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to tell some in laws to use my proper name?

(76 Posts)
LeggyBlondeNE Thu 14-Jul-11 10:29:01

It's the Miriam Gonzalez-Durantez being sneered off as Mrs Clegg that has got me thinking about this again.

I am Dr Leggy Blonde. My husband is Dr Joe Bloggs.

His godparents and aunt and uncle all send cards to Mr and Mrs Bloggs. Or worse: Mr and Mrs J Bloggs.

I know they've been told I kept my name because it came up when the baby was born (she has Blonde as a middle name although in hindsight we wish we'd just given her my name full stop!). But still they do it.

To me it's rude and even problematic when cheques are sent in the wrong name. And since they send cards for birthdays, christmas, anniversaries, baby, Easter, and any other Hallmark holiday that the shops tell them they ought to, we get a lot of these! (Although that's a whole other nice thought vs waste of trees debate!)

So should I finally bite the bullet and write to ask them to call me by my actual name? I really really want to ... just not sure if I'll come across as madam-ish!

squeakytoy Thu 14-Jul-11 10:33:25

It isnt unreasonable for family to assume that when you married someone and became his wife, you would become Mrs whatever...

Most people would keep their maiden name for professional purposes but use their married name for everything else, so yes, you are being a bit precious.

ZillionChocolate Thu 14-Jul-11 10:33:32

I did "remind" StepMiL that I hadn't changed my name on marriage recently. I did want to make a big deal of it, but ended up emailing her to say "thanks very much for the birthday cheque, plan to spend it on X, by the way, I haven't changed my name but Barclays did let me pay it into the joint account on this occasion". If you're nice about it, they would be unreasonable to be offended. It's your name, they should use it, nothing wrong in correcting their assumption.

Miggsie Thu 14-Jul-11 10:34:39

You can certainly mention the cheque thing...my MIL always wrote the wrong name or DH's name and DH finally told her that he should write them in my name because he was so disorganised he never got round to paying cheques in to his own account and the main bank account is in my name which I did not change after marriage. So she did.
She didn't like me not changing my name, but I said it was for professional reasons (which it was) which she finally accepted, but it took a few years.

ZillionChocolate Thu 14-Jul-11 10:34:44

I disagree with Squeaky Toy. It's not being precious to want to be called by your own name. YWBU to be pissed off at their assumption but not U to correct it.

ChristinedePizan Thu 14-Jul-11 10:38:53

Lots of my friends haven't changed their name on marriage so I address cards to the Blonde Bloggs family rather than to Ms Blonde and Mr Bloggs.

But then I am a fully paid up member of MN Feminists wink

ZacharyQuack Thu 14-Jul-11 10:41:45

I disagree with squeakytoy too, it's not precious to want to be called by your own name.

I like your name, BTW

Leggy leggy leggy leggy
Blondie blondie blondie blondie

squeakytoy Thu 14-Jul-11 10:43:25

Oh well, I was quite proud to change my surname to my husbands when we got married. I quite like being Mrs xxx.

DogsBestFriend Thu 14-Jul-11 10:43:35

What's wrong with correcting people (as firmly as necessary an trust me, I know all about having to be firm on this!)?

You'd correct them often enough if your name was Jane and folk called you Susan, wouldn't you? You'd be understandably pissd off if they persisted in calling you Susan despite repeatedly being told that you're called Jane. What's so different about a surname?

You're Dr Blonde. If family don't like it, tough! Keep telling them, it will sink in eventually although it may take years and you may want to slap a few people in the waiting period.

LeggyBlondeNE Thu 14-Jul-11 10:44:41

ZillionChocolate - problem is it's been presents rather than cheques recently so no such excuse has arisen. I know they know, becayse I asked MIL to double check, so it almost seems deliberate.

No wait, I have the perfect excuse! The baby's birthday is approaching; I can ask people who want to give money (when sending her 'wishlist' of clothes around) to write it to me under MY NAME so I can put it in her uni fund!

basingstoke Thu 14-Jul-11 10:46:19

Insisting on the right surname is completely reasonable. Insisting on 'Dr' would be precious. But you're not doing that, so, YANBU.

throckenholt Thu 14-Jul-11 10:47:31

I have exactly the same thing (although I wouldn't not describe myself as a leggy blonde grin). I get irritated annually when Christmas cards arrive. But it doesn't bother me enough to do anything about it.

And to be blunt - they are all old and not going to be around for that many more years so not worth maknig a thing about it (in my case at least).

oohjarWhatsit Thu 14-Jul-11 10:47:37

definitely precious

CrapolaDeVille Thu 14-Jul-11 10:48:00

It's your name they should use it. I have a long first name and get annoyed when people shorten it on cards and things, especially as I like to be called (both verbally and written) by my whole name. I don't start calling people 'J' when their name is Jack, or Anna instead of Annabel.

LeggyBlondeNE Thu 14-Jul-11 10:48:14

squeaky - problem with we working academics is that our names represent years of slog, obsession, dedication and our careers are built on them, so we can get a bit attached. ;-) More seriously, I knew when I got my doctorate that I'd never change my name on marraige (we both have rather long surnames so double barrelling wasn't an option although we did nearly inflict it on DD!). That for me was the big 'change' and rite of passage and I notified banks, changed passport etc.

It's pretty normal among my peers.

MerylStrop Thu 14-Jul-11 10:48:19

Tell them. And keep telling them.
Happens to me too, and is very annoying.

VeronicaCake Thu 14-Jul-11 10:48:43

YANBU I did exactly the same as you. And it isn't precious at all, but with the exception of the cheques thing I'd save my breath unless you think they are doing it deliberately to upset you.

My godmother who is 81 will never get her head round the fact that I didn't change my name on marriage. But she loves me dearly and if she gets it wrong it is an honest mistake so I say nothing.

throckenholt Thu 14-Jul-11 10:49:23

Ah - just realised I missed the bit about cheques. I have one bank account in my married name that I pay them into.

If it happens a lot either open an account just for that, or send them all a letter asking them to make any cheques out to ..... because you can't cash the others.

MerylStrop Thu 14-Jul-11 10:49:37

Although it does sometimes occur to me that they are doing it on purpose to wind me up

basingstoke Thu 14-Jul-11 10:49:59

Well, that post did sound a bit precious wink

LeggyBlondeNE Thu 14-Jul-11 10:50:42

basingstoke - you should hear me when salesmen ring and ask for Mrs Blonde! That's how I know... ;-) Although why they haven't all just started using Ms when cold calling I don't know!

Pootles2010 Thu 14-Jul-11 10:51:54

Why is it precious? Deliberately calling someone by the wrong name is rude <gavel>

throckenholt Thu 14-Jul-11 10:58:53

you know the thing that really annoys me? - its the Dr and Mrs Bloggs - I did my bloody PhD as well - I have a Dr as much as he has - if they are going to use his then they should damn well use mine (at least that is what I rant when I see it). Mr and Mrs Bloggs doesn't provoke as much annoyance.

Then I calm down and think - ok maybe they forgot I did a a PhD too - not being their direct family it was probably below their radar.

ShoutyHamster Thu 14-Jul-11 11:00:33

Wanting to be called by your own name is precious? grin

They're the ones out of step, sorry. These days, assuming a name change on marriage is thoughtless at least, and deliberately provocative at worst.

The majority of my married friends have not changed. We all have the same surname as we all changed to something else entirely on marriage! - that to us was the only acceptable way for us all to have the same surname, which we wanted.

basingstoke Thu 14-Jul-11 11:02:28

DH put down me as Dr on some paperwork once and after that all our letters from that company were headed Dear Mr Basingstoke and Sir/Madam hmm

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