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Would this cause such sn issue in your house?

(57 Posts)
Elemis Mon 18-Jul-11 06:14:17

There is a huge backstory, but wanted to see what you thought if the basic premise.
I'm very close to my family but they live 200 miles away.
My mum has looked after ds for long weekends at her house and at our house. She knows and understands ds probably better than dh. Dh likes to think of himself as a good father, but lacks patience and understanding and is very selfish. He works away a lot, sometimes 2 week trips, and has also booked a fair number of boys trips over the years. He also has a lot of nights out with clients and/ friends.
My mum asked could she take ds home with her, so he could see the family, his cousins etc.
And then I would go down and pick him up. He would be away for 3 nights, then with me, a further 2 nights.
Dh seemed to have no problem with this.
Mum gets here and he turns.
Insists on putting ds to bed(never offered before)
Insists on reading him stories, bangs around the house, makes snidey comments, baits my mum into arguments(she resists)
All culminated in the biggest row last night, where he said the most hurtful and horrible things about me and my family.

Huge power struggle here, he is trying to put his foot down and demonstate that he is ds's father and he has the last say.
I've refused to be drawn in, I cannot reason with him when he is in this mood, so he is even more annoyed with me.
Anyway, my question is, if your child had the chance of 5 days with grandparents, having a ball of a time, well looked after, would it cause such an issue on your household?
ds is nearly 4.

Elemis Mon 18-Jul-11 06:15:32

Also, out of those 5 nights, dh, will not see ds awake for 4 of them

allhailtheaubergine Mon 18-Jul-11 06:23:50

But this isn't really about the 5 nights away, is it? It is about your husband having no role in the life of his son. That is very sad. You seem very dismissive of his efforts to do something about this. Is it possible he genuinely wants to build a relationship with his child? And would you be supportive of that?

I think it is very sad that your son is closer to his granny than to his own daddy. Perhaps this trip is the thing that brought it all home to your husband?

He sounds like he has made bad choices, and has been selfish. Can you talk to him about how he wants to change?

janajos Mon 18-Jul-11 06:25:56

No, of course not, we would be delighted grin! Your dh is being unreasonable and hurtful too to both you and your mum. You need to talk to him and find out where this is coming from. Is he generally controlling or is this out of character? It sounds as if there is more to the story as he does seem to be away/avoiding family life more than necessary for his job fwiw, my husband too does a lot of working late/client entertaining and is never in for bed times, he also has to travel sometimes for work but I feel fully supported and that he is fully involved with the home + kids, so it is possible to balance the needs.

Good luck with discussing and sorting something out.

SayItLoud Mon 18-Jul-11 06:29:58

It doesn't sound as though you like or respect your dh very much, so presumably your backstory would be relevant? No, it wouldn't be a problem here, because we would have decided together whether we wanted it to happen including asking ds (ds1 is 3, ds2 would be too young for this) before arranging for a grandparent pickup. Did you talk to your husband beforehand?

NorksAreMessy Mon 18-Jul-11 06:31:25

Of course your DH is behaving like an arse. He has been caught out not being a perfect dad, and he is acting up because he knows he is in the wrong.
Calmly continue with your plans as before

Elemis Mon 18-Jul-11 06:51:29

The back story is his angry and controlling behaviour.

He does want a better relationship with his son, and thanks to a recent holiday, ds and him have spent more time together.
However most of the time he just seems like an annoyance to dh. There is almost a power struggle between them for my attention.
Dh has no idea how to deal with ds, just shouts at him and makes the situation worse. I have tried and tried to talk to dh, but he just thinks ds lacks discipline and is becoming a brat.
To me it's obvious that dh's behaviour has a direct influence on ds's behaviour.
E.g dh starting arguing with me yesterday at lunch, I asked him not to in front of ds, he escalated the row, I was upset and ds started acting up. Dh left and ds was immediately well behaved.

Elemis Mon 18-Jul-11 06:59:32

Dh never changed nappies, never done bedtimes or bathtimes. I swear sometimes he would go for days without even looking in in him in his cot when he was little. Now he's a bit older, he will make sure he kisses him goodnight, but still wouldn't take him to the park without a fuss. There have also been 2 instances where he has chosen really unbelievably selfish things over ds, so forgive me if I am a little bit hmm about him putting his son first.

GwendolineMaryLacey Mon 18-Jul-11 07:07:38

I agree with Norks. Your DH was acting the arse because he's been shown up. Yes it is sad that grandma knows ds better but he's the only one who can change it and not by being a bit of a pillock.

bubblesincoffee Mon 18-Jul-11 09:07:26

Has your dh given a reason, even a crap one, for not wanting ds to go?

Elemis Mon 18-Jul-11 09:13:49

Because he wants to kiss him goodnight, and because he doesn't think mum will put him to bed at the right time.

But really, he sees it as him vs my family.

I think this is the last straw. I can't forget the things he said, and he is too angry to back down

Btw, if ds doesn't go now, he won't get to see his cousins and rest of family until end of Sept.
They all get on so well, they are best friends.

Elemis Mon 18-Jul-11 11:19:56

Well he has gone with Grandma now.
I have told DH it is for 2 nights, I bring him back on Wed.
I think that is a compromise

For the record, he told me my mum is either a c*nt or stupid.
told me I was a selfish bitch.
told me that the fact that he wanted to go for counselling will go in his favour when he goes for custody.
told me that he will have DS for 6 months of the year and he will leave this country
told me that he earns the money
told me not to cross him
told me that any member of my family who crosses him, he will get hold of by the throat
told me to fuck off back to my family
and i can't remember the words exactly, but something along the lines of, "you know what I am capable of"

I am writing this down, as I have a tendency to forget the exact horrible things he has previously said.

I will be asking him to leave

FabbyChic Mon 18-Jul-11 11:24:55

Oh please do ask him to leave, he wouldn't get custody. I'd leave him if I were you.

rainbowtoenails Mon 18-Jul-11 11:32:25

You are in an abusive relationship. Please call womens aid for advice. You need to get you and your ds out of this situation before it escalates further.

ScaredyDog Mon 18-Jul-11 11:33:35

If I were you, I'd be making arrangements for him to leave and getting some legal advice. Would it be possible for you to go to your mother's?

Elemis Mon 18-Jul-11 12:19:53

I don't know where to start.
I think I am in shock

I need to get some things sorted out here, then I can go to my parents.
I'm thinking of not coming back. But that will cause more problems. I can't go running to my family, it will just enrage him more

But our life is here, well DS's life is here. He has pre-school and swimming and birthday parties.
I've spoken to him, he seems to be calm.
I don't care that my marriage is gone, I am scared of what he is going to do.
I'm scared of the trouble he will cause.
I have an appt for fertility testing on Thursday, ha!

Kladdkaka Mon 18-Jul-11 12:25:06

My daughter would be packed up and packed off in a nano-second.

knittedbreast Mon 18-Jul-11 12:30:02

what a nasty sounding man. get out now.

cottonreels Mon 18-Jul-11 12:33:02

Oh dear, the situation sounds truly horrible to me. He doesnt seem to have any respect for you/your family at all.
It wouldnt be an issue here as DP would see it as selfish wannting his goodnight kiss as opposed to our dd having fun with her cousins and granny.
Could you talk throuhg things with your mum - I wonder if she has already got strong opinions of your DH, but she sounds as though she knows when to keep her opinions to herself. I just wonder if she could advise you a bit - I suspect shes seen a lot, and afteral she will have your best interests at heart.
Also aggree with the others that have said you DH has been caught out not being the perfect dad.
Well done letting your mum take ds anyway and I think youve been fair on the compromise, but Im sure you dont need me to tell you that there is a deeper issue here.
good luck

cottonreels Mon 18-Jul-11 12:38:15

Swimming can be transferred to another pool, there will be other birthday parties, there are pre - schools elsewhere.
None of that is a reason to stay, a bit of determination and these things can be transferred/cancelled in 1/2 a day.
I think you may need to find some fight in you.
And put out of your mind fertlity testing with DH. If its problems to do with you, perhaps you could continue getting tested, knowing that YOU are sorting YOUR body out. But please scrap the idea of new baby with DH - at least until theres a massive improvement in his behaviour toward you

cestlavielife Mon 18-Jul-11 12:46:43

his rage is his problem.
go to your family with your suitcase.
stay there.
tell him you need space. toc onsdier the long term future.

the more he rages - the more you will kow you need to make it permanenent.

if he comes and rages outside the house -call police.

gallicgirl Mon 18-Jul-11 12:52:12

Seriously don't worry about moving. Your family will be around you to provide a stable atmosphere. For one reason and another I went to 3 different infant schools and my education or well-being didn't suffer as a result.

If you DH wants counselling, is this to save the marriage or what? Sounds like he needs anger management counselling at the same time. A bit of space sounds like a good plan for both of you.

HerHissyness Mon 18-Jul-11 12:56:10

he won't cause you any trouble.

Not any trouble you can't EASILY handle!

We are ALL here behind you, your family are behind you too.

His work rules him out of being able to adequately look after his DS, not when he has no input up until now.

this is all abusive controlling bully boy tactics, don't let him scare you.

Perhaps reading Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft may give you some insight as to what he's trying to do.

He's weak, impotent (not literally, I mean powerless) and has no control over you. If you want to revert back to the original plan for DS, go right ahead! Don't let this bully make you alter plans.

brass Mon 18-Jul-11 12:56:45

The way you list his absences for work or otherwise makes you sound very resentful. Is there a possibility that you purposely manipulate the relationship between your DS and your mum to punish him for his absences?

Cos that's what it sounds like from your post. No parent wants to hear or feel that their child has a better relationship with the MIL! Is this what you encourage?

If it were me I would be working on building a better relationship between father and son - patience issues included.

I also understand that you value the support that your mum is able to provide but I can't help feeling that you play them off against one another. He may well be unreasonable of course. This sounds like a power struggle between the two of you and your DS and mum are innocent bystanders.

Elemis Mon 18-Jul-11 13:04:45

just spoken to him, now in pieces. I started off being calm, but ended up shouting at him to stop fooling himself. He said he will move out.

he is in such a mess. I truly don't know whether he is lying to himself, or actually delusional. I want to help him, and I have tried, but I can't do it anymore.

I don't really want to move back to my parents area I have been here for 20 year!

I think my mum knows, but she has always been supportive, because she knows I am trying to support him and his issues. I think she is waiting for me to open up
If she did hear any of the row last night, she is doing a good job of hiding it.
She is worrying that DH thinks she is not strict enough with DS. She is strict.

the counselling was joint counselling, he is already having supposed anger/stress counselling, but obviously not working.

I didn't refuse, but just didn't book anything, because the last time he went he didn't tell the truth

I just asked him to try and be truthful to himself, he needs to be a good man for DS.

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