and watch him hurting DD, she doesn't deserve that. The pushing only happened when I was at the end of my tether with him and he has been doing that all day and nothing else had worked.

SheCutOffTheirTails Mon 18-Jul-11 16:33:05

bubbles you have absolutely no idea what that colleague was told.

All we have here is the OP's version of events. We don't know how her DH perceived them (presumably differently from the OP) or what he told his colleague.

If the child was hurt (and I don't think a graze really counts as an injury) by accident, then it is irrelevant whether his mother was angry when it happened.

It's more likely that the DH doubts that it was entirely accidental. But we don't know for sure how he sees things, or what he told his colleague.

However, it is likely that he was confiding in his colleague and not expecting it to go further. I'm not sure a society where people feel they can't confide in friends about issues like this without the authorities being brought it is a safe one for children.

Aworryingtrend Mon 18-Jul-11 16:34:31

Choceyes you haven't answered any of the questions that have been put to you. What has your DH said? Did he speak to the colleague BECAUSE he knew s/he would report it to child protection, or is he annoyed that they have done so?

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