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I've finally put my foot down and refused to be bullied

(34 Posts)
Emitobes Wed 13-Jul-11 16:51:09

Hi everyone,

Where do I go from here? My ex has become increasing difficult and I want to know if I am being unreasonable?

The background: We have two children together and have been separated for 6 years and have somehow managed to stay relatively reasonable hmm with regards to issues involving the kids. I moved with the children a year after we split, agreed to his request of parental resonsibility and now live 100 miles away with him seeing the kids every other weekend.

To start we would meet at a half way point on a Friday and then again on the Sunday evening for drop off and collection and I would on several occasions drive all the way up and back as I would make visits to friends and family in my home town so I was always conscious and to be honest a bit guily of him having to drive a way to get the kids as it was my decision to move.

However, the 'every other weekends' have gradually, over the years reduced to a Saturday morning to a Sunday early afternoon (his choice) due to 'Work commitments' which I have never moaned about. I have always been flexible regarding his holidays and decisions not to have the kids e.g his birthday, not being able to afford to have them, moving house, special occaions etc and I have always been prepared to swap weekends so he doesnt miss time. He has refuses to have them for a few days during the holidays as he 'can't take that much time off work'.

Over the last couple of years (since I have entered into a new relationship) though things have taken a turn for the worse. I understand it must be hard for any man to accept another man seeing his kids more than he does but he really has taken it to a new level. We originally made a private arrangement for the child maintenance that I received ever week like clock work but in the last year or so it has been a case of "you'll have it when I give it to you"!!! He would lie when asked and tell me it was put into my account for me then to check and find it hadn't, when the money does go in it is never the agreed amount and when questioned all I get is abuse, swear words and even threats to come down and punch me out!! angry On several occasions I have had to borrow money from my mum just to put petrol in my car so I can meet him to drop off the kids and I still dont get the money.

Since April this year he has gone much longer with the late payments. Money is so tight for me these days I have to rely on the maintenance (unfortunatley) and with the huge increase in fuel and the current ecomonic climate I simply can not afford to do such big trips in meeting him with the kids but I have carried on and kept my mouth shut for an easy life. If I ever question him all I get is abuse, shouting, nasty horrid insults and so on.

It all came to a head last month when I text him giving him the amount due (as he hadn't paid in 3 weeks)... I then got a phone call again telling me to mind my own f***ing business, stop hasselling him for f***ing money, I'd get it when he decides to give it to me and for me and my f***king boyfriend to f**k off. I simply replied in a calm manner (which he hates) that if I havent got the maintenance money by that Friday then he would have to come and collect the children because I couldn't afford to put petrol in my car (it's about a 90 mile round trip). He told me to.... yeap you guessed it... f**k off and that I wasnt getting a penny of his money and that the CSA could go f**k themselves too.

Since then I have not received any maintenance, the CSA have tried contacting his employer only to be told that no-one of that name is employed there and he's not registered self employed. He hasn't returned all the necessary forms to them and when they call his mobile, he doesnt pick up. He is now refusing to co-operate with them, refusing to give me any money and now informs me that he is consulting a solicitor. He is coming to pick them up from my house this weekend as I have refused to drive to meet him. I have and never would stop him from seeing his children, I am simply saying that he will have to come and pick them up and drop them off. I work part time term time and earn £6,000 a year, claim tax credits etc and he earns over £30,000 a year.

So am I being unreasonable in expecting the child maintenance to be received on the agreed day every week at the agreed amount? Am I being unreasonable in expecting him to come and collect the children? Don't hold back, I will be the first to admit I'm wrong but this time I am determind not to be pushed around and BULLIED by him.

Groovee Wed 13-Jul-11 16:55:12

My friend has rarely received a payment from her ex and in April contacted the CSA about it and has left it in their hands. The non resident parent may have issues with the resident parent but they should never take it out on the children and if you can't afford to fill the petrol tank to take the children to the half way point then he should come and collect them and stop being an arse.

whackamole Wed 13-Jul-11 16:57:28

You really could have summed up your entire post in your last paragraph! And of course you are not being unreasonable!

skybluepearl Wed 13-Jul-11 16:58:47

have no advice sorry. if you don't have the money to transport the kids than he will just have to collect them.

SoftKittyWarmKitty Wed 13-Jul-11 17:04:41

Write a letter to your MP telling them what you've put here and say you want the case escalating. They will then contact the CSA on your behalf and it should be dealt with quicker.

bubblesincoffee Wed 13-Jul-11 17:05:01

You are already doing the right thing so I have no advice. You did move, so you were doing the right thing by taking the dc to see him. I think you should do that, but then he should be paying your money. Bottom line is, if you can't afford to do it, you can't afford to do it. Simple.

Tanif Wed 13-Jul-11 17:06:17

Normally I would never recommend stopping a father from seeing his children BUT... You don't get to see what you don't pay to raise. My Aunty took this approach when my cousins were young and after a month the maintenance returned like clockwork.

squeakytoy Wed 13-Jul-11 17:07:01

How old are the children?

MilyP Wed 13-Jul-11 17:13:31

YANBU and clearly he is being a massive arse by being so rude and abusive towards you. From what you say do you think there is a chance that he has lost his job and that is why the sudden change in attitude? I am in no way saying this justifies any of his behaviour at all and certainly not the way he has been speaking to you. But it might explain why he is angry about money issues. You said the CSA contacted his employer to be told no one by that name worked there.

Emitobes Wed 13-Jul-11 17:25:21

My daughter is 11 and my son is 8.

I know he hasn't lost his job because he is always using his work as an excuse not to have the children, he is a workaholic too! When we were together he worked for the same company but self employed, so the only conclusion I can make is that he is not declared he is self employed. Ahhhh he's driving me up the wall...sad

salempickles Wed 13-Jul-11 17:27:57

Hi, sorry but i agree with tanif, also worked on my boyfriends friend, he was the one refusing to pay though and we all told him what a nob he was for doing it to get at his ex. she stopped all contact only sent a simple text saying if you want to contact me do it through my solicitor and gave the name and address, could of been a false one for all he knew but it got him back on track.

Just a question though how do you actually know he will bring them home when hes supposed to, what would you do (if as i suspect and i hate to say it) it gets to coming home time and he texts you and says come get them yourself?? Just think you should be prepared for all avenues and have something in place to solve it, he sounds like a total jealous arse so may try that.

Id also print or keep all the abusive texts he has sent you, it would be good grounds for seeing a solicitor, does his work have a head office, if there only calling his actual office it could be a friend answering saying hes not there, if itwent to head office i guess they would'nt know him from adam and would admit he worked there. good luck

Emitobes Wed 13-Jul-11 17:30:21

I would never ever stop the children from seeing him, there have been times where I have really wanted to due to the nasty way he treated me but my philosophy is that the children will make their own mind up about him in time, I hope for their sake he changes his way but I'm not holding out much hope. I'm just really lucky that my new partner is the best step dad anyone could ask for smile

TheOriginalFAB Wed 13-Jul-11 17:31:03

Will he bring the children back?

Emitobes Wed 13-Jul-11 17:46:51

I have thought of him not bringing the kids back but because they are older they know they have to be at school and would really panic and stress about not being at home. He would have to take time off work anyway lol

HeyYouJimmy Wed 13-Jul-11 17:47:09

Make sure you mark the time, date he picks the kids up and take the registration number of the car he was driving at the time so that if the car is his and registered to him, the reg no can be traced to his address (give reg details of the car to the CSA).

Keep details of any texts coming from his phone (abusive or not), and note the details (time and date of what was said to you when you have the kids picked up (make sure you have a friend present when that happens) or a dictaphone on record at pick-up time if you're on your own.

HeyYouJimmy Wed 13-Jul-11 17:48:09

Hope you resolve this OP.

iamjustlurking Wed 13-Jul-11 18:01:10

My ex is the arse of all arses and hasn't paid maintenance for the 8 years we have been apart. I like you used to meet halfway (although it was his choice to move away) just purely for the childrens sake.

I did this for about a year and then said no more until I get maintenance. He now collects them from me if and when he can fit them in around his social lfe.

I personally believe the money and access are two seperate issues and have never and would never stop him seeing them. But I promise you they will see him for his true colours and make their own decisions when they are old enough.

So YANBU to stand up for yourself and refuse to be out of pocket for his descion.

Emitobes Wed 13-Jul-11 18:01:44

I'll make sure I'm not around if he does come. He's just rang me now, ranted down the phone that it is none of my business where he works or whether he's self employed or not (CSA just phoned him)!! Continued to tell me that I am interfering in his life and that if I continue to make his life hell he will stop seeing the kids... During this whole conversation I remained calm while he ranted and shouted. God when will this end, not sure now if he will pick them up on Saturday or not sad

cookcleanerchaufferetc Wed 13-Jul-11 19:35:16

Firstly, good, pleased for you that you will not be bullied by him. Good! No advice to offer but thought it important to say YANBU.

I would refuse to meet him to take kids down .... Let him come to you. Also, he should get 4 weeks holiday, unless self employed, so should be seeing the kids more in the school holidays.

Have you pretended to be someone else and called his work to see if he is there?

bubblesincoffee Wed 13-Jul-11 19:42:06

You are doing so well for staying calm during that!

If he says he doesn't want to see the dc, call his bluff and don't allow them to become his weapon against you.

He said that because he knows that they would probably be upset not to see him, and upsetting your dc is the only way he has left to touch your heart.

He probably doesn't mean it, and if he does then he's not worth having as a Dad.

piratecat Wed 13-Jul-11 19:42:37

i had the 'if you don't stop making my life hell i will stop seeing her'

and he did just that. then changed his mind after a year, but by that time it was too late and my dd didn't trust him anymore. She suffered, he suffered.

WHY do they think it's ok to threaten that. I fucking hate men like this, it disgusts me.

Orbinator Wed 13-Jul-11 20:56:02

Surely his solicitor will just confirm to him he needs to go via CSA? I never understand why men think that seeing a solicitor will actually stop the CSA or in some way punish the mother (and in turn the child). A "friend" of my ex seemed to think that him seeing a solicitor would mean he DIDN'T have to pay maintenance hmm but in reality, and especially if he wants contact, he will have to do this.

A friend of mine has recently been through Court to try to get her ex to actually turn up on the arranged weekends to see their DD. It took about 5 months of waiting but now the Court has arranged all of the weekends and informed him that his "Oh I can't do tomorrow now so I'll have her next weekend" texts/calls were unreasonable. Thankfully it seems to have made him realise that he was being a nuct.

If I were you I'd go via solicitors. It's pricey but for your peace of mind let them do all of the communicating. My friend was also getting nasty texts and he had come over more than once being threatening. She refused to contact him in any form other than via solicitors. Once the Court started getting papers together though he calmed down, obviously not wanting that part of his shining personality to be dredged up wink.

Emitobes Wed 13-Jul-11 21:19:41

He has always threatened me with the "I'll stop seeing them" line and has never followed through. He is an incredibly insecure man that always resorts to very childish arguments, he has never been able to admit that he is wrong and will go on the defensive when anyone pulls him up on something. He always plays the victim in every situation feeling that people are out to get him, and most of the time during our relationship I would avoid all confrontations with him to avoid being verbally attacked by him.

I am desperate that the kids grow up to be confident happy adults but with him acting the way he does it wouldn't be so bad if he didn't see them! I will never regret having my children but I really wish I'd made a better choice when it came to the father!

Emitobes Wed 13-Jul-11 21:29:39

I think I may well get advice from a solicitor. If I was a real b**ch I could report him to the Inland for not being registered as self-employed but I wouldn't waste my energy on the effort!

Emitobes, there's nothing meaningful I can add to this above what you've already received, but I wanted to say how impressed I am with your handling of this situation. He sounds a bit dire, tbh.
Staying calm in the face of such unpleasant behaviour is really admirable. You are being SUCH a good model for your children. They are lucky to have a mother with such a level head on her shoulders!

Very best of luck with it all.

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