to think we could have been included in buying a family car

[Ivortheengine8]

DH has talked for some time about getting us a new family car before DC2 arrives in October.
Finally today he has gone off to look for one and hopefully find something he likes.

I thought he might have wanted me to go with him. I understand why he doesnt want dc1 to go as she would probably get bored but I said I could drop her off somewhere for a couple of hours and he and I could go.

But no, this morning he wants to do it himself and said it would be easier for him to negotiate a good price on his own. I don't know what he is getting or even what he wants to look at.

Hands up, I havent passed my test yet so I won't be driving the car (Yet!) but seeing as we hardly do anything as a family anyway I thought he could have included me a bit more. Even if I had been asked what I liked the look off or for some imput.

[worraliberty]

YABU as much as I can understand you wanting to be included, it sounds as though he feels it should be totally his choice..which I kind of understand since he has to drive whatever you may like the look of.

[DogsBestFriend]

He's the one driving it, not you!

Presuming that he knows more about cars than you and than merely ones he "likes the look of", YABU.

[Ivortheengine8]

Yes but it's not as if I would have asked him to get something he didn't like, even if I had he wouldnt have listened to me anyway! It's just the fact that its a fairly big decision and as usual he wants to do it himself.

[controlleddemolition]

YANBU. It's a huge decision and when you learn to drive you WILL be driving it.

Plus there may be things you'll consider which he won't.

[Ivortheengine8]

so, dogs bestfriend and worrel, If I were to go out and spend £7000 + on something we were going to use as a family (Which maybe I will use more than him) are you saying I should not even ask the opinion of DH?

[DogsBestFriend]

Perhaps he wants to do it himself because, as not only a driver but as the one who will be driving his purchase, he knows more about it than you do and would find distractions from a non-driver unhelpful? He probably knows too how a salesman will try to use the fact that wife is in tow to his advantage - that's standard common practice in the trade. Trust me, your presence would not be helpful!

I'm ex motor-trade (dealership technical side) - I wouldn't take a non driver with me to choose a car, whether they were my spouse or not for this very reason. No way! Well, not unless my spouse was a vehicle technician or dealership service manager at the very least!

[NearlyHeadlessnickelbabe]

YANBU - it's a large sum of money, and it'sa family purchase, which means you should both have equal input and equal final say.

even if he then goes back on his own to do the deal, you should be included in the decision.

[FuzzpigFourFiveSix]

YANBU, just because you aren't a driver yet doesn't necessarily mean you would've been "ooh that one looks pretty, let's get that one!" and disregarded any technical details

Purchases as massive as a car should involve both of you IMO, even if one person is more knowledgeable they can still at least listen to their partner's view, even if it's just choosing the colour! The partner may also think of stuff the other has missed, like "is the boot going to be big enough for the buggy" and "can you disable the airbag so the baby can be safe in the carseat" - it's just good to have two people to talk things through IME.

I'll laugh if your DH turns up with a midlife crisis sports car :o

[worraliberty]

Maybe you will and maybe you won't but the fact is you don't have a licence to drive...therefore I'm saying I understand your DH's reasoning on this one, unless you know a lot about cars and can be of some help.

[ShoutyHamster]

Family car bought with family finances? big important purchase?

YANBU. If you want to be there, you should.

And getting a better deal if he's there on his own?

I think that translates as: His plan is to adopt a Persona. This Persona will be a bit swaggery. A bit cocky. He will stroll around the cars with a nonchalant air, looking slightly aggressive, even a bit pissed off. His accent will morph into a cross between Michael Caine and a strange south - sorry, sarf London rapper. This, he believes, will make him One Of The Boys, A Bloke Who Knows What He's On About. Hence he will Bond with the car sellers, who are also Blokes, and not get ripped off oh no definitely not.

You (and especially DD) would completely ruin this plan. Firstly because Blokes Who Get Good Deals On Cars don't have partners who get involved in these kind of things, as they are Free Spirits. Secondly, because you would pee yourself laughing as soon as the Persona rolled into action and thus spoil it all!

[Ivortheengine8]

Thankyou Zukie and controlled, exactly, when I do (finally!) pass the dmm test I will hopefully be driving it and probably be using it more than him as I will be ferying the children around in the week. Its not so much the decision as being included iyswim?
I know I don't know much about cars but at the end of the day it is a lot of money and I would have liked to have had some idea.

[FuzzpigFourFiveSix]

That's a fair point from dogsbestfriend about the salesman manipulating you... If the DH was aware of that then maybe he could've talked to OP about it before? Looked online, read reviews, come up with a joint list of priorities?

[StealthPolarBear]

YANBU DH and I involve each other in decisions to spend money on everything over a certain amount!

[ShoutyHamster]

But, DogsBestFriend, bottom line is it's her money too! So he just doesn't get to be able to say you can't be a part of this decision, no matter how many 'sensible' reasons there may be for it. Family money = family business. Surely it just has to work that way!

[Ivortheengine8]

LOL fuzzpig, he better bloody not!

[StealthPolarBear]

do you think he is going to get something he thinks you won't want?

[controlleddemolition]

But dogsbestfriend, the OP hasn't just been excluded from the purchase but from the entire process:

"I don't know what he is getting or even what he wants to look at"

That sounds extremely controlling to me. Fine, make the purchase alone if he must but to not dicuss it? To not even let her have a look at/inside the kind of thing he wants? It's a FAMILY car.

[ChaoticAngelofGryffindor]

YANBU

[eurochick]

It depends if he is buying it with joint funds or his own money. If he's paying for it and driving it then it should be his choice.

My husband doesn't drive so I choose our cars, buy them and insure them. We share petrol costs cos I end up driving him around. When I last changed cars he said he would learn to drive so I said I would wait until he did and buy something sensible. He never got around to it so I bought my ridiculous boy racer mobile. I took my dad with me for the test drive for a bit of father-daughter bonding.

If you're both paying for it, you should get a say.

[GwendolineMaryLacey]

YANBU. I'd be bloody furious if DH sloped off to spend £7k without any input from me. And what's this about non drivers having no useful opinion? Bollocks. I didn't realise you needed to have passed a test to comment on boot size, economy, rear seat room, colour, spec etc etc.

[Ivortheengine8]

Shouty I love it, I also thought that maybe if he gets something he would like to 'test drive' it to its limit on the way home and he wouldnt be able to do that with me and DD in the car.
Dogsbestfriend , I understand the saleman bit but yes he has been looking online for a while so could maybe have included me in that bit?

[TheMagnificentBathykolpian]

How are you when he haggles? I ask because I used to want the floor to open up and swallow me when my husband started the whole haggling dance. I would try to stop him because I was embarrassed.

If you are like that, perhaps that's the reason?

If you're not, then god knows.

Before I could drive, my husband would go on his own to get cars, one because he had to drive it so really it had to be comfy for him, and I could certainly trust him to get something suitable for the family and two, because of the haggling thing

If you want to go just because you want to get out and about and have some time with him and you won't be trying to shush him as he tries to beat the seller down a few hundred quid , then he is being a bit mean to not want you along.

If you are saying that you really need to be there because he can't or won't make a suitable choice for the family - well - either he's selfish, or incapable or you think only you can understand what the family needs, I don't know which it is cos I don't know you

[Ivortheengine8]

:) Gwendoline very true.

[DogsBestFriend]

Not im my life, if it's my money and me who will be driving and repairing the bloody thing, shouty! Certainly not when I'm the one who knows about the product and how to operate it and my spouse doesn't.

(No - I don't agree with shared finances and all this "it's family money" stuff, been screwed over, never again!).

Do you know how easy it is for a salesman to manipulate a man when he bowls up to a dealership with what is often considered "the little woman non-driver"? What nic extras little woman can persuade DH to buy, how little woman can be convinced that the bigger (more expensive) car for the sake of the DC and so on?

I didn't work in sales, as I said I was on the technical side but if you work alongside these guys daily and see/hear them in action daily you learn a thing or two about it all. :)