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What to do when you think you are going mad?

(23 Posts)
knittedbreast Tue 12-Jul-11 19:31:47

when you dont have the words to describe whats going on, you have no way to explain it. theres no evidence, he refuses to see it, ignores you walks away. I feel like im going to explode. its so frustrating, he sees nothing wrong.

actually ready the aspergis thread and much of the behiviour is similar.

my dp cannot communicate, he dousnt no how. he never smiles never gets excited about things, hardly speaks (all this means hes fine, its how you know hes happy)

he even tells me there is no point talking if theres nothing wrong. god i fucking hate him. its so stiffeling, you cant explain anything to him, he ust looks blank.

i told him if he didnt show so emotion id end up killing him (i wouldnt, he knows that) but its killing me, its like im alone. i may aswell be, theres no friendship no nothing. hes like a robot.

how can i get him to understand? everyone says he shows no emtion, never seems happy never seems angry just exists. he says he dousnt think about things unless he needs to, ie, the door is locked i need to find the keys.

its exhausting.

oohjarWhatsit Tue 12-Jul-11 19:46:10

there are lots of different personalities in the world, doesnt mean to say they all need to have labels on them

AgentZigzag Tue 12-Jul-11 19:48:25

What was it that made you fall in love with him? (and I'm not being sarky)

cjbartlett Tue 12-Jul-11 19:51:09

How do you fall in love with someone who never smiles or did he used to?

skybluepearl Tue 12-Jul-11 19:51:58

maybe look at the national autisitc society web site. they have a check list you can run through.

it sounds like hard going. have you considered attending councelling together?

knittedbreast Tue 12-Jul-11 19:52:53

i just thought he was quiet and shy and would open up. also never really fell in love with him sad

LesserOfTwoWeevils Tue 12-Jul-11 19:54:16

Sounds awful for you. Has he always been like this? Is he like this with everyone, or just with you? Does he have friends?

knittedbreast Tue 12-Jul-11 19:55:04

i have. he says no.

I just feel like i need someone to really see him and say your not craxy there is something seriously wrong.

its like wading through water, and hes never positive for the children, all the oy and fun is sucked out of everything. the atmosphere changes when hes around...etc

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Tue 12-Jul-11 19:57:35

Has he always been non-communicative and emotionless? If so, I have to question why you are in a relationship with him given that your needs are markedly different to his and he appears to be unable to fulfil them.

Regardless of whether he has Asperger's or another form of autism, it's unlikely that he's going to morph from robotic into tactile, chatty, or appreciative, any time soon.

I'm sorry to say that it could be that the keys you need are the ones to let you out.

knittedbreast Tue 12-Jul-11 19:57:56

yes, looking back but i thought it was just shyness.

he has no friends, the only mates he used to have were the ones he grew up next door to, more like friends through convenience.

he dousnt talk to people, says theres no need.

joric Tue 12-Jul-11 19:59:34

Just been on same thread and never knew that others had the same kind of relationship as me- it's always been a kind of secret grief... Getting so mad and frustrated just makes you feel like hell. I have felt angry for years and I'm starting to realise that the only way I can have peace of mind is to accept and let it be. I have found that despite feeling lonely, angry, frustrated and hating him for being the way he is at times, we can work things out on an emotional and practical level nowadays.

knittedbreast Tue 12-Jul-11 19:59:52

but it seems like such a shit reason to leave, he dousnt hurt me, noones unfaithful, i ust cant live with him. im very miserable and he gets really angry when i try and talk to him not just about us and but normal things.

today it was i cant talk to you im picking up paper, i cant talk im changing my shirt, etc etc etc

knittedbreast Tue 12-Jul-11 20:00:52

joric but should you have to? why isnt it him jumping to change to make you happy? you know?

ihatecbeebies Tue 12-Jul-11 20:01:08

If you don't love him why did you marry him? You said yourself you hate him, why continue the relationship? Surely not for the kids as you said it isn't a nice atmosphere for them when he's there? I'm not trying to be mean sorry but I can't understand why you're with him?

knittedbreast Tue 12-Jul-11 20:03:44

we are not married. I guess we planned doing our things around having two people in our relationship. he can work on overtime and building his career cos i agreed to put mine on hold. when the kids the are school age then its my turn and if i leave itl be me that loses out.

I have no family who are happy to help support me if i went it alone. id have to give up my job, no chance of following y dreams educationally.

i can really see why when a family brakes up everyones fucked.

Conflugenglugen Tue 12-Jul-11 20:05:30

kb - If you could put yourself, and what you need, first -- and you could do this knowing that he would be okay and that he'd find another life after you -- what would you do?

joric Tue 12-Jul-11 20:05:50

I do things alone, with friends and family or just with DD - that's how I stop myself going mad and getting sucked into the gloom!!! DH gets involved in certain things but I arrange trips, days out etc as if he isn't coming- I then ask him if he wants to- he either comes or doesn't but thing go ahead with or without him!

joric Tue 12-Jul-11 20:08:23

Conflug- I want to answer that... In that situation I would leave with DD.
But I never will!

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Tue 12-Jul-11 20:09:46

You don't need anyone to 'see him'. You have the evidence of your own eyes and, from your various posts and responses on these boards, you're clearly not crazy.

If he acts like a repressive kill-joy Victorian father around your dc it's time to take stock and consider what effect his behaviour and your obvious discontent is having on them.

Do you want to try and make this non-relationship work, or are you looking for the exit? In any event, tell him that counselling is a dealbreaker and if he won't attend it's best for you both to cut your losses and separate.

ihatecbeebies Tue 12-Jul-11 20:09:48

I have no family either, I split up with exdp, juggled a job with going back to uni when ds was just over 1. I worked really hard on my own with DS and no help whatsoever, now I have my degree, am going for my honours in september, i've met my dp and we are in a great fulfilling relationship where I wake up every morning and am happy. You can still work on your career despite being on your own - I did.

knittedbreast Tue 12-Jul-11 20:11:20

i dont know con, if i didnt have children id have left 5 years ago. hes never known his father, i know how much it bothers him(well actually im not so sure) so i cant do that to him, or them. so i suppose it me that loses out. i find myself happy when they days go faster, once less to go and all that.

joric, thats another thing i do everyhting. arrnage everything from bills to day trips and hes so reluctant its like ahving another child.

oh well off home now, yay sad

joric Tue 12-Jul-11 20:15:11

Knitted, DH is complex- he will never jump to make me happy!! I have honestly come to the conclusion that he hasn't a clue what he's meant to do. I don't know how I got here but I can honestly say that I thought he was shy and gauche when we got together at first... I am sure I'll not leave him but know that my life would be easier if I did. I am no use to you OP as I don't know why!

joric Tue 12-Jul-11 20:18:22

Knitted, although I can't offer solutions because I'm right there with you - I just want to say that I know how lonely you must feel.

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