to resent DH for having yet another lie in?(70 Posts)
We have 3 DCs (6mths, just 2 and 6 yrs). I am a SAHM and DH works very long hours and travels most weeks. I am feeling increasing resentful that he never gets up at the weekends with the DCs. Im not talking about feeding the baby at 5am (although Ive just given up b/fing so he could) but getting up with the 2 yr old and the 6 yr old from 6.30ish.
He is very tired from working so hard, but Im finding it hard to be sympathetic when Im also very tired and cross that Im always having to do everything because of his job. Last Sunday I went back to bed when the baby had a nap but he brought the 2yr old upstairs to find the swim stuff which meant I didnt get any sleep. I had previously told him Im feeling very tired.
Im going to have to talk to him about it (although not this week as have MIL staying - another story!) but Im not sure if I am being unreasonable wanting an occasional lie in.
Of course you're not being unreasonable. The reason there are 2 weekend days is so one of you lies in one day and the other lies in the other day!
YANBU - you poor love!
You're both tired and like Tee says - one day each seems fair.
Of course your not, can't believe you've got to this point without telling him. He's had years of hints!
My dh is still in bed the twat woke me up as he went out last night and I had to get up with dd. I will be having a lie down later.
Your job is tough with long hours too!
I feel your pain, im now awake after a promised lie-in but deaf arse upstairs cant her DS when he gets up (convienently) so alas im up as usual.
And i work most sundays, and this is a rare one off, also DP works on a Saturday so we have to fight over a sunday morning if im off!
DP never hears DS wake up either, but if it's my turn for a lie-in I wake him up! I still breastfeed ds at about 6, so bring him into our bed, feed him, and then kick him and DP out so I can go back to sleep. We try to be fair with lie-ins and nights off so it evens out.
Both of you work hard all week, there are two lie-ins to be had at the weekend. Simple.
I totally empathise! We had this situation last year. He used to work very long hours (getting up at 5am during the week) and travel loads, so he used to have a long lie on both Saturday and Sunday. We decided this was only fair, as I could go back to bed when DS went for his naps.
However, things have changed and DS wakes us both up everyday (usually chatting to himself) - but I am still the one that gets up and goes downstairs trying not to wake DH. There are often occasions that DH hears DS first and goes and picks him up, but he then brings him into me in bed and then DS demands I get up, then DH goes back to bed?!?!
DH's reason is that he can't sleep in the afternoon, but I can?!? However, I only get a nap in the afternoon if DS sleeps. And also, I think a long-lie is much nicer than a nap in the afternoon.
You definately need to talk to your DH and explain that you need naps too. You are also working long hours with 3 DCs (1 under 6 months), so you need some sleep. Explain that if he is getting a long-lie on both days at the weekend, then you need him to take care of the kids for 2.5 hours each afternoon, while you have a proper sleep and he has to take them out or keep them quiet (and he has to be quiet too!). If he is in the house, he needs to take the monitor for the 6 month old and pick him up when he wakes so you can keep sleeping if you need to.
If MIL is staying this week, while 6 year old is at school, she looks after 2 year old when the 6 month old naps (morning nap and afternoon nap!) and you go to sleep. Buy some earplugs and a mask to keep out any light and take a hot water bottle to soothe you into sleep faster. MIL should be there to lend a hand and visit her GCs. She is not there for you to wait on her hand and foot when you have just had a baby.
Good luck. xxx
I used to in a similar situation. Dh tired, working long hours. But I was shattered too so in the end told him (didn't hint, didn't ask - TOLD him) from now on we were taking it in turns for lie ins.
Thinbride - i found an
accidental swift kick would overcome the deaf arse problem
Ah yes it took dh a good few months to finally get that it's not really a lie in for me if he brings ds upstairs to play half an hour after he gets up. He thinks that just because it would take a bomb going off under the pillow to wake him I'm the same despite the fact that I wake up if ds sighs heavily in the next room!
YANBU, it sounds like my DP.
Every chuffing morning, when we were both working (full time might I add) I'd get up to get DD dressed, organise her nursery bag, and it would be him in bed until half seven. The worst thing is he'd wait until I was getting ready to get ready himself, so he'd be in my way, and huff and puff about it!
Weekends? they're the best. Me up at 7, he stays in bed until about 11.
I once worked out that on average, he clocks up about 12 hours extra sleep a week.
Honestly, resentful is not the word. And of course, he's deaf whilst asleep and can't hear either of the DD's when they get up.
I don't mind the night times so much as I'm not at work out the house, but Jeez Louise, just a couple of hours at the weekend? Is it too much to ask?
So, in summary, you are no way being unreasonable, this kind of thing is a relationship killer!
YANBU but make sure you tell him how annoyed you are and don't let the resentment build any further.
At the moment my DF is working long hours as overtime so is up at 5am six days a week. Because I work on a Saturday too, Sunday is the only day left for either of us to have a lie-in so we've compromised that I will get up early with DS, and we swap at 11am.
He would quite happily have let me get up every morning with DS for the next 3 months though. What infuriates me is that he'll stay up past midnight on his computer, get up at 5am and then complain about how tired he is. Knob.
I have the same! Dh works varied shifts so not always off 2 days in a row or at the weekend and I am supposed to fit my 35 hours work around his shifts plus 1 full day and 2 days at nursery but dh still sleeps in every day that he can and it's me up from 5-6:30am every bloody day!!
They seem to have a real sense of entitlement! Perhaps carrying their genitals on the outside of the body means they are more tired than us??
I'm going to have to get tougher on this!
OP YANBU. You have to TELL him you are getting one lie-in a weekend and then make him do it. There's no point waiting for him to suggest it! You work long hours too.
MissVerinder, why don't you tell your dp that you're getting one lie-in per weekend and taking turns getting up during the week and then make sure he sticks to it? Better to fix the problem than get increasingly resentful, no?
Why are you letting your partners/husbands behave like this? Do they think as a woman you have less right to rest than they do?
My ex did this. On the days when I had
begged, pleaded negotiated a lie in he would make so much noise that I could not sleep. It was almost as if he wound the kids up right outside the bedroom door.... full on tantrums etc
In the end I gave up
But note the second word of this post
Oh, petisa, why do we do it?
It's martyrdom at it's finest. It is actually easier to resent him for not doing it, than to make him actually do it, as I will actually have to wrestle him out of bed.
He has the "I'm soooo tired because I'm diabetic/my sugar is high/low" excuse. Funnily enough, though, that doesn't stop him getting up at half six in the morning to go on a motorbike jolly with the boys...
Sorry OP, Hijack much? x
Why on earth are you all letting them get away with it?? What do you think will happen if you sit them down and say "You are being an arse. It is unfair. From now on we take it in turns."?
YANBU - yes he deserves a lie in after working hard all week, but then so do you! And surely you should have equal responsibility for the children at weekends. You need to have an honest talk with him about this, it's not right or fair.
I'm diabetic. I've never used it as an excuse for extra lie ins!
My DH is upstairs as I write. I think the rot starts when we have young babies. I have DS who is 2yo and DD who is ebf 3mo - so I don't get a lie in, I have to be up to feed her.
Having said that as soon as she's fully weaned off bm then we'll be taking it in turns for lie ins!
Sorry, trigger happy on my mobile...
Yanbu by the way!
I have lost the ability to lie in. I go back to bed for a nap instead but make it clear I need quiet. My DC and DH are both fast asleep still and I have been up for a while. We have agreed that a lie in is 10:30 and 11:15 is downstairs showered. I get tired at 3ish and so go back to bed for a few hours. You need to be clear; hints don't work.
I'm unusual - I'm getting all the lie-ins. DH gets up with DD in the mornings at 6/6.30 and I'm up with DS at 7ish. DS is 10 weeks though and I've got the night feeds and couldn't do a 6am start too.
DH regularly tells me he would love to get a lie in to 7 in a poor me manner and seems to forget the broken sleep. He also seems to forget every bloody night that DD gets up at 6ish and stays up to midnight dicking around and then complains about being tired.
see, I started off being a bitch if I didn't get at least 1 of the 2 lie ins up for grabs on the weekend.
When I was still BFing DS, I would bring him into our bed on a Saturday morning, feed him, then hand him over to DH, saying I was going back to sleep and that to bring him back around 10ish for the next feed.
I maintain that those few hours every week were important father/son bonding time. You'd actually be doing him a favour in the long run, helping him have a better relationship with his children.
BFing is no reason not to get a lie in. I feed ds2, DH changes ds1 and then ds2 and then takes them downstairs while I go back to sleep.
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