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To feel upset about sil not breastfeeding?

(1004 Posts)
wheelygirl Sun 17-Jul-11 12:39:58

hi, new here so pls be gentle!

My dh's brother and his wife had a baby boy four days ago. She said she had a lovely birth and was out of hospital the next day.

We visited them yesterday at home and sil was bottle feeding. Now, I don't give a shit how people feed their children, I don't have any kids (am pg)But I got quite upset because her ds kept trying to breastfeed from her. He was refusing the bottle and kept nuzzling into her chest. Her breasts were leaking as well and she told me she was hand expressing and chucking it away. I asked her why she didnt give it to her ds and she told me that she doesn't want him to get used to breast milk. He had the formula milk then vomited it back up five minutes later. He was really crying and it made me feel awful when he was turning his head to her breast and opening his mouth.

She then went on to tell me that he hasn't even had colostrum because it was too much of a faff to get him to latch on. Colostrum is the important stuff right?

Why do I feel so upset about this? I felt her ds was doing something so instinctive and she should at least have tried to breastfeed. I understand that some women have great difficulty breastfeeding and formula is a more than adequate alternative but at least try and do it.


TidyDancer Sun 17-Jul-11 12:42:31

Yes, I think YABU. But in those circumstances, I probably would've felt very sad as well.

faverolles Sun 17-Jul-11 12:42:49

I do get how you feel, but YABU. It's up to her. No-one can be forced to breastfeed.

squeakytoy Sun 17-Jul-11 12:43:16

I don't give a shit how people feed their children, I don't have any kids

So best to keep out of it then... its none of your business what she chooses to do. You are being unreasonable, yes.

SouthGoingZax Sun 17-Jul-11 12:43:24

YANBU but people will not be gentle.

<<hands OP hard hat and stab-proof vest>>

wheelygirl Sun 17-Jul-11 12:44:30

I think I am just extra hormonal at the moment! I do feel as well though that she is so focused on his physical needs being met that she is forgetting about his emotional ones. She didn't cuddle or comfort him while he was crying, just put him in his basket on the floor and rocked it with her foot.

HairyFrotter Sun 17-Jul-11 12:45:18

YABU. It is none of your business. Babies vomit up breastmilk as well and fuss at the breast. They have a reflex to root and will often do so at a mans nipple as mine did to dh. They also will have the reflex to suck on a teat, dummy or finger. She didn't want to get her baby used to the taste of bm because that isn't what she wanted them to be fed long term. Would you have wanted your bf baby to get a taste for formula?
She didn't give her baby colostrum - again none of your business.
Have a biscuit
You clearly do care about how people feed their kids.

wheelygirl Sun 17-Jul-11 12:45:40

Thank you South for the protective equipment smile

squeakytoy Sun 17-Jul-11 12:46:04

Is this her first baby?

thursday Sun 17-Jul-11 12:46:40

YANBU to feel like that, i can't say i would feel any different. but its just a feeling based on your view of bf, but it's not worth upsetting yourself about. she's obviously happy with her choice (rather than feeling a guilty failure like lots of people do) and your nephew will be fine.

PaperBank Sun 17-Jul-11 12:47:22


wheelygirl Sun 17-Jul-11 12:48:17

Yes he's her first. For me, it's not just feeding breast milk, it's the whole comfort thing as well.

thursday Sun 17-Jul-11 12:49:25

the lack of comfort you're worried about is a separate issue to feeding. its perfectly possibly to ff a baby in a loving comforting bonding etc way.

wheelygirl Sun 17-Jul-11 12:51:32

yes, but Thursday she's not doing that either. That's my point. If she was breastfeeding that would be a comfort in itself, but she doesn't cuddle or comfort him. There was about ten of us there yesterday and everyone was having a go at feeding him. No wonder the poor mite was distressed.

TidyDancer Sun 17-Jul-11 12:51:33

DD tried to feed from DH's knee once....

Weird kid. grin

HairyFrotter Sun 17-Jul-11 12:51:47

She is learning how best to comfort her baby like all new mums have to. All babies are different. DD liked to constantly be held whereas ds preferred to be rocked in his pram or bounced in his chair. He is a very hot creature so that might be why.
Do you have kids op?

iMemoo Sun 17-Jul-11 12:52:07

Let the get on with it their way. It really is non of your business. When your baby is a few days old it's hard enough without people trying to tell you that you should be doing things differently.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives Sun 17-Jul-11 12:52:18

YABU. It's a shame she didn't want to BF but the baby will not suffer because his mother has decided to bottlefeed him. Nothing will fall off, he will be happy and healthy whether he's FF or BF. For all you know, you may decide that you don't fancy BF when faced with it yourself. I didn't like it. Does that make me selfish? Maybe. But I'm happier FF and as a result my baby is too as he isn't picking up on my stress and discomfort.

TidyDancer Sun 17-Jul-11 12:52:25

Sorry, meant DP.

<am not married, DP not that lucky> grin

HairyFrotter Sun 17-Jul-11 12:53:49

Being passed around like cake may have been why the child was distressed - or maybe not. Unfortunately most families are like this with new babies however they are fed. Maybe you could help out and visit when there are less than 9 other people there?

iMemoo Sun 17-Jul-11 12:54:02

She's 4 days past delivery and she has 10 people there!! Poor woman. Why don't you all go home and leave her alone.

Al0uiseG Sun 17-Jul-11 12:54:16

I would feel exactly as you do op, I find it hugely upsetting that people see bottlefeeding as a perfectly acceptable way to feed a newborn sad

Unfortunately it is none of our business and on the scale of how some people treat their children it is fairly low down on the list of upsetting things you will probably witness.

DogsBestFriend Sun 17-Jul-11 12:54:47

YABU. Not your business. AT ALL!

You say you don't give a shit how people feed then go on to say, "I felt her ds was doing something so instinctive and she should at least have tried to breastfeed"

What YOU would like is irrelevant.

I formula fed both my (now teenaged, remarkably healthy) children. I had no intention of breastfeeding whatsoever and am totally satisfied with my choice.

Do you want to get upset for my children too? grin

worraliberty Sun 17-Jul-11 12:54:58

Wow! four days old and he's turning his head and trying to breastfeed from her?

How amazingly clever shock

thursday Sun 17-Jul-11 12:55:21

yeah that's what i meant, you are concerned about a whole package, not the fact she isnt bfing. the baby is 4 days old? yes, visitors are overwhelming for little babies, i remember getting cross at the pass the parcel of everyone wanting a go. give her a break though, 4 days!!! think back to this once your baby arrives and hope your SIL hasnt gone home from a visit judging you.

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