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please tell me the truth ... is it me?

(8 Posts)
scuzy Thu 14-Jul-11 11:47:13

i am slowly weaning off anti ds but my partner is still on very strong ones. we are supportive of one another and things are ok at the moment better than they have been.

however we have no sex life to be blunt. its been over a year. any advances i make i am knocked back. i experienced low libido myself but that was over the act itself not being clsoe to him. however he doesnt want to be touched by me, kisses are pecks on the lips, no closeness, no holding hands, proper kissing, or anything.

i feel ugly, rejected, that he doesnt love me, not attracted to me. i know my weight is a factor (piled on with anti ds and comfort eating) and he says that i am fat (well it is obvious) but he says he loves me but is, in his words, "chemically castrated".

is this normal? anyone any advice or experience?

(also posted in Health but want more advice please)

squeakytoy Thu 14-Jul-11 11:49:42

If he is on strong medication, then chances are he is being very honest with you about his libido.

However, saying you are "fat" is unkind and tactless and for that he is being very unreasonable.

NestaFiesta Thu 14-Jul-11 11:59:55

It's NOT YOU.

My DH is depressed and the romance has gone out the window. However, he is on new meds that will hopefully help. It's very very hard not to take personally. I honestly think I have become fatter and uglier since my DH's libido went downhill, but if I am strict and logical, I remember that his job has driven all enthusiasm out of him, not me. I look the same as I did when he was Dr Love in the bedroom. My dear friends gave me a mantra "It's not my fault". Use it because as you know yourself Depression isn't caused by a person, it's caused by chemicals or trauma or stress.

Your DH is being hurtful. Tell him.

It's hard supporting a depressed person but I have made it clear to my DH I will do anything and everything to help him but if he is obnoxious the help dries up. He's been pretty good since then and it's easier to help someone who is being appreciative.

Doyouthinktheysaurus Thu 14-Jul-11 12:00:45

Some drugs can have a devastating affect on libido and even cause erectile problems.

It's no wonder you feel rejected if he has told you that you are fat though, that is very unkind and serves no purpose to you at all.

TheSugarPlumFairy Thu 14-Jul-11 12:10:38

my DH was on Anti D's a few years ago and his libido went through the floor. It really was very nearly the end of us. He would not engage in any kind of physical closeness, be it touching me, kissing, any kind of random acts of affection.

I was devestated, felt awful about myself. Got to the point that i had appointments set up with estate agents to view flats to rent with a view to leaving him.

We finally had a very very honest talk about it. Turned out that in his mind, all of those acts of affection had the potential to turn into sex and he very much did not want to have sex as the meds ment he was virtually impotent and he could not face the failure of not being able to "follow through". Every time he tried and couldnt get there, his confidence took another battering so he just refused to go there, and that meant he wouldnt go anywhere near any activity that could (in his head) remotely lead to sex.

It helped me to understand what was going through his head. I still felt like crap and very very frustrated but it helped to know it wasnt all about me. In the end we adjusted his dosage, switched prescriptions and eventually replaced meds altogether with talking therepies and CBT.

Though it is awful to hear i wonder if the comments by him calling you fat are an attempt to take the pressure re sex. a horrible way to do it, but then we dont act very rationally or empathically when depressed.

scuzy Thu 14-Jul-11 12:10:47

thanks guys. thats just it though i was in flying form, had my 3 month appointment with psych told him things were better came to agreement that i can reduce my tabs and then this last night. havent cried like that in so long. but i know he was only telling the truth. but the irony of it is it brings me right down again.

i feel so rejected. i feel like everyone looks at me in disgust and i'll never have that intimacy again.

scuzy Thu 14-Jul-11 12:13:57

TheSuganPlumFairy thanks for sharing that. thats a valid point and guess i didnt think that he would be afriad to perform. thing is i dont care about that i just want SOME affection anything at all!!!

Ormirian Thu 14-Jul-11 12:23:18

No it isn't you. And it isn't him.

I have just stopped taking anti-ds. My libido has made a tentative return but TBH I spend days just wanting to scream or hide. Depression is shit. The drugs to treat it are shit. My DH is being a total arse - he gets very irritable with me - which I can understand - but doesn't help at all.

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