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AIBU to think .....drinking and children?

(54 Posts)
macdoodle Sat 16-Jul-11 20:17:11

Ugh my XH is an arse, I know that, a lot of history.
Tonight he has my DD's overnight for the first time since DD2 was born ( we were actually seperated when she was born). DD1 is almost 10, DD2 is 3 and a half.
The arrangement was for me to drop them at his at 5pm, so we get there, stuff out the car, knock the door no answer, no signal on his mobile.
I know he's in the pub (as does DD1 sad). 2 very very disappointed little girls. DD1 begs me to take them to see if he is in the pub (god cue memories of our crappy marriage). She begs me not to argue with him, and to let them stay sad
Get to pub, she goes in and comes out with him. He acts all ignorant and says arrangement was 6pm (it wasnt). I ask him if he is drunk (calmly though am inwardly so angry I could happily kill him). He says no he has had a few pints (looks like he has had more though not fall down drunk sad). DD1 is desperately pleading behind his back sadsad DD2 is just so excited.
So he says "you gonna give us a lift to mine then", so I grit my teeth and take them to his.
Am not happy, but I know his GF and their daughter (same age as DD2), will be along later and are also staying tonight (they don't live together).
Though I can't stand her, she will be a sober responsible adult.

IANBU am I???? Surely not, how much do you drink when you are looking after your DC, I stick to one glass wine max, as I am the only adult in the house. He's an arse right?? Because he acted like I was the loon, as always.

norksinmywaistband Sat 16-Jul-11 20:21:32

Well I drink as much as I want tbh, if I have been on a night out and come back, I am on my own with the children.
Weekends I will often have a bottle of wine during the evening.
I am quite capable of looking after my children.

I do think that if I had not had my children for a while I would want to make the most of it and would wait until they had gone to bed before having a drink.

macdoodle Sat 16-Jul-11 20:25:22

Norks, what would you do if you something happened and you had to go to hospital/out of hour doctor? If you were so soundly asleep (passed out) you didn't hear the fire alarm? How old are your children?

MissVerinder Sat 16-Jul-11 20:26:12

Erm... I drink nothing at all, despite the fact that DP lives here too.

I am always mindful of the fact that I have 2 DD's in the house that might need my uncompromised sober attention at any point, including trips to A+E (which has happened twice before- bronchiolitis and a severe hypo for DP).

TBH, I woudn't go out and get pissed, even if I wanted to, so, OP; I think YANBU. At all.

TheCountessOlenska Sat 16-Jul-11 20:26:39

I have a few glasses of wine sometimes if on my own with DD (I don't drive anyway so would have to call a taxi if I needed to go to a&e or something).

But yes, he sounds like an arse. Getting drunk in the pub instead of preparing for the arrival of his children, not being in when you arrived etc. Does he have a drink problem? (reminds me of something that would have happened with my own [alcoholic] father).

TheFeministsWife Sat 16-Jul-11 20:26:42

YANBU, he's an arse. Especially if your dd1 knew he'd be in the pub. sad

With regards to how much to drink when looking after DC, I usually drink when they're in bed. If DH is on nights and I'm on my own I'll have 2-3 Bacardi's max. If DH is home and we're both drinking one of us will have less than the other. I suppose there is no right or wrong on how much you drink when kids are bed really. I think it's completely different to having a few when they're in bed than drinking in the pub all afternoon and then being in sole charge like you're ex.

cookcleanerchaufferetc Sat 16-Jul-11 20:27:22

I think it would be a reasonable expectation for the ops ex to be sober seeing as it is his first time with the dds. Instead of going to the pub he should have been at home waiting for them. Sorry op but YANBU at all. He is a shit and it is a shame his kids can't see it ..... But they will one day.

For the main parent to have a few drinks at home is different. completely different.

Themumsnot Sat 16-Jul-11 20:28:05

Norks, what would you do if you something happened and you had to go to hospital/out of hour doctor?
I guess she would do the same as those of us who can't drive/don't have a car and call a taxi.

squeakytoy Sat 16-Jul-11 20:29:11

A bottle of wine drunk over the course of the evening does not normally render most people comatose. And if you have been drinking, you call a taxi if you have an emergency. If you couldnt drive or didnt have a car, you would have to do that anyway.

Guildenstern Sat 16-Jul-11 20:29:34

I am quite happy to drink while I have the children.

If something happened and I needed to go to A & E, I would call a taxi. Same as if I didn't own a car.

I would never drink so much that I couldn't hear a fire alarm. If I ever drank that much I imagine I would be hospitalised on my own account.

But FWIW it sounds as though your ex was being a complete twat, and YANBU.

macdoodle Sat 16-Jul-11 20:30:10

Very sadly my gorgeous, amazing, bright DD1 is becoming very aware of what he is sad Still loves him though.

TheCountessOlenska Sat 16-Jul-11 20:30:13

Themumsnot - yes! it annoys me that us non-drivers are not responsible parents by implication! If it was a real emergency, I would call an ambulance.

AuntieMonica Sat 16-Jul-11 20:30:15

YANBU to question the responsibilities and capabilities of A.N.Other with whom you are going to leave your own DCs with, if you did not feel comfortable with it, then you should have taken them back home.

YABVVVU to come onto MN and take that uncertainty out on other posters, as that is what you are in grave danger of doing here.

Iteotwawki Sat 16-Jul-11 20:30:20

I'm not the only adult in the house and I stick to 2 glasses of wine (250ml total). Lots of reasons - the omg what if? scenario, that I don't want my boys associating Mummy with being drunk, that I would rather role model enjoyment of anything in moderation/responsible drinking, that I don't think I'm that good a parent if I am off my face on wine, that if I have been drinking to excess one of the first things to go is self control, that there is just no need for it.

I wouldn't have left children alone with him until his GF had arrived tbh, though not knowing back story etc not sure if this would have been an option. Or brought them back later (obviously impractical if you live a way away).

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

BooyHoo Sat 16-Jul-11 20:31:01

i dont drink when my dcs are in the house because i am a lone parent. i wouldn't be happy for a babysitter to drink whilst looking after them so why would it be any better or safer for me to do it?

happy2bhomely Sat 16-Jul-11 20:31:04

What a dick! Your ExH I mean of course. I don't know if UABU to be honest. I wouldn't have left them with someone who was drunk, despite them pleading.

I don't ever drink enough to get even tipsy if I am home alone with kids. Even if I'm out (which is rare these days!) Me and DH take it in turns to have a drink, (alternate weekends)so one of us is always on the ball. I'm careful to not drink enough to make me drunk because I can't bear the thought of something happening to the children and me turning up pissed. Maybe I'm a bit ott though. We're not big drinkers, and wouldn't be even if we didn't have kids.

Your poor girls. I don't know what would have been better...you dragging them back home in tears(and blaming you) or leaving them with someone who clearly isn't responsible.

spookshowangel Sat 16-Jul-11 20:31:31

macdoodle reading that is like reliving my marriage. i have friends over when the kids are asleep and we would drink etc i dont see a prob with this. but what your ex is doing is not reasoned or controlled drinking in it. he wouldnt be able to get up for the kids once he had passed out etc? its poss i am channelling my own ex here.
he is a completely knob and i feel for your children. they are only going to learn as they get older their father cant be relied on and always has an excuse.

MissVerinder Sat 16-Jul-11 20:32:37

TCO- If it was a real emergency, I would call an ambulance too, in fact I did (DP needed one of those crazy injections)- I just live close enough to the hospital to make it quicker to drive there instead. They estimated 15 minutes wait.

I made it in six smile

norksinmywaistband Sat 16-Jul-11 20:32:39

Exactly, I would call a cab - always have emergency cash in the house.
I have never slept so soundly that I haven't heard my children get up to the toilet , so the likelyhood that I wouldn't hear a fire alarm, mains wired about 10ft from my bed is highly unlikely.

Not thats is very relevant my dc are 5 and 6. Have been a single parent for 2 and a half years.

verytellytubby Sat 16-Jul-11 20:33:12

I drink when the kids are in bed. Tonight I'll have a bottle of wine throughout the evening. I'll wake up if they do and I'll hear the fire alarm. God forbid, if an emergency happens I'll ring a cab or ambulance. What do parents do that don't drive/have a car?

Your ex sounds like a wanker (which is why he's an ex). Drinking all afternoon in the pub is very different from slowly drinking wine over the course of the evening. I hope his GF has turned up.

macdoodle Sat 16-Jul-11 20:33:22

Yes he has a drink problem, IMO, though he would deny it. When we were together he would regularly pass out fall asleep on the sette and not wake upable. If his GF was not staying, I wouldn't have let them stay, but I would have been the bad guy. This happened before when DD2 was about 1 and I wouldnt let them stay, he never asked again, until Dd1 has been asking to stay recently.

LaurieFairyCake Sat 16-Jul-11 20:34:12

I think you did the right thing as the gf is coming over. However, I probably wouldn't have gone to the pub looking for him as you risk him being falling down drunk.

What an arse he is.

squeakytoy Sat 16-Jul-11 20:35:47

Daft question, but if he has been able to sit getting pissed in the pub all afternoon, why did he not have his children then instead, rather than have them in the evening when they (especially the youngest) will be almost ready for bed.

macdoodle Sat 16-Jul-11 20:38:32

Was absolutely not having a go at other posters. Because he has this uncanny knack (still) of making me feel like a complete idiot, was wondering if perhaps I was.
I understand that some parents don't drive and could call a taxi. Personally for me being too drunk to drive = being too drunk to be responsible. I understand that is a personal issue.
Would any drink in the pub all afternoon, and then be solely responsible for their DC (assuming his GF wasnt coming)?
I guess for me the drinking is just another sign of how little he gives a shit about anyone else but himself, and he couldnt just give it a miss for the first time he was having them.

bibbitybobbityhat Sat 16-Jul-11 20:38:44

Sorry to hijack, but can I just say nice to see you norksinmywaistband.

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