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to not want to confront my husband?

(31 Posts)
LittlePudding1 Wed 13-Jul-11 09:44:26

I'll give you a bit of back story first. We've been together for around 11 years, 2 dc's, toddler and baby. DC2 is just coming up to a year old. DH is a good man, works hard, is great with the kids.

However, our sex life hasn't been great for about a year. We've probably only had sex a couple of times which is mainly my fault (just haven't felt like it, tired from getting up in the night and not really any sex drive). Although partly his fault too as he likes to stay up late and always initiates it when I've been asleep or first thing in the morning when the kids are about to wake up. I have known for a while our sex life has been a problem so its maybe my own fault that this has happened.

This morning I went through DH's texts (don't know why as have never done this before) and there were some quite explicit ones, leaving no doubt that he has been having sex with this woman.

Anyway, after DH had gone to work I called the number (141 in front), no answer and no v/m, not really sure what I was going to do if she answered.

I know I need to talk to DH about this and get it out in the open but I'm really scared as firstly I think he'll try and deny it and push the blame on me for reading his texts and secondly I really don't want our marriage to end.

Sorry this is so long, I don't really know what to do

AnneWiddecomesArse Wed 13-Jul-11 10:02:45

The lack of sex is not "your fault". You are simply over tired and over stretched.
If he was a good Dad, he would consider the potential impact on his childrens' family life that his infidelity is bound to cause. As a good partner, he would nurture your sex life by attempting to help you in practical terms or more flexible with routines.
No one wants their marriage to end, but not confronting this situation will not ensure its survival. His actions alone have jeopardised it.
Don't ring the OW. You need to speak to your husband. He's the one that made the commitment to you and your children; not her.

LittlePudding1 Wed 13-Jul-11 10:05:31

Thanks for your reply. You make perfect sense and you are right I definitely need to speak to him.

honeyandsalt Wed 13-Jul-11 10:17:19

Oh dear.

annwiddecombesarse is absolutely correct in her analysis, this is all down to him. Babies and toddlers just do knock your libido for six, it happens to almost everyone, and it's not a licence to cheat.

Stay strong x

Wecanfixit Wed 13-Jul-11 10:17:20

Hi sorry for your dilemia , but I agree you need to speak to hubby first hand not the OW, actions i am afraid speak louder than words, you are obviously hurt and confused by what you have found.PLEASE do not blame yourself for being a hardworking Mum, your doing a brilliant job, your hubby needs to come clean , hopefully it was a one off and will not wreck your marriage, but that will be upto
you whether you can move on from here, take care and all the best with it.

LDNmummy Wed 13-Jul-11 10:22:49

This isn't your fault. Its up to you how you want to handle this but don't put your happiness at risk and remember that you are not responsible. If he was unhappy and wanted to seek something elsewhere, he should have come to you first. He may be a good husband and father in some ways, but he has lied and brought a third party into your relationship which is unfair.

GiddyPickle Wed 13-Jul-11 10:25:55

I agree you have to speak to him. It's one of those situations where you probably wish you could go back 10 hours and not read the texts or not see the phone because you don’t want things to change or fall apart but now that you have seen them, everything has changed anyway. Even if you didn't confront him, it could never be the same as it was 10 hours ago, 10 days ago or 10 months ago because you know the truth and it will eat away at you.
Maybe it's not serious with this OW. Maybe you can forgive him and he will be distraught and put every effort into rebuilding your marriage. You just don’t know. But now that you are aware of the secret, you can't just ignore it and hope it goes away. I am very sorry though that you’ve found yourself in this horrible position and don’t you dare blame yourself. Many (most?) couples have an off year when the kids are young and sex takes a bit of a back seat but that doesn’t mean he had to go looking elsewhere.

DuelingFanjo Wed 13-Jul-11 10:27:32

everything AnneWiddecomesArse said is spot on.sorry to hear you have discovered this.

AnneWiddecomesArse Wed 13-Jul-11 10:34:14

You're tired OP because you are a mother to his children.
Keep that point in mind when you confront him (as you must).
And I would be angry, but you sound too bloody tired and down in your boots to do so.

pinkdelight Wed 13-Jul-11 10:35:39

So sorry this is happening. You must be in shock to be feeling so reasonable and taking the blame. Our sex life is exactly the same, also having baby and toddler. Dh should have come to you first to talk. But now you must talk to him. Hope he is honest and contrite and you're able to work it out together.

LittlePudding1 Wed 13-Jul-11 10:54:58

Thanks very much for all your replies. Am just having a little cry as I am now realising that it is not my fault and he really needs to realise that he is the one in the wrong! I just hope he doesn't deny it all, as I think him lying will just finish it off for me. We are supposed to be going on holiday with my parents next week, what a mess.

Am going to take the DC's out for lunch and a play now. Thanks again all, you have really helped me.

pinkdelight Wed 13-Jul-11 11:09:29

If it's any consolation, my friend's DH did something similar when their baby was born. He couldn't see it at the time, but it truly was a moment (well, a couple of months) of madness, and he can see that now and they are back together and happier than before. But she gave him hell for it, as should you (as constructively as humanly possible).

Enjoy your DCs. Hang in there. Stay strong.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Wed 13-Jul-11 14:18:48

Has your dh been AWOL or inexplicably late home? Does he have a job that provides time or opportunity for him to play away?

Is it possible that what you've seen is the equivalent of 'phone sex' rather than evidence of actual infidelity/adultery?

Bearing in mind your forthcoming holiday with your parents, are you a passable actress and do you have the cunning self-restraint to say nothing at the present time?

If you confront your dh now, regardless of whether he denies or confesses, the fall-out will cast a pall over your holiday. In addition, your parents will inevitably pick up on any tension between the two of you and, trust me, the last thing you need is for others no matter how caring or well-meaning to get involved at this stage.

If you can visualise placing what you read on your dh's phone into a box, closing the lid, and putting a sticker on it saying 'to be opened at a later date', you may be able to proceed with your holiday as if nothing has happened and with the knowledge that, if there is an OW, he is not with her.

With your parents around to lend a hand, you may be able to find time to perhaps slope off for dinner/drinks with your dh, rekindle the intimacy and subtly remind him of all that he has with you and his dc, and what he's been missing.

If he has been having an affair of some kind, the sight of you guilelessly delighting in his company, giving him adoring glances, bigging him up in front your parents even though you feel like stringing the bastard up will guilt-trip him big time although, being male, he's unlikely to show it.

Of course you should keep an eye out to see if your dh appears to be fixated by his mobile or continually finds excuses to 'pop out' on his own, but always remember that holding your tongue is not a sign of weakness and that honey attracts more flies than vinegar.

I know wise women who've pulled this off - their ohs have no idea that they were hauled back from the brink by clever and determined wives who weren't going to give OW the satisfaction of causing marital disharmony and walking off with their dhs.

One of these amazing women saw off the opposition by enslaving her dh all over again, then told him exactly what she thought of him and filed for divorce - the ink is dry on the Absolute and he's still begging for a reconciliation.

Unknown to him, she adores him and remarriage is on the cards once she's convinced that he'll cut his dick off rather than do the dirty on her again.

You say 'I really don't want our marriage to end'. I say 'there's no reason why it should'.

GiddyPickle Wed 13-Jul-11 15:20:50

izzy - that sounds very clever but most people aren't as controlled as all that. A whole week's holiday of biting your tongue and freaking out when you spy him sneaking out of the bar talking on his phone would be very hard to stomach. And who knows - maybe a week away from OW won't convince a man to be more devoted to his wife. Maybe OW will use it as an opportunity to make him pine for her, make him jealous or to show him that he can't split his life like this and must choose.

Its great if you can carry it off but I think fighting one deceit with another is just a bit soul destroying really.

razzlebathbone Wed 13-Jul-11 15:25:16

My youngest DC is two next month and I have had absolutely zero interest in sex since he was born. It's so difficult to fake. Both my children are awful sleepers and I'm constantly exhausted, plus my bipolar medication is notoriously bad for the libido. The idea of forcing myself to have sex seems fundamentally wrong. It's an awful situation, which seems like a no win one.

I'm not sure what I'd do in your position. But I do really feel for you.

lollipoppet Wed 13-Jul-11 15:44:48

Just thought I would add a message of support and add that yes, it might just be 'text sex' which there is still no excuse for but is easier to get over? Talk to him and find out. You can't be blamed for this as you said he stays up late while you go to bed, that is not really him making any effort, especially since he wants it more than you! Good luck

honeyandsalt Wed 13-Jul-11 15:54:39

Still shock at Izzy's post....

I just couldn't do it, personally.

girlywhirly Wed 13-Jul-11 16:01:26

LittleP, have you considered that you might be depressed? I'm not saying that this is your fault, just that tiredness and lack of libido can be symptoms. Is it worth seeing a DR before you go on hols? It could be hormonal, I remember feeling pretty crap when my DS was 21m, and when I went back on the pill I felt much better.

Likw Izzy, I wondered whether the texts are a game between DH and someone he works with. It seems to be popular with teens, especially when accompanied by half nude photos. They get off on the sexual tension, knowing looks when they pass in the workplace and so on.

I'm not sure you can pull off Izzy's plan, but the holiday should provide lots of opportunities to change your routine. Get the grandparents to babysit while you get a nap, or have a quiet drink/dinner and an opportunity for uninterrupted chat with DH. Get dh doing more with, and for his DC. This includes getting up in the night to them. Insist on early nights if you've had no daytime sleep. Sneak back to your room for a quickie in the afternoon while the DC are with their grandparents.

I think it would be helpful if you can be honest that you are unhappy with the way things are and you know he is too, (watch for flickers of discomfort in his face as he tries to work out what you're going to say next) and say how you would like things to change. Going to bed late and waking you up for sex isn't on. Why can't he go to bed early some nights and catch up with any TV on iplayer another time for example, if that's why he stays up? He needs to do his share of getting up to the DC in the night. He needs to help you with the household jobs, and care for the DC while you rest sometimes. He needs to think of more unusual times of day for sex, why not early evening after the DC have gone to bed? Or at the weekend while they are having an afternoon nap for example? Why when they are just waking in the morning? Seriously bad timing.

You might want to consider DH's sexual technique. Is foreplay effective, or long enough to be? Are you/ and have you ever been satisfied, and what was different from how you feel now apart from the fatigue? Would it help to try different things, if what used to turn you on doesn't anymore? Do you not feel attractive anymore and sex is just something DH needs? Don't answer online! Just think about it.

lachesis Wed 13-Jul-11 16:02:43

'I know wise women who've pulled this off - their ohs have no idea that they were hauled back from the brink by clever and determined wives who weren't going to give OW the satisfaction of causing marital disharmony and walking off with their dhs.

One of these amazing women saw off the opposition by enslaving her dh all over again, then told him exactly what she thought of him and filed for divorce - the ink is dry on the Absolute and he's still begging for a reconciliation.

Unknown to him, she adores him and remarriage is on the cards once she's convinced that he'll cut his dick off rather than do the dirty on her again. '

How wise is it, really, to regard another adult, one who promised to love, honour and cherish you, as a possession to be won or 'enslaved' or 'hauled back' like a stupid, naughty dog? And marriage and infidelity as games?

If a person wants to walk off with someone else after making a promise of marriage, are they really worth playing games over? Where is the self-respect in that, chasing after someone who doesn't want to be with you and who is a liar and a cheat into the bargain? Don't you think you are worth more than that and more mature than someone who plays adolescent games?

You confront him if and when you are ready, OP. Make a plan about it all, rehearse what you'll say, think about the fallout, etc.

Allinabinbag Wed 13-Jul-11 16:07:25

I would ditch the holiday and have it out with him myself, I wouldn't last til the end of the day without confrontation, let alone a week of pretending we are all a happy family. Izzy's plan wouldn't be for me, but people are different, you know what you can tolerate.

sparkle12mar08 Wed 13-Jul-11 16:15:09

"With your parents around to lend a hand, you may be able to find time to perhaps slope off for dinner/drinks with your dh, rekindle the intimacy and subtly remind him of all that he has with you and his dc, and what he's been missing."

Why would she want to rekindle the intimacy when he's been sticking his dick in somebody else?!!!

OP, you must do what you need to do to cope. Personally I don't think it's unresonable to not want to have to have a huge confrontation - nobody enjoys it, I don't think - but it would be very unwise indeed to run away from what's been happening.

iklboo Wed 13-Jul-11 16:17:19

Izzy's plan wouldn't be for me either. If I was playing lovey dovey & adoring glances at ex-p he would have been more likely to think 'stupid cow has no idea I'm playing away. I am King fucking Cool' than 'oh, no! What am I thinking of' (not saying this is what OP's DH/DP will think, just speaking from experience).

Malificence Wed 13-Jul-11 16:21:18

Izzy are you for real? shock

That's one of the grimmest things I've ever read on MN, her husband has betrayed her in the vilest way possible and you are advising her to win him back with her "feminine wiles"?

These threads belong in relationships, where people give proper advice, not in the insane world of AIBU.

Jesus.

klapaucius Wed 13-Jul-11 16:57:54

Izzy it was interesting to read your post but I'd have personally cut his balls off and fed them to him by now. Joking of course...

lazarusb Wed 13-Jul-11 17:02:36

The onus should be very obviously on him to rebuild your relationship OP, not you. You know now and you can't brush it under the carpet and rediscover it at a convenient moment. Talk to him, get your head around what you want. If you cancel your holiday, so be it. Your sanity and security is more important at the moment.

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