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i dont think i am... I am SOOO upset

(78 Posts)
nannyl Wed 13-Jul-11 21:37:56

I am currently nearly 32 weeks pregnant.

OH & his brother run their own (very successful) company, and a couple of years ago I moved up here with OH. (having just signed a 5 year deal he could not move, down to me I could, so I did)
His family all live within a 10 mins drive (many 10 min walk) and they are all really lovely. I couldnt ask for nicer "in laws"
To be here I moved 5 hours away from my family (who i am also very very close to) so clearly now i dont get to see them very often at all... which is part of the sacrifice i made when i moved!

Every year, for ever, my aunt / uncle / cousins (who live aborad) come over for a week in the summer. Always the same week (my mums birthday week)

This week has been booked into our diary since last year, and at 33 weeks pg we planned to do the 5 hour trip down south 1 last time, before baby comes, so i could see my family, and drive back at 34 weeks.

This is been booked for a year

Tonight OH comes home to tell me that "sorry he cant come anymore, as his brother has given other staff the same time off" shock Not only that but he has known for weeks and hasnt told me shock shock. And since having holiday agreed, his other staff have booked their holidays abroad, and they will be so understaffed that OH simply has to work and cant get time off.
(we are talking 4 days where he is "needed")

Now I am really quite upset....
1) I only ask for us to see my family for 2 weeks a year... this week in the summer, and a week around Xmas or New Year. (we do 1 Xmas here, then new year away, and the following year Xmas away and New year here)

He gets to see his family all the time.... and we see them pretty much every week (which is fine, i love them, they are all great).... But i miss my family too and these 2 trips a year mean a LOT to me.

Given that i am so pregnant its not really possible to go at any other time either...
the 5 hour journey can often be 7 hours when traffic is bad.... and as im planning a home birth i HAVE to be here from 37 weeks.... not 5+ hours drive away!

OH NEVER takes enough holiday (which really irritates me... Although he runs his own company he is "employed" by his company, yet last year didnt even have his legal minimum 28 days holiday.
We were supposed to have 1 week together in June which was cancelled (was too busy at work) but i let it go knowing we still had this week together in July.

Now that has been cancelled to.

Also my Dad is very poorly (mentally ill after a stroke) and this week we are there, his carer is also on holiday... no problem, im around and can see and look after and help him.... but now i cant shock

I dont wanna fly heavily pregnant (and not practical as i will have no car at other end)

I just want a few days together with OH before we have a baby who will be with us for the rest of our lives!

Is this too much to ask?

My Mums view is that im very very very lucky to be able to be a SAHM (yes i am, and its only possible because OH works so hard) and that most people who run their own buisnesses work more than OH does. (Mon - Fri 9-5) so i just have to accept it.

My view is, given that i gave up all my friends and family to move up here, with a years+ notice I should be allowed to see my family twice per year sad

(OH thinks i can go myself... but i dont fancy a 5 - 7 hour drive while so pregnant, and while unlikely it IS possible that i could go into labou 100+ miles from everyone i know, and its not a risk im prepared to take, also aswell as seeing my friends / family i wanted some last time together with me and OH... and i dont want to go away for a week all by myself

There are no alternative holiday dates available before baby is born either.

Im not even wanting to go "on holiday" as such Just to go and see my family

I think they should just get a temp in for a few days and get buy.... the buisness wont collapse in 4 days.... they might just get a bit behind, but its the summer, its tough is my opinion..... and perhaps next year OHs brother might think twice before allowing too many members of staff to book time off.

cjbartlett Wed 13-Jul-11 21:42:17

I think you should go
Take your hospital notes with you
You'll be fine

JessKM Wed 13-Jul-11 21:42:48

I feel for you, Ive been there. I have no solution, just a great big hug!

could you maybe meet up with Mum or a few family members half way for a nice day out together. I know you mentioned your dad was sick but maybe some old friends could stay with you for the weekend! You should be relaxing!!

Hope you get to see them soon

AKMD Wed 13-Jul-11 21:43:25

I think YANBU to be upset but it's hard to see what could be done about it. I hope you've explained to your DP how hurt you are and have suggested a temp. If he doesn't want to take the time off and you don't want to go away by yourself, I'm afraid you won't be able to go. I'd be hopping mad if I were you and your DP still said no though.

Hassled Wed 13-Jul-11 21:45:52

You're absolutely right. I'd be completely, absolutely, hacked off too.
Does he know how upset you are? Would a full scale hissy fit shock some sense into him - does he just assume you'll suck it up?

Failing that, I do think you should go on your own. You could break the night up overnight - any friends along the way? You won't be all by yourself when you're there, will you - you'll be preoccupied with family etc.

DuelingFanjo Wed 13-Jul-11 21:46:29

Have you told him all of this?

HumphreyCobbler Wed 13-Jul-11 21:48:49

I would be livid and upset too. You have already put up with losing another holiday and sucked it up. I know about living with someone who runs their own business, it IS hard, but one of the things you can do is organise your time to suit yourself. Why does everyone elses plans take priority over yours?

RandomMess Wed 13-Jul-11 21:49:41

I think you should ask your dh to seriously consider your suggestion of bringing in a temp, it's only 4 days....................

Blu Wed 13-Jul-11 21:50:59

Completely understandable that you are so upset.

But - go on the train, get family to meet you the other end and look after you, view it as a family visit, rather than holiday.

Then, get your DH to agree that once you have your baby, as soon as you feel ready and confident enough, the 3 of you book a last minute fabulous and relaxiong holiday to enjoy. We took DS to Greece when he was 9 weeks and had a completely blissful time - the best holiday we have had, really. We didn't expect to do much: DP sat under a tree reading with DS on his lap or asleep in his pram, I was on the beach, we had a a self catering apartment but ate out all the time, DS asleep in his pram...get your DH to agree to that.

nannyl Wed 13-Jul-11 21:53:53

Yes i have told him!

He thinks i am being rediculouse i think. right now im ignoring him and he's ignoring me back!)
I am just so so SO upset.....

also we had the same issue last year when OHs brothers, partners Dad got married in the middle of the same week (abroad).... it was booked after our weekend but clearly BIL and SIL HAD to go to her Dads wedding too......

in the end we all jigged the dates a bit and for the 1 and only day in the history of their company neither of them were there for 1 day. It WAS a big deal, but i nearly lost my summer week with my family then too.... and i really thought after last year i had made it clear how important this time was to me...

obviously not!

OH's arguement is i can go away and down south to see my family any time i want to.... he doesnt mind (and when baby is here baby can come with me too)
I know i am very very lucky to have him, but i would just like some TIME with him before baby comes, and i am worried about driving for 5 - 7 hours when baby has her foot lodged under my ribs!

amistillsexy Wed 13-Jul-11 21:56:48

Would your DH drive you down on one weekend, then come and get you back the next weekend?

He might even be able to finish on Thursday and drive down on Friday and spend a longer weekend with you before bringing you back. You won't have a car while there, but I assume you could borrow one from your parents?

fedupofnamechanging Wed 13-Jul-11 22:01:31

I think you need to make it clear to your partner that you are very pissed off with always coming last in the list of priorities and that he needs to sort himself out, especially once the baby is born, before he finds you living down south on a permanent basis! You should be his priority, not everyone else and then you.

Skillbo Wed 13-Jul-11 22:01:57

Train? I know you'll have luggage but people will always help an obviously pregnant lady - in my experience anyway..

Then DH could pop down once his crucial 4 days are done and you all come back a bit later the next week - so you get a nice 10 day break plus some time with your DH?

plupervert Wed 13-Jul-11 22:05:38

I second the train and going-by-yourself idea. I know you want your OH with you, but it seems it's not worked out (again), so don't blow this chance for yourself and your family.

However, he has got to do something about his not-telling you. Parents need to communicate and pick up slack for one another, or parenthood can be hell. And if it's hell, and he's got a ready-made escape-route of "I've got to work..."

Sorry this sounds bossy, but you should get a bit tougher with him, as it seems you will need to stand up for yourself and your DC against his work. Point out to him that he wouldn't do business that way, and also remind him that family businesses run - and never left for a holiday - by control-freak owner-managers can experience staff morale, owner-manager morale, training and other issues! See if you can imply that an inability to delegate means his business is rather crap, because it sounds it! grin

nannyl Wed 13-Jul-11 22:06:52

we have NCT on Saturday and Monday... and then the following monday

the plan was to go down Tuesday, come home Sunday.....

OH only passed his driving test a few months ago..... i wouldnt want him to drive 10+ hours in 1 day!
He has suggested that but i think driving that much when so inexperianced is just silly! Ok i could share 1 journey but not both....
or he could fly back...

but then id still have to drive home by myself at 34 weeks pg.... or i guess oh could fly down again to share the driving... yes, possible but id spend half the time doing airport runs, which rather defys the point!

Perhaps im being too negative?

My Dad doesnt have a car anymore as he cant drive anymore, i could borrow my sisters i think smile

Xales Wed 13-Jul-11 22:11:13

Tough one.

How do they organise tracking the holidays? Did his brother not have any reference where he could easily see your OH had the time booked off or did he just not care and double booked holiday.

If it was the first then they need this sorted.

If it is the second then you have bigger problems as his brother probably doesn't consider you very important and will always do this and it doesn't sound like you OH will stop it.

Many companies are going under at present so taking time off may be a luxury that cannot be afforded or hiring a temp for 4 days which may be a lot more expensive than your OH and not have the insider knowledge of the company.

I understand how important this is to you, it is your mum's birthday and other relatives are over, however you can go and see them any time you like as he says. Also why couldn't you go on your own last year?

Could you go down there and he join you for the end of the week or he come with you and then come back for the 4 days he is needed?

Sounds like you will have to make your plans and stick to them with or without his company for future events. If he is deciding you are unimportant or ridiculous and your plans do not matter then you have bigger problems than wanting some time with him.

Perhaps he is also worried if he will be taking time off in a few weeks for the birth that he cannot take the time now as well?

nannyl Wed 13-Jul-11 22:11:23

I have made it crystal clear that once baby is here he WILL be having each and every one of his 28 days off grin. end of. because baby will want to see daddy too! That is not negotiable

plupervert i like your way of thinking smile

TBH i think i will be buying a planner thing right now for 2012, putting it up in their office myself, and writing all OHs holiday onto it.... so his brother doesnt just "forget", when he agrees other staffs holiday.

plupervert Wed 13-Jul-11 22:11:30

Sorry, I missed lots of other good posts, including your last one. It's already got to a bad point, so I really hope he sorts himself out before the baby comes, or you might end up in a situation of having had no sleep, being covered in sick, and crying to his face as he walks out the door to work because he "doesn't want to be even late."

Sorry I sound harsh, but he sounds unfeeling for having disappointed you again and again (and trying to make you feel ridiculous for your feelings is very mean, too), and I am worried about how much support he will give when a baby is here.

I'm not speaking out of bias and personal bitterness, by the way: my DH has actually taken the day off to help me with DS at times, and I am a bit ashamed of how grateful I was for that, as though it was something I didn't deserve (though certainly needed!).

Roo83 Wed 13-Jul-11 22:12:41

I'd go by train, maybe OH will offer to upgrade you to first so you can have coffee and biscuits, and a nice relaxing trip. My OH has his own business and is always changing plans last minute (a customer calls, he has to go to the office etc). It is annoying but if I didn't carry on and do what I wanted I'd spend an awful lot of time sat at home alone. I completely sympathise with you though, very unfair

Xales Wed 13-Jul-11 22:13:31

x-post with your last one about NCT. Would missing one be a huge issue?

ledkr Wed 13-Jul-11 22:13:44

I feel for you too,its one of those situations where nobody is in the wrong really,it happens to me all the time dh is police and has just been told he cant have the 4 days off between his 2 weeks off in august which means we cant go away untill after for only one week,im upset and angry but i know its not his fault. I think you will be fine get public transport and have a nice rest reading your book on the way.

plupervert Wed 13-Jul-11 22:14:46

Yes, you see the business is crap, because the HR/holiday function is split, and managers are undermining one another!

They are dooooomed unless they sort out their holiday procedures, and ensure that holidays are taken, to keep up morale, I tell you! grin

nannyl Wed 13-Jul-11 22:16:42

Xales, because it was booked a while ago, his brother just forgot I think.

I think a genuine error, probably because it was a while ago that it was last mentioned, and yes others were trying to get their holiday before OH ended up on paternity leave....

Last year i made him come with me.... he had had hardly any time off since the previouse Xmas, and as it was didnt get 28 days off last year, so i sort of made him have some holiday..... and he did

buttonmoon78 Wed 13-Jul-11 22:17:23

I'd fly and then rent a car.

I do understand your POV. I'd be livid too but I can also see that sometimes situations like this arise.

For eg we were trying to conceive #4 when DH lost his job. We stopped trying but it was too late. He went into partnership with an ex colleague and they are now doing well. I'm being induced on Friday. I have crippling spd and DH is coming home on Thursday night so he can be there on Friday (contract is 3+ hrs away). He has been away Mon-Fri/Sat since Easter.

The initial plan was to have 2 weeks off or near as damn it. Unfortunately (or fortunately depending on your POV) they've been asked to do some more work so he's going back to London on Wednesday next week. And that'll be his paternity leave done.

Do I wish things were different? Yes. Is it in my power or his to change it? Yes. Would doing so adversely affect future business and therefore our family? Yes. Do I ask him to change it? Hell, no.

I fully expect that DH will not take his stat min of holidays for the next few years but that comes with the territory IMO.

There is no point getting upset with my DH. He's busting a gut to do his best for us after 4 months out of work. I have not said a word - he knows I'd like more help but also knows that I understand how it is.

I hope your DP realises that you are upset and that he will try to ensure, where it is in his power, that other situations like this don't arise.

HalfTermHero Wed 13-Jul-11 22:19:01

YANBU and tbh you sound like an absolutely lovely person. That is not often said of a OP on AIBU so that should tell you something about how reasonable and nice you are! You should go anyway. I hope you have a lovely time. Plus, a new baby soon! Very exciting, good luck and I hope that the birth goes well xx

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