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To speak up to friend instead of keeping quiet...

(29 Posts)
salempickles Tue 12-Jul-11 22:54:44

My friend had her daughters christening at the weekend, i and a few other helped get the room ready for the reception hall she hired, we did a lot of the food too, her mum made a few cakes, butties etc but we did the rest and helped serve it all. The dj was free and she had a face painter who only charged £40 for the day, she spent hardly any money 9apart from the £200 for her own outfit).

She knows im struggling at the moment after just buying a house same as a few other friends, i wasn't planning on buying the little girl a present, but kind of got dragged into it when she asked me what i was going to buy her daughter, i said nothing and that i was already helping with the cost of the food, i could tell she was a bit taken aback but stood my ground anyway.

another friend asked on facebook what she should get as she couldnt think of anything, she said well if you cant think of anything just give her the money.

Fast forward last night when she text me to say they had "made" nearly £500, i said wow well done you should put it in an account for her when shes older, she didnt text me back but has just announced that her and her partner are now off to creamfields tickets which cost around £100 each.

I dont have any kids so dont know if this is the normal thing to do with your childs money but i find it sooo cheeky that she asked for money then uses it herself. im so glad i didnt give her any money as id be feeling a lot more peed off right now. what do you think

Firawla Tue 12-Jul-11 22:58:30

are you sure its the christening money they are using for their tickets? she does sound rude though, asking what are you buying her dd!!

worraliberty Tue 12-Jul-11 23:00:54

She sounds like a cheeky bitch...but how do you know it was the baby's money that paid for the tickets?

thisisyesterday Tue 12-Jul-11 23:03:13

hmm yes, bit of a coincidence that they "made" £500 and then suddenly forked out £200 for tickets doesn't it

I'd find it hard not to say something myself, although there is probably no point

bushymcbush Tue 12-Jul-11 23:03:29

No it's not normal to spend your child's money.

My dd has loads of money in savings. We are heavily in debt. Wouldn't dream of touching her stash.

Yanbu.

AuntiePickleBottom Tue 12-Jul-11 23:04:26

i borrow money off my children, but alway pay them back.

dd had over £100 for her birthday..i borrowed money for a take away... fast forward 2 weeks she had a new toy.

worraliberty Tue 12-Jul-11 23:05:26

What was it Auntie...a pizza box? grin

JarethTheGoblinKing Tue 12-Jul-11 23:06:22

I'm guessing it cost to hire the hall?

Tbh its irrelevant what your financial situation is wrt your friend, and who cares if she spent the money on creamfields tickets?

AuntiePickleBottom Tue 12-Jul-11 23:07:08

smile a water and sand table thing...they normally have intrest too and i will put extra toward what ever they get

I don't think it's right for a parent to spend money given as a gift to a child if they do not pay it back.

I appreciate there may be times when you have to borrow from a money box but if so it should be a short term emergency solution and swiftly paid back in full.

If you are 100% sure that she has spent this money on the tickets then I don't blame you for feeling annoyed at her but since you didn't give any of it to her child I wouldn't confront her. You won't be the only one putting 2 and 2 together and perhaps someone who did give her child some money will speak up.

I think you were wise to make your contribution one that she couldn't spend on herself though and I would suggest not giving her child money in the future, stick to actual bought gifts or vouchers for toy shops etc to be on the safe side.

queenmaeve Wed 13-Jul-11 00:29:40

I'm just shock that she actually asked what you were buying her daughter

Monty27 Wed 13-Jul-11 01:18:32

Who says they spent the child's christening money? confused

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Wed 13-Jul-11 02:20:01

You spoke up when your friend tried to shame you into buying a christening gift. End of.

There's absolutely no need for you to say any more about any aspect of the event including what has been done with any gifts of money.

Bast Wed 13-Jul-11 02:34:02

Say nothing. Everyone else will soon be aware and those that gave money might choose to pull her up.

Numberfour Wed 13-Jul-11 06:56:59

blush I have forgotten how much I owe DS..... best I cough up. Apologies for hi-jack.

OP: it is none of your business what said friend spends her / her child's money on as much as it riles you.

fastweb Wed 13-Jul-11 07:19:40

This is a detail.

How about plugging it into your "bigger picture" of your friend and then standing back and see if it is one that appeals to you, or you have just been staring at it regularly out of habit.

If you don't like the picture you see, maybe ask yourself why you continue to have a friendship with somebody that fundamentally you don't like that much.

If you do like the picture in general, then perhaps it would be better to let it go and give her the benefit of the doubt.

Is it possible that you want to raise the issue because you are looking for an exit strategy and you know bringing it up will start a potentially "fatal to the friendship" row ? If you think that might be true would it not be better for YOU, to just withdraw with no deliberately sought crisis and drama to upset your daily life.

When these sorts of "bad taste in my mouth" moments happen I personally think the most obvious place to start from is "Do I actually like this friend of mine?" and take it from there.

(Feel free to ignore me because I think a combo of being a forces baby and then a wandering immigrant may have left me with with a more "detachable" attitude towards friends that doesn't work for people with a more "normal" view of that kind of relationship.)

TheRealTillyMinto Wed 13-Jul-11 07:43:50

she asked you what you were getting her daughter (when you had been really helpful), spent very little money on the event except on her own outfit, taked about how much she had made.
i think you need to get this relationship back to friendship and not just about what you can give her in time and money. stop giving her things and she how she responds. then you can work out if she really is a friend or if you are just someone useful to her.

ZonkedOut Wed 13-Jul-11 07:48:43

I am just amazed at someone making £500 from a Christening, regardless of what they do with bit!

ImperialBlether Wed 13-Jul-11 08:05:23

<looks around for someone to christen>

Hufflepuzzpig Wed 13-Jul-11 08:07:44

YANBU to be annoyed but I don't think you can really say/do anything as you didn't give her any money. I'm shocked at the way she asked what you were getting the baby!

Reminds me of the thread last year about an atheist couple who had a christening for their baby and then complained when the OP gave the baby a book of bible stories hmm

FWIW I do actually sometimes spend my DCs' money - on things for them. Recently I got them shedloads of duplo with their birthday money (my nan always says "spend it however you think best") as they've outgrown the megabloks. It's only because they are little though, DD will be 4.6 this Xmas and she will be spending any given money herself (probably £10 from my nan) as that seems like a good age to start. She's only just started the phase of wanting specific toys.

salempickles Wed 13-Jul-11 08:17:06

Hi and thanks for all your replies, ive woken up this morning with a "well its nothing to do with me, and thank god shes not my mum" attitude so i will keep quiet. I know they have spent the money on the tickets as the week before a few other friends had mentioned going and her and her partner had both said they couldnt afford it.

Seems weird all of a sudden that now they can, i just feel sorry for their daughter shes a lovely little girl and will one day need a bit of money in the future, my own mum and dad put all my birthday/xmas money into an account for me which i knew nothing about and when i turned 21 i got access to it and put it towards a deposit on a house which really helped me out at the time.

I offered to help out as i was struggling financially (like everyone else) so that was kind of my present and i didnt think she was cheeky asking but i told her she was a cheeky cow for asking in a jokey way and she was fine with it.

I do hope someone else adds it all up to and makes her think twice about spending her childrens money, fair enough if you use it to buy something for the child like toys/clothes etc, but to go off to a festival without your child using her money i just find it a bit out of order....

jumpingjackhash Wed 13-Jul-11 08:27:40

So you don't actually know for sure that she used the christening money for the tickets? In that case, I think it's wise to button it. She might have just used a strange turn of phrase when telling you about the sum given to her dd, but frankly it's none of your business what she does with that anyway.

On the point of her cheekiness in asking what you were getting her dd, good on you for pointing out your contribution to the christening - yanbu there at all!

jumpingjackhash Wed 13-Jul-11 08:28:54

Cross post! Although glad you see it's not your place to comment on the money! wink

Bearcrumble Wed 13-Jul-11 08:36:00

I think she sounds dreadful. Who the hell would choose to go to Creamfields?

salempickles Wed 13-Jul-11 08:51:05

I know..... You could not drag me there, i feel at 31 all i want to do for excitement is get into bed and curl up! But shes a few years younger than me and i guess having her daughter at an early age she had to give up the clubbing for a year or 2 to look after her, but now shes back with a bang, shes now 1 of the oldest people in the clubs though as she says there full of 18 year olds, so i just let her get on with it now and have a secret laugh at her for going out with kids 10 years younger than her!

shes going to end up as the oldest raver in town that everyone laughs at!

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