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To NOT want to share my friend with these women?

(31 Posts)
Surfacing Sun 17-Jul-11 18:11:46

I will probably regret posting this in AIBU but wasn't sure where else to post it. I am a regular under a namechange, I know all about rivers of sweetcorn/pouffe of poo/bumsex fridays/Cod etc etc.

OK here goes, it's a long one but please try and bear with me.

When I was fourteen, I used to go to a lot of gigs with a close circle of friends. We used to drink before we went in and we did look/act older than we were. At one particular gig, my group got talking to a group of three boys, they were all seventeen. I got separated from the my group and ended up alone with one of the boys from the group. We ended up kissing in a secluded area of the venue. I wasn't all that attracted to him but drink/youth told me it didn't matter. To cut a long story short, he ended up having sex with me even though I had said I didn't want to. I was a virgin and was scared but he went ahead and did it anyway. I remember it as clear as anything even though I was drunk, I remember it hurting and me wanting it to end, quickly, so I could go and find my friends. Eventually I did find them and this boy was still tagging along with me. It turned out that one of my friends had hooked up with one of his friends and wanted to go back to their house after the gig. In my heart I didn't want to but I went anyway. The same boy tried to have sex with me again but I pretended to be asleep and he left me alone.

The next day, this boy asked for my number. I gave it to him, though I don't know why. He made me feel uneasy and I wasn't attracted to him. I suppose I thought because I'd had sex with him, that's what I had to do. My friend started seeing his mate and I saw this boy a few times afterwards although I wouldn't have said he was my boyfriend. We didn't have sex again after what happened at the gig.

Then a few weeks later, I was watching an episode of The Bill where a woman had been raped but because she hadn't fought off/screamed, she was in denial about what had happened. Everything clunked into place, about why I felt uneasy about this boy and why I felt weird around him. When I heard the police officer say to the woman on the television "You said no. That should be enough." I knew what had happened. Being fourteen, I thought that rape involved struggle/screaming/fighting etc. Not saying no once or twice then letting sex happen.

The next day, I spoke to my friend about it. I asked her what she thought about rape and if she thought that if you said "no" to sex but the other person went ahead anyway, if she thought it was rape. She said yes. I told her what had happened that night at the gig and she was really nice about it but obviously being that young, couldn't give me any advice. She prompted me to tell our other friend, who I suppose was the ring-leader of our group, which I did. She started to cross-examine me and I got upset/embarrassed, so she backed off. She then suggested that we confront the boy, which we did. He denied he had forced me and we never saw him again.

About a week later, he wrote me a letter, not a very nice one, and pushed it through my door. I don't know why, whether he was trying to scare me off going to the police/telling my parents but it shook me up. I tore it up and binned it. The next day, I was shaken and my friend asked me what was the matter. I told her that I'd had a vicious letter from him. She asked to see it. Inexplicably, I tried to re-write the letter myself, in a panic. I'd worked myself up into a state thinking that they didn't believe me so I re-wrote the letter, what i could remember and gave it to my friend. She told me she had destroyed it so that it wouldn't upset me further. The next day, the ring-leader friend confronted me. She recognised my hand-writing and accused me of making the entire thing up. I knew I hadn't but it didn't look good. I didn't have a leg to stand on. My entire group of friends fell out with me and I ended up legging it out of school and walking around the streets in the cold all day until home time.

Eventually, we made friends. The incident was never mentioned again until about two years later, I went on holiday for two weeks with another mate. I had a steady, first boyfriend at the time who was at home and he was hanging around with my circle of friends. When i got home, I found out that the ring-leader friend had showed my boyfriend the letter that she had kept and told him that I lied about the rape. Fortunately, my boyfriend believed me. But, it shook me up that one of my so-called close mates was keeping this to use against me. I never mentioned to her that I knew she had showed him. We stayed friends for years after that, right up until our respective marriages five/six years ago. Then we seemed to drift apart, we have kept in touch through Facebook but haven't actually seen each other and I am happy with that. I have a new group of friends from uni'/work/life in general who I love and I feel no need to cling on to dead friendships.

Now, what's rattled me is this: one of my best mates has recently had a baby and throug baby groups etc has become friends with these two old friends of mine. They are all cosy, doing baby stuff together etc. I saw a wall post between them on Facebook earlier and it made me really upset. I don't want to share my friend with these two. How do I know that the ring leader one hasn't kept the letter still? How do I know she isn't going to poison my friend against me? I know I sound paranoid but that's because I am. I hate it. I am not childish enough to ask my friend not to be mates with them but it's really rattled me. I love my circle of friends and I don't want these two infiltrating it. AIBU? I don't mind being told that I am being stupid. I feel like all of the old feelings when all of my mates fell out with me are resurfacing and I hate it. I am thirty-one now. I shouldn't feel like this.

Sorry for the VERY long post and thank you if you've read this far. sad

ebbandflow Sun 17-Jul-11 18:19:30

I read this and thought-oh no you poor thing. Can I just say that I believe everything you have said about the incident that happened to you when you were younger. I am sure that your best friend will too-do you think you could face talking to her about it? instead of worrying yourself about that 'old exfriend' telling her. I am sorry that these past events have resurfaced again for you.

Imnotaslimjim Sun 17-Jul-11 18:20:01

I am so sorry to hear you went through this. To be honest, it sounds like you've never got over it. It must be really tough for you to know that your friend is in touch with them now.

you can't help your feelings though, and you've every right to feel slightly betrayed, even though your friend doesn't know about it. And I know there isn't much you can say without telling your new friend what happened when you were younger

I do think you need to talk to somebody though. Especially now all the feelings have been brought back to the surface. You can swallow it back down or it will fester for the rest of your life. I feel like all of the old feelings when all of my mates fell out with me are resurfacing and I hate it. I am thirty-one now. I shouldn't feel like this. of course you do, as it was never dealt with all that time ago. Have you anyone you can talk to about it now? Or even let them read your opening post if you can't speak the words?

Surfacing Sun 17-Jul-11 18:23:36

Thanks for your replies smile

You have both suggested talking to my friend about what happened and I have thought about it. I just wouldn't know where to start. I don't think I have ever got over it. My mum questioned me years ago, in a round-about way about whether anyone had ever "done anything I didn't like". I am sure she must have read my diary but obviously couldn't admit it. I denied anything had ever happened.

cherrypez Sun 17-Jul-11 18:29:52

I am so sorry you feel like this, YANBU to feel like crap, bad memories resurfacing is never nice, and in your case there is the extra worry that your friend will find out about the incident. BUT..... I sincerely believe your ex-friends will not tell your friend about this as they probably look back and feel terrible about their behaviour, and guilty that they let you down. And if she is a good friend of yours they will be worried that she will drop them if she finds out what little bitches they were to you. And please don't feel silly about writing the letter yourself. To a 14 year old it must have seemed the most logical thing in the world to do, and is more sensible than most of my 14 year old behaviour!

Romilly70 Sun 17-Jul-11 18:30:52

It is terrible what you went through. I would definitely have some counselling about the event. I have had therapy (about other things) and there is a part of you which can feel stuck at 14 years old when unresolved. Your good friend in RL would completely understand should you choose to tell her what happened and in reality your other friend from school (who kept the letter) has probably long since got rid of it, and hopefully feels quite embarrassed about her behaviour towards you so is highly unlikley to mention it.

Midge25 Sun 17-Jul-11 18:31:57

YANBU. I can completely understand. One of the awful things about bullying (and I think that's what it was) is that the feelings associated with it can resurface at the most unexpected times, and for years afterward. It's awful that you were faced with that when already trying to deal with the impact of having been raped. Tbh, I'd be amazed if she still had the letter - from reading your post it sounds like the incident where she showed it to your then bf was about 10 years ago?...Even if she does have it, hopefully she is older and wiser now and realises that it would hardly cast her in a good light were she to show it to your friend. Teenage girls do really shitty things to one another; the bully who made me feel totally worthless for about 4 years when we were at the end of primary school/beginning of secondary school sought me out on Facebook not long ago and clearly has no inkling of the (continuing) impact of her behaviour. My point is that it may not occur to her to mention it although that does not detract from the effect her actions have had on you.
One option would be to tell your friend about what happened (if you feel able) - if she is a good friend, of course her support will be with you and your mind can be at rest if by some act of God the incident does come up again? Another possibility is to say nothing; you have nothing to be ashamed of, and nothing to justify - it's only their behaviour that makes you feel that way.

Midge25 Sun 17-Jul-11 18:34:16

Along with others, also wondered about whether you'd had the opportunity to work through what happened eg. in terms of counselling...

MumblingRagDoll Sun 17-Jul-11 18:34:35

I believe you. There's every reson to believe your friend will too. I don't think you shoud bring it up with her....but rest assured that if your old friend HAD kept the letter then SHE would appear to b a nutter. Not you. Even without the letter, if she brought it all up now, any reasonable person would think she was odd and vindictive.

Try to move on....or consider councelling. Your doctor can get you may be that you have unresolved trauma from the rape and that's what is really worrying you.

Surfacing Sun 17-Jul-11 18:36:32

Midge, I am sorry you had a shit time at school. <manly hug>

I wouldn't be surprised if she had kept the letter. She is a notorious hoarder. She scanned some (amusing) doodlings I had done at secondary school into Facebook that she has kept hold of. I think she might still have it.

Midge25 Sun 17-Jul-11 18:38:15

Might not phrase this v well, but my feeling is that what happened with your friends may be causing you to react this way because it's all tied up with the rape itself which you haven't dealt with? iyswim

porcamiseria Sun 17-Jul-11 18:38:38

yanbu, its an upsetting thing and its horrible that some of the people involved are still around

I would say that given you are all older and wiser its VERY unlikely this will surface again, and even if it did with the knowledge we all now have around date rape they would look terrible for even bringing this up again

I would likely do nothing, but feel free to tell your mate that these girls are complete bitches and that you dont want to see them x

Romilly70 Sun 17-Jul-11 18:40:04

scanned your doodlings into Facebook?! hmm
she sounds like a loon.

Midge25 Sun 17-Jul-11 18:40:39

<gruffly accepts manly hug>

But there's a big difference between some idle bits of nostalgia (doodlings) and
hanging onto a letter which, by implication, suggests she's failed to support you as a friend at a time when you really needed her...

Surfacing Sun 17-Jul-11 18:45:11

"Might not phrase this v well, but my feeling is that what happened with your friends may be causing you to react this way because it's all tied up with the rape itself which you haven't dealt with? iyswim"

I do see what you mean but to be honest, I think that I had a harder time dealing with the fall-out with my friends than the rape. I really do. I know that will sound bizarre, especially if anyone is reading that it has happened to. The only way I can explain it is this: shit people do shit things, that's life, unfortunately. But when your friends aren't even there for you through the shit things, THAT is the shittiest thing.

Sorry, probably did not explain that well at all.

Midge25 Sun 17-Jul-11 18:45:21

<returns manly hug>

Surfacing Sun 17-Jul-11 18:53:29

I have also thought that if they ever did mention it to my friend, I think that I could easily kick off at them. Really easily. The way they treated me made me feel ashamed and embarrassed and I've carried that around for nearly fifteen years. I've kept a lid on it too, but I think that it would be like the lid coming off a pressure cooker if they decided to open old wounds. sad

Sorry, just talking to myself really...

spleenvent Sun 17-Jul-11 19:20:42

Well they sound a pair of bitches. I would feel the same about them being friends with one of mine...

However, do you think that they did not really have an understanding of rape back then? The same as you didn't? I'm not excusing them, just trying to see from the other side. With all of the things we know now about rape and the forms it takes, they could be feeling shit about the way they treated you. Could be. Could still be a pair of bitches. Don't bother yourself with them.

HuntForGalaxyHazelnut Sun 17-Jul-11 19:54:42


I'm so sorry this has happened to you, and your ex friend does sound like a complete headcase (Keeping the letter for 2 years? scanning your doodlings onto facebook?! WTF?).

I am kind of in the same position as you. I had some awful teenage sexual experiences, which, at the time, i thought were my own fault, for getting drunk, or going back to someones house etc. I was quite badly affected for years, and cut off all contact from my school friends who knew about these events. I built new 'adult' friendships, and nobody in my family or current circle of friends knows about my experiences, including my best, best friend who i would tell anything else, just not this. However if there were any chance that somebody would tell my best friend about this I know i would feel sick, scared and helpless, just like you probably feel. Anyway I'm rambling, i just wanted you to know that you're not alone in feeling this way.

Maybe you could tell your best friend some small details about what happened and allow her to draw her own conclusions? She's obviously a lovely person for you to be such good friends with her. It's completely up to you though, and i know how hard that conversation would be after saying nothing for so long.

Hope you're ok.

Surfacing Sun 17-Jul-11 20:29:48

Thankyou so much for your post Hunting. It's good to know that there are people who understand. Well, not good but you know what I mean! If you want to talk, PM me. smile

I have just felt so sad and miserable all of this weekend because of this. I've found myself close to tears several times. I think that's why I needed to post, to get it off my chest and kind of into the open.

messymammy Sun 17-Jul-11 20:40:21

Hi Surfacing,
I was raped at a party when I was 15. I had a boyfriend who lived far away and was on the phone to him when a friend of a friend came in. My boyfriend heard everything but noone apart from him believed me, none of my "friends" who were at the party, even the girl who I had known for years who had to come and put my clothes back on me as I was so hysterical I couldn't do it for myself.
Years later it all came out and the girl apologised to me, but understandably it was very hard for me to accept. I see her sometimes and we have lots of mutual friends but I'll never ever trust her again or be friendly like we were. She was my best friend, we had known each other since we were 6 but she chose to believe this boy.

I know now that my friends now are my friends, nothing she or anyone else could say about me would sway that, I know, but I don't like to talk to or see anyone I used to socialise with back then, it makes me anxious, I can absolutely empathise, what a dreadful situation for you.
Maybe you should tell your friend about what happened?maybe you could bring it up in a round about way, like X% of women are abused sexually in their life time or something?I would definitely recommend some counselling, it really helped me,even though I only went ten years later.

hope you find some resolution to this xxx

Hippee Sun 17-Jul-11 20:51:49

Really feel for you - I had a far lesser experience and it affected me for years afterwards.

I don't know how best to stop her being friends with them unless you are prepared to explain it all to her. However, I don't think you should worry too much about the letter coming to light - producing it now, 17 years after the event, would show her up to be the nutcase rather than reflect badly on you. Even if you had made it up (I know you didn't), you were 14 and she would still show up as a nutcase if she were to reveal anything about it now.

Surfacing Sun 17-Jul-11 20:53:10

Oh Messy I'm so sorry sad How could anyone have doubted you, faced with you in hysterics and not clothed? Poor you. Makes me so angry and makes it easy to see why so many if us don't report rape or talk about it.

MissMississippi Sun 17-Jul-11 21:05:50


I am really sorry for happened to you. I hope you manage to resolve this situation. Are you able to talk to your best friend?

I know it's un-MNy, but [hug]!

Surfacing Sun 17-Jul-11 22:04:44

Thank you Miss, hug gratefully accepted smile

I am debating just showing my friend this link, save ge awkward conversation for us both...

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