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to not wantto go out for dinner?

(9 Posts)
BobbaFettBountyHunter Sun 17-Jul-11 14:20:23

Bit of back story, I was estranged (for lack of a better word) from my mum and her side of the family for over a decade (am late 20's now) and in my workplace I work with family members, with one in a more senior position than me. It's been quite difficult to say no to doing certain things I am not obligated to do at work and to stand up for myself, I fear for rocking the boat as although we all get on I don't feel as though they are a terribly big part of my life having gone so long without contact with them, but I am glad we are all back together. But since doing so the professional side of things got worse, awkwardness and spitefulness and childishness mostly on their part.
I have been signed of sick with stress, a lot of factors involved but work has not made things better, i've not found myself feeling like this before, my mood swings are all over the place and although I have a very supportive DP it's still difficult some days to control my emotions, which are for the most part, irrational. I'm due to see the doctor again this week and am suffering anxiety attacks etc but really don't want to go onto anti depressants (maybe the stigma, I don't know, like I said i've not felt like this before) but am not liking the crying and shaking outbursts I am having. It seems mostly internal and for lack of a better description I've been feeling quite vunerable and wimpy.
Anyway I have been distancing myself from any further ruckus and have been looking for a new job to try and salvage some relationship rather than me feel resentful.
I have seen these family members since and it has been quite stressful for me, I have been accosted on my own and feel guilt tripped into doing things I don't wish to do. The lastest thing is a dinner in a few weeks that I am dreading. I have been leaning on my DP for a lot of support during this time and everytime a slightly awkward subject comes up that I don't wish to discuss it is always in whispers away from anyone else. I realise this makes me seem spineless and pathetic but I am not finding it easy to deal with, I feel like I have been wronged in some way, bullied into making apologies I feel quite strongly I do not need to make and that I am not able to stand up for myself when normally I would have no problem doing so. So this dinner, I have been told that if I don't go I would be letting these members down. I have said I will go but am scared I will be on my own with no support whilst everyone adds more and more pressure on to me that I have made quite clear I cannot deal with at the moment. I have no idea how to get out of it without coming across as a bitch.

diddl Sun 17-Jul-11 14:24:40

Is the dinner a work connected thing that you have to attend?

If not & it´s basically a lot of people who ypu don´t like socialising with, I´d say don´t go.

Life´s too short!

FabbyChic Sun 17-Jul-11 14:25:42

YOu say you don't want to go on ant-depressants but you can only cope so much without them. It sounds to me like you need them and taking them would enhance your quality of life. You don't have to take them forever just until the chemical imbalance in your brain stabilises.

I do feel that you should find alternative employment away from your family. A bad working environment is the most stressful thing to happen in your life because you spend more time at work than you do anywhere else in your life.

BobbaFettBountyHunter Sun 17-Jul-11 14:28:55

No the dinner is not connected to work but it would be the first birthday my mum would have with both daughters in over a decade. I understand I come across as meanspirited but I just feel manipulated with guilt if I don't go, not to mention how difficult work would be if I didn't. I love mymum to bits but don't know how to get across that although I love her, I don't need her for support...

BobbaFettBountyHunter Sun 17-Jul-11 14:29:45

but only because I have not ever had her there as a source of support.

diddl Sun 17-Jul-11 14:51:09

Is the problem that things are now OK with your mum, but not other family members who will be there?

Is it really important for her to see you & your sister on her birthday?

If so, can the three of you do something together & you not go to the dinner?

BobbaFettBountyHunter Sun 17-Jul-11 15:07:23

things are strained between us three, not nasty but strained, I feel my mum is manipulated by my sister and that it is easier for me to look on the outside because I am not as involved emotionally with them both, the pressure is coming from them both almost forcing a close/strong relationship between us all. I feel in regards to my sister that it is a game of who can manipulate my mum the most, she's harassing her that I never talk to her about my problems (my sister) and i've tried explaining that although working with family is hard I won't put up with bullying. My mum's view is that my sister has always been like this and I should put up wit it. I have no probems in building a relationship, but we've been in contact for less than a year and I would rather it progress slowly as I am getting to know them still.
I don't feel I should be pressured into talking about something to somebody I have really only just begun to know. I never grew up with her and although she is my sister I feel that you cannot force a relationship. I worry this dinner is going to be about them 'ganging' up on me about not ever talking to them about things they would gossip over to be quite blunt. Equally as blunt I have delt with a lot of things without them and have other people to support me in areas they may have been supporting me in had things been different.
I find it difficult to hear all the vitrol about my dad they have been spouting and I make it quite clear that I am the one stuck in the middle, I love my dad too. They have also started to try and cause problems between me and my partner, I think i'm painting them in a worse light than they are due to everything going on, i just feel very cornered. My partner is my rock and quite frankly been there for me longer than my mum and sister.

BobbaFettBountyHunter Sun 17-Jul-11 15:10:44

It is really importat to my mum, I said I felt uncomfortable about going and my mum said I'd be letting her down if I didn't go. I also suggested doing something else for her birthday and not going but that again would be a let down. I just feel no matter what answer/reason I give it is shooed away as being unreasonable.

diddl Sun 17-Jul-11 15:20:16

Well, I´m beginning to think that you shouldn´t go.

How will you let your mum down?

I mean seriously, she´s an adult-lots of adults with grown up children get a card, phone call, visit near the time if necessary!

And if you haven´t been reconciled that long, it is imo, asking a lot.

Also, if you don´t get on all that well with your sister, why does she want either of you to force it?

Is it a "loss of face" thing a bit on her part?

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