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... Avoiding my parents after my SD said hurtful things to me?

(109 Posts)
Shell85 Sun 17-Jul-11 17:34:08

I haven't spoken to my parents in two weeks, I know it is childish to ignore their text messages and not see them because of one hurtful thing said, but let me explain the situation.

I have a younger sister who I do not get on with, it is not at all an exaggeration to say that I hate her. I havent spoken to her in over four years. She still lives with my parents, so it makes going round there uncomfortable.
I don't let DS go to their house without me being there because of the way she acts, and I don't want DS to have any contact with her, I never have, with good reason, but my parents do not respect this, in fact they took no notice, so I stopped letting him stay over there, and stopped allowing him to visit without me being present.

I know it upsets my mum, but I hate my sister for good reason, she is the one that makes a fuss about it, I never say a thing, I never even acknowledge her or anything she does, it is her that causes all the trouble.
But of course I am the grown up, it is all my fault, I am being unreasonable, she is just a kid acting out, she will grow out of it, but I am making it difficult for everyone.... Blah blah blah...
She is 20 btw.
But no matter what she does they always take her side over mine or my other sisters, even when she is the one in the wrong.

Two weeks ago we all went out for a nice dinner together, my parents, me, my DH and DS, after the meal DS wanted to go back to my parents house to pick up a toy he had left there it was getting late so I didn't really want to go but he really wanted his toy so we went, 10 minutes after arriving my sister staggered in absolutely out of it, shouting at swearing, I waited a few minutes and then told DS to put his coat on and that it was nearly 7pm (bed time) so we had to go home.
Everything was fine then a couple of hours later my stepdad sent me a text message saying

"do you have any idea how much it hurts your mum to have someone hate her child, the way you behave is compleatly out of order. Do you know how damaging it is to have that much hatred inside you. You really need to get over yourself. Do you know how much you hurt your mum and your son do you know how much you are damaging him with the way you behave. You need to grow up and stop being so childish and selfish. I love you but you have no idea how much you are hurting your son or your mum."

I texted back explaining that I know it hurts mum but there is nothing that I can do about it, and as for damaging my son, he doesn't know what he is talking about.

He sent another message that was pretty much the same so I said, if my behaviour is so damaging and hurtful then I will save everyone the hastle and heartache and just stay away from them all together.

He never replied.

I am really close the my parents, and so is my DS but if that is genuinely how they feel then I am doing them a favour.
If I don't go there then there will be no drama.

They have been testing me, as if everything is normal, but I haven't replied.

Then I found out from my other sister that my SD said that if I wanted to act like a child and ignore them then that was fine, it is only proving his point.

The problem is that I stand by my belief that DS and I come as a package, they don't get DS if they don't want me, which I know is unfair on him.

But I am so sick of them always picking her over me when I have done nothing wrong.
I have been really sad and depressed about the whole thing, every time I talk about it I end up in tears. And I am sick of being made to feel this way.

Sorry for the insanely long post.

RunAwayWife Sun 17-Jul-11 17:40:13

I think your step dad has over- stepped the mark

TakeMeDrunkImHome Sun 17-Jul-11 17:41:01

Just my opinion but it is hard to say if you were BU or not because we don't know what has caused the rift between yourself and your sister.

TakeMeDrunkImHome Sun 17-Jul-11 17:42:06

Dammit posted too soon. Think your SD was out of order with the text and to say you are damaging your son is pretty unpleasant. Do you think your son is going to suffer by not having contact with his grandparents, because if he is, then yes, YABU.

allhailtheaubergine Sun 17-Jul-11 17:43:39

Sounds as though you are punishing everyone for what your sister did.

What did she do? Is there no way you can maintain a civil relationship with her?

ensure Sun 17-Jul-11 17:45:32

Takemedrunk is right. I note your sister was 16 when you decided not to talk to her again 4 years ago, I think that is quite young to judge someone and cut contact forever.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Sun 17-Jul-11 17:49:25

I hate my sister for good reason What is the 'good reason' and did you dislike her before you found cause to hate her?

M0naLisa Sun 17-Jul-11 17:51:54

Yes what caused the rift between you and your sister. Christ i have had rifts with my younger sister and we always make up. We have to, We're sisters.

Xales Sun 17-Jul-11 17:52:16

Your sister come in drunk and swearing so you do the right thing in removing your son and it is your fault?

I don't see how you can claim that your family are close for you when they treat you like this. You may want them to be close but they are not.

Sorry /-:

papermate Sun 17-Jul-11 17:57:29

I hate how families now a days have to text each other what is wrong with picking up a phone? (sorry that is just me)

yes i do think your son may suffer by not being allowed a relationship with your parents over something your sister has done, what she has done is your business, but would it do any harm if your son was allowed over without you? at 16 she was young to be judged? how do your parents feel about the actual reason you stoped talking with her?

WhoAteMySnickers Sun 17-Jul-11 17:57:45

YANBU. I would not allow my DS in a house where there is a drunkard staggering around swearing. And your SD was out of order with his text. I think your reply to him was very reasonable.

spiderpig8 Sun 17-Jul-11 17:57:50

I think that your SD is just telling it as it is.
It must absolutely break your poor mum's heart, to be put in this position. and how on earth do you expect them to not allow your ds any contact with your sis if she lives in their house!! how do you think your SD feels seeing your mum in pieces over this!! You are going to make her Ill!
And of course it is damaging for your DS to have adults he loves locked into this conflict.
Family fall outs are common but you need to find a way to move forward and have a civil relationship with your sister.You don't have to like her, just be civil and think about your poor mum and your DS's relationshipwith his GPs

WhoAteMySnickers Sun 17-Jul-11 17:59:41

Meant to add, it's perfectly feasible for your DS to have a relationship with your parents without involving your sister... Trips out, visits at your house, going over to theirs when your sister is not there, all very do-able.

JamieAgain Sun 17-Jul-11 18:01:43

I thing that doing this by text, and on behalf of your mum was a big mistake on his part.

TheOriginalFAB Sun 17-Jul-11 18:02:08

I feel sorry for your mum.

DragonAlley Sun 17-Jul-11 18:02:33


YNK Sun 17-Jul-11 18:02:53

Is your sister a very bad role model for your DS often, or is this a one off?

It seems a shame to deprive him of his wider family unless you need to protect him from her for a good reason.

Just because you have decided you want to cut her off I don't see why he should suffer unless the reason you fell out means she will cause him harm.

JamieAgain Sun 17-Jul-11 18:06:01

Your mum has the right to feel sad, but you are both adults and she has no right to force a relationship.

diddl Sun 17-Jul-11 18:08:20

But did you make a big drama about leaving because your sister had come home drunk, or about her being drunk?

HoneyNorwegianRidgebackdragon Sun 17-Jul-11 18:09:47

The back story aside, if your sister was drunk and swearing than you were right to remove ds. If this hurts you mothers feelings she she address whether she thinks that's acceptable for her GC.

I am going to say that UApossiblyNBU as you post seems to indicate that your other sister gets treated similarly. And I think your SD was out of order, they are making a bad situation worse.

Driftwood999 Sun 17-Jul-11 18:11:14

You need to find a way to heal this. Your sister is 20, hardly more than a child. Please find a way to heal as from your op, your family is suffering, the texts were not abusive. Your DS will pick up on this and that will be so corrosive.

Midge25 Sun 17-Jul-11 18:12:41

Agree that it's hard to get perspective on this one without knowing the original reason why the OP's rel with her sister broke down...

veryworried29 Sun 17-Jul-11 18:14:05

You could express your sorrow to your mum that this situation with your sister is upsetting her. You could sympathise with her, but not change your stance (if you are really determined not to). Do you know if your sister wants to have a relationship with you or is she equally hostile?

JamieAgain Sun 17-Jul-11 18:14:28

I wanted to add that replying to emotional texts like that is a bad idea. IMO texts are for conveying info/making arrangements, not having emotional debates.

KAZAMM Sun 17-Jul-11 18:15:56

Your sister was 16 when you stopped talking to her. What was so bad that you can't get past it now she's older and maybe more mature. Granted though, in your op she came in out her face and swearing. Is she like that all the time?

Maybe your SD snapped after seeing his wife for the past 4 years watch two of her children hate each other. If you can't get on with your sister maybe you should sit down with your mum and SD and work out how they can see your DS without involving your sis at all.

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