Am so frustrated with DH's procrastinating.(25 Posts)
I'm not quite sure why I'm posting because I know I'm not being unreasonable I'm just not sure how to handle DH's constantly saying he's gonna do a variety of tasks and then not do a single thing. Examples are I asked him before DD2 was born to get a bag of baby clothes out of the attic for me to wash. Over the space of 3 weeks I asked him 3 times. Didn't nag, asked nicely. Next example, DD2 was pulling herself up on her cot. I asked him to lower it because she would certainly fall out. Promised to do it 2 weekends in a row but didn't do it. DD2 fell out of cot and fortunately I was in the room so managed to catch hold of her to soften the blow IYSWIM. Did he lower it? Nope had to wait another 2 days before he did it. Next example, I've booked family holiday and sorted out kids passports. We decided to ask SIL to sign the photos and he was supposed to arrange it this weekend as it needs to be done ASAP. He didn'd bother. There's sooooo many other examples of this it's unbelievable.
If I even dare to ask why or when any of these things will be done I'm met with anger. It's not me that asks him to do any of these things, it's his 1promises. He used to be quite hands on with everything yet since DD2 has been born he's well and truly taken a backseat. I'm sick of hearing that he'll make it up to me and his other empty promises. He's full of hot air and I'm sick of hearing it. Anyone know how to deal with this behaviour?
do things for yourself, don't go on holiday if he cannot sort anything out.
nope. but i know what you mean and i hate it.
mine does the same, however i ask its nagging. if i dont ask he wouldnt notice a hole in the side of the house, men hate being asked to do anything.
write him a list of say 5 things, if he mananges 3 youve done well. give him a week to get them finished. reward system?
im being sarcastic but i bet if u offered him an ahem oral massage all 5 things would get done.
its the babying of men from their mothers to their wives. then they turn into grumpy old gis who "cant" change. my arse.
im not bitter.
did you cook him a dinner after you asked him to get he stuff out of the attick?
Coz I used to make damm sure that if i asked for something, i did nothing for him until he did something for me.
Works a treat!
I've got one of these too. It's bloody annoying. I could do most of the things myself but it is a lot easier for him to do some of them AND I don't see why I should do absolutely everything.
He will do stuff if I nag but I hate doing that. I also hate that I am reasonable for always thinking what needs to be done. He is 36. Can he not think for himself ffs?
Yeah mine tried to place me in the role of "nagging harridan" but I wasn't having any of it.
I used to ask once and then nothing of his would get done until my thing was done.
FFS, I used to cook dinner and clean up every single day - i didn't need to be nagged I just did it and he should just do it too IMO
Honestly, it so annoying. I wouldn't mind if it was stuff I asked him to do but it isn't and that's what gets to me. He offers to do things and then gets mad when I ask about it. If I asked in an accusatory manner I'd understand the aggression but I ask because I know he won't bother so I'll just get on with it. I keep telling him he's setting himself up to fail.
After he once accused me of nagging I decided to change tactics with him, i.e. asking once nicely, rewarding things when they do get done but it just seems to get worse. Why should he get patted on the back for making a minimal input when I do the bulk of the work and get zilch recognition?
he gets nasty and aggressive when you ask him to do something he doesn't want to do because he knows you'll stop asking eventually because you don't want a confrontation. It's a form of domestic abuse and you need to clamp down on it NOW before you're divorced.
I learnt the hard way and divorced mine - he was just too much fucking trouble.
domestic abuse? really? hmm maybe il cite that next time to him
Next time he says he'll do something just say "I don't believe you." and then when he asks what you mean tell him that he's always saying he'll do things and never does. If he starts getting angry walk away. It might just make him think. If he denies it have a list of things he's said he'll do and never did.
Fabby - why should she "do things for herself"? That will just lead to her doing everything all the time. That's a one-way ticket to doormat-hood. Plus, last time I checked, looking after your DC is not doing something "for yourself", it's doing something for the DC. Her DH is equally responsible for the children, yet he seems to be pushing all his share of the responsibility off onto her.
I can sympathise as I have one a bit like this - DH does incline towards laziness and, given half a chance, would sit and watch telly while I ran round like my arse was on fire. For us, it's a little different as he works very very long hours, so it seems quite fair for me to do more in the house than him (working on the "equal amounts of leisure time" principle) iyswim. My approach to getting him to do stuff is to assess how important things are - for instance, the cot-lowering thing is essential for safety of DC. DH works better with one task on the list at a time and seems to find a huge long list of tasks offputting, so I prioritise things and just mention one or maybe two things at once. So I'd ask him to lower the cot and not mention any other jobs till that was done (and tbf he would do it that day). When it's done I'll suggest some more stuff. Also I think it helps when he sees that I'm doing something too - so I might suggest he do x while I do y.
I think the anger thing is a totally separate issue. If DH ever got pissed at me for trying to get us organised, I'd rip him a new one. If one person in a family does all the domestic organisation, you can't complain that they organise stuff... Have you tries suggesting to him that he take over the role of family organiser (every family needs one person to co-ordinate things - if he doesn't like the way you do it, perhaps he should give it a go).
A Last Minute Larry I've got one too & they can be bloody INFURIATING
I don't nag - CBA & it doesn't work - but I do go on strike from time to time - or start leaving the computer open on property searches at the other end of the country - I also find sarccy announcements on Facebook work wonders too - he'll throw a wobbly, which I'll ignore but the embarrassment factor usually works PDQ
mind you, I'm still waiting for mine to sort out DDs passport too - he keeps going on about us needing a holiday, but I'm sick & bloody tired of asking him - so I left out some bultins paperwork last night & reminded him that would be it without a passport for DD- that was after I sat wittering away about how p taking the holiday companies are with single supplements, but then I suppose its cheaper than a family holiday & I can go anywhere I like - not sure he's twigged yet - but he will - I expect the passport will be done tonight
Basically if like mine your DH is a good guy in other ways, then you just have to learn to relax & not let it wind you up & box clever over getting things done - for example a week of my cooking him no meals, no washing sex or packed lunches or ANY effort for him on my part got the spare room papered overnight
a) do it yourself
b) if things dont get done and for example you cant go on holiday, let him deal with the consequences
If you can't do it yourself then get somebody in and pay them to do the jobs, that should do the trick.
Regarding the passport, your sil can't sign it as she is family.
My DP does this constantly, then every now and then, he'll rush around all of a panic doing everything and be so pleased with himself, but why can't be just do things when they need doing??
My engagement ring is a case in point, in February we got engaged, he said he wanted to add my ring to the house insurance as he didn't want me to know what he spent on it, I added his name on so he could make this one phone call - has it happend yet? nope....
and my car stereo, he broke it about 9 months ago, keeps saying he'll fix it... hasn't happened
The attic thing I can understand because I assume you were heavily pregnant at the time. I don't get why you couldn't lower the cot or ask a neighbour/friend to sign the passport (family aren't allowed to IIRC). Both things take 10 mins tops.
Before you think I'm unsympathetic, I'm not; I have a fairly useless DH when it comes to doing things, but mainly it's because he's dozy and forgets. I've taken to writing lists of things that need doing and tick them off when he or I have done things. He can then see it too and will remember more easily.
I also sat down with him once and we went through everything that needed doing in the house (incl. cleaning etc) and worked out who did what, and actually I was surprised at how much he did that I took for granted.
Get a noticeboard/whiteboard and write the tasks down on there so you don't have to nag.
"I've taken to writing lists of things that need doing and tick them off when he or I have done things"
Yep I do this too. And sometimes we allocate tasks between ourselves - so my initial goes next to some of the jobs and his next to others.
As well as being a reminder, it also makes it easy to see when one of us is doing far more than the other. My DH is forgetful about home stuff, but he does feel guilty if I've done loads and he doesn't, so this works quite well.
If you have a DH who doesn't feel guilty about not pulling their weight, though, you have a bigger problem.
I find getting on with stuff myself seems to motivate DH. I also talked generally to him about stuff we needed doing around the house. For the last few weekends I've been scheduling a "longer term" task for each weekend. yesterday I sorted out DD2's toys, last w/e was DD1's, w/e before was the least organised kitchen cupboards and w/e before I did the understairs cupboard. Next couple of weekends - DVD/CDs and paperwork! Cleared out all manner of clutter and rubbish, and stuff that doesn't get used/played with.
Now we have a newly painted porch, DH is also talking about doing the hall, finally doing the skirting boards and doors in the kitchen and we have had someone in to look at doing the bathroom. Progress!
I'd agree with the general consensus - if it's bugging you that much, do it yourself. If you can't physically do it yourself, then hire someone else to do it and cut the cash out the shopping budget....
I vividly remember doing this when pregnant with 2nd baby. I'd repeatedly asked him to carry out a whole load of junk from our spare room and he'd failed spectacularly over the course of about 6 months to do it. I hired some very nice young men to come and clear it out over a weekend after reaching breaking point. And then refused point blank to buy DH's bloody bottled water, any red meat or basically any extras for him over the next few shops - easily paid for it! He on the other hand, learned very quickly that there would be consequences to his laziness.
I find with DH he struggles to differentiate between "actually this is quite an urgent job that needs doing now" and "this is something that might be worth doing sometime but if it was still not done this time next year it wouldn't be a disaster". So I treat him like I would someone at work and say "do you think you could get it done by tonight/tomorrow/sensible timeframe" or "when do you think you can get this done?" . He's then committed to a time so if he's not done it after that time you are within your rights to point out that he committed to something and didn't do it without being accused of nagging. Does require your DH to be a reasonable sort and for you to work out what is important and what you don't need to stress over.
Forget whether or not he thinks you're nagging. Up the ante and 'break his balls' to get him to do things. And yes, stop doing things for him if he won't pull his weight.
I do also agree with insomnia I too find that starting to do things myself usually has him finally getting his act together & taking it over - though I also understand thats not always possible, some things I just can't physically manage these days & if you are pregnant then thats going to hinder you too - I also find it doesn't always work either, going on strike etc is always effective
I've got to add though, do any of you actually wonder WHY your DH/DPs are like this?? with my own I've noticed he can get worse if he's under any sort stress & it seems to be linked to childhood stuff, & its almost like a form of self punishment, at least with my DH that seems to be the case.
He DOES always get things done - eventually & I've learned over the years that sometimes I just need to back off & trust him in that - not easy, & where things don't have a deadline it won't work, so I have to resort to the above
A classic example of where my DH makes it harder for himself, than he does me, is a few years ago when we had a new floored laid & needed the carpet lifting & a level floor underneath for that to be done - not something I could do for health reasons - We knew the chippy was coming 2 months ahead of the date, it was in a large room, with a carpet that had NEVER been lifted & its an old property, so he had no idea what was under the carpet, he insisted he knew it was concrete, as he'd lifted one corner - but since day 1, I kept saying, you can't be sure, don't leave it til the last minute or you might get a shock & it be more work than you think
He finally lifted it the night before the Chippy was due at 8 a.m - turned out I was right - the floor had old ceramic tiles over half of it - DH ended up having to work right through the night getting the tiles up - he did it in time, but nigh on killed himself - & he wondered why I had no sympathy
I know myself sometimes that if a task seems too large or unwieldy I don't feel like even starting it- especially as I'm a completer finisher. I've started so I'll finish.
I think by removing some of the obstacles (We can't do decorating as stuff needs sorting out first/house needs tidying) and by talking about what needs doign and breaking it down, it motivated DH to get something done.
It's annoying and something my DH does too. However I do think you should have just sorted the cot yourself......surely that would have been better than the worry that your DD might potentially fall out and hurting herself?
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