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AIBU that i want to leave my dh as he doesnt want anymore kids

(219 Posts)
bliss88 Sat 16-Jul-11 10:30:23

i have been with my dh for 4 years now and we are very happy, we had a baby 2 years ago and he is beautiful, Dh is fantastic dad! one evening i started to talk about having more kids and he just snapped at me saying i dont want any more! i was shocked as i thought being brought up in a big family enviroment it would make him want to have a bigger family with me! i said to him that i dont think i can be with someone who doesnt want anymore kids, he then turned it round saying i was using him etc!

i feel so upset that the man i love and who i thought loved me doesnt want anymore children with me!

i really really want more children i dont want my ds brought up an only child! i was brought up in a big family too and i had such amazing times with my brothers and sisters.

i am currently on the coil but i dont want to have it all my life as i want more kids!

What do i do??

HeadfirstForHalos Sat 16-Jul-11 10:32:42

Has he never mentioned this before? Have you ever mentioned that you wanted dc and how many?

YANBU for your feelings, you can't help how you feel, maybe you could both talk more?

BibiBelle Sat 16-Jul-11 10:33:09

I not convinced walking out on a marriage without having a calm and reasonable discussion about it is the way forward? Has he given reasons as to why he doesn't want more children? Are you financially secure or under pressure - maybe he feels you can't afford them?

There are many reasons he might not want more and if you don't discuss it properly you're not likely to get to the bottom of it.

FabbyChic Sat 16-Jul-11 10:33:54

You either love your husband to the point he is enough, or you split up and find another suitable sperm donor.

Sometimes you have to make sacrifices when you are with someone, this might be the sacrifice you have to make.

worraliberty Sat 16-Jul-11 10:36:46

Something as important as this should really have been discussed before getting married...or has he changed his mind?

AgentZigzag Sat 16-Jul-11 10:37:13

I think you would be unreasonable to do that, what about the DC you have with him already?

It does sound as though you're using him, is there nothing more to the man you say you love?

Saying he doesn't love you just because he won't do what you want is very selfish.

GwendolineMaryLacey Sat 16-Jul-11 10:37:35

And his sacrifice?

You need to really iron this one out before you take any action. Find out what his reasoning is. Is this out of the blue, what was his stance before?

WhoseGotMyEyebrows Sat 16-Jul-11 10:38:50

I can understand why you are upset! Did you agree on how mnay children you would have before you got married or had the first dc?

WhoseGotMyEyebrows Sat 16-Jul-11 10:39:48

FabbyChic That's harsh! The woman just wants more children with the man she loves! Maybe HE needs to make a sacrifice.

worraliberty Sat 16-Jul-11 10:40:56

Also, would you be prepared to leave him if he decided he wanted to be the resident parent of the child you already have, or are you assuming you'll take your DS with you?

juneau Sat 16-Jul-11 10:45:09

I'm always amazed by these threads where a couple have got married and had a kid and obviously not had the 'How many kids do you want?' conversation yet. Isn't it one of those fundamental things that a couple should discuss early on in their relationship - or at least before getting married?

So yes, I think YABU if you haven't bothered to discuss this with him before now and it's come as a big surprise.

As to whether you should leave him - only you can decide whether having more kids is more important than being with the man you (supposedly) want(ed) to share the rest of your life with. I guess those marriage vows don't mean much either ...

bliss88 Sat 16-Jul-11 10:45:27

I havent mentioned it before and i said to him that he wont be for another few years yet but i just brought it up as i thought thats what couples talk about ,is it not? there was an ad on the tele and i said it would be lovely to have a little girl next tim eand he just said theres not going to be a next time we have 1 isnt that enough! i was horrified! as i love children and have just started back to work so i could spend a good few years with my ds before he grows up and stops being a "baby".

yes you are right when we had ds i was at university and it was a struggle! i am only 23 and he is too so maybe he has just a bit more growning up to do and in a few years he may see different, but we have acheived so much im training to be a nurse and he is chef. ok we arent the wealthiest of people but we have our billls paid on time! we started from nothing when i feel pregnant and had fantastic family support from both my mum and mil!

His parents did have a marriage breakup a few years ago and i think that affected him alot so maybe he just doent want that to happen to us and having more children may make it harder! im not sure.

I dont want to leave him as im very happy but when he said this to me it made me look at him different! he loves our ds so i really dont understand why he wouldnt want more kids!

I havent mentioned it again as it caused so much tension on us both and i didnt want it to be that way maybe i should just live each day as it comes and and when ive finished my nursing who knows maybe i can mentioned it again!

i dont want to go against him and have my coil removed and tell him it was an accident as marriages shouldnt be that way but i cant not have any more children! at least one more!

HappyMummyOfOne Sat 16-Jul-11 10:49:27

Telling somebody you only want to be with them so you can have more children does sound like you are using them. If you leave because you cant have something you want it will cause major upheaval in your sons life which seems so very selfish.

This conversation should have been had a long time ago prior to marriage. Both parties have a right to say how many children they would like and I hate the view on MN that a womans right over rides the mans.

Growing up in a large family shows you all the drawbacks of multiple children, maybe he hated it or knows the impact it has on subsequent children and finances. Are you expecting him to work whilst you get to stay home - its a lot of pressure on anyone who is the sole earner.

bliss88 Sat 16-Jul-11 10:49:29

i have you know that i love my dh very very very much! we have no problems and i would do anything for him! i was just asking for advice not to be attack agentzigzag! we have been through alot together and yes i think about our son every momment i have this conversation. spliting my family up is the last thing i want to do to him but not having more children with a man who says he loves me isnt right! he should have left me at the beginning but he didnt want to as he wanted the baby!how dare you say im selfish, i am far from it! you as a women with children should be a little bit more understanding!

Georgimama Sat 16-Jul-11 10:50:50

I think that as you are 23 you have loads of time for him to change his mind about this. Even if he never does I fail to see how it would be beneficial to you or your son to leave a marriage in which you say you are otherwise happy, remove your child from the love and comfort of having two parents living together, subjecting your son to the potential conflict and bitterness of divorce proceedings and contact wrangles in the hope that you will one day - what? Meet someone else and have children with them? Have further children on your own as a single parent?

I do however think that if one partner wants children and the other doesn't, it is up to the one who doesn't to take responsibility for contraception. I would get the coil removed but you must tell him you have done so.

maypole1 Sat 16-Jul-11 10:51:08

My god how selfish you are telling me your going to deprive your child of their dad because at the moment he dosent want any more kids shock
Good luck explaining to your child that he only sees his dad at weekends because you couldn't have your own way

I assume he didn't say he wanted lots of children before you got married or that he wanted lots of children close together if he did then fair enough but it sounds like you have just come up with this

To be honest the grass is not greener your oh may change his mind if you give him space and wait till dd is older on the other hand you may meet someone else who is even more likely not to want any more kids to be honest I think your being a little daft their are woman who's husbands are having affairs, who beat them or who beat their kids on nm if your oh not wanting another child is all you have to worry about then you need to get out more and I suspect your boredom is the reason for wanting more kids

Its nt as if you don't have any children at all FFS

dreamofwhitehorses Sat 16-Jul-11 10:51:31

UABU to think that it would be preferable for your child to split up her family rather than not have a sibling. In fact I don't think you are thinking about her at all, just you. I would have loved more than one child but am bloody greatful for what I have, a small but very happy family.

BibiBelle Sat 16-Jul-11 10:52:01

I understand the desire to have more children as I too wanted more, am not able to have them though sad and am very blessed with the DC we have. You are however very young and if you struggled with your DS maybe he feels it would be the same with another one.

You can't just up sticks and leave because you're not getting your own way. You also can't just ignore a conversation you NEED to have before it festers into resentment.

FuzzpigFourFiveSix Sat 16-Jul-11 10:52:28

I'm quite surprised that he actually snapped at you - is this a sudden change? Had you ever discussed how many DCs you wanted? Is he particularly stressed ATM?

Georgimama Sat 16-Jul-11 10:52:32

Why should he have left you bliss? He has a wife and a child that he wanted. His family is the way he wants it to be.

thefirstMrsDeVere Sat 16-Jul-11 10:52:35

You are both 23 and you have a two year old.

I expect he is enjoying the relative peace that comes as your first baby grows up a bit. You could have another 20 years to have a baby and as your partner gets older he may well decide that he wants more children.

I understand your need for another child , why do you think so many women have children two years apart? Its when you tend to get really broody! Your baby seems to be all grown up and you long for another.

Dont do it 'by mistake'. You want a baby that he wants too.

Enjoy your toddler and see what happens in the next few years.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows Sat 16-Jul-11 10:53:43

I think some people have been a bit harsh. How many children you have is quite a deal breaker and it makes sense that you hadn't discussed how many to have seeing as you are both so young. I'm guessing that the first time was an accident?!

He may have just been reacting and his response to you may well just not be very well thought out. You need to have a proper discussion about it. You are so young and to decide to never have any more children is quite a big one to make. You might find though that once he's thought about it more it might be that he will be ok about having another one is 4/5/6 years time. It's a lot to take on at such a young age.

worraliberty Sat 16-Jul-11 10:54:17

Calm down bliss no-one's attacking you

But you're saying things like spliting my family up is the last thing i want to do to him....do you mean your son or your DH when you say 'him'?

mrskemp Sat 16-Jul-11 10:55:36

yabu, your dh must be very hurt if you said you'd leave him if he wouldn't agree to more children. How would you feel if the position was reversed?

bliss88 Sat 16-Jul-11 10:56:11

yes we did have the how many kids do you want discussion! and my wedding vowels did mean alot as i didnt have a huge showy off wedding and we wrote them ourselves! some of you have been very rude and instead of giving helpful and kind advice have been very nasty.

i wish i hadnt of asked as i thought mumsnet was suppose to be here for advice not nasty women who obviously dont like the fact that some women get married and dont dicuss having kids the first minute they have left the church!

to some of you ladies thankyou so much for your kind and helpful advice!

being a young mum is hard, so to then be attack on here has made me feel shit.

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