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Who should pay?

(12 Posts)
klapaucius Tue 12-Jul-11 19:10:05

My boyfriend of 3 months has instigated us going on holiday to St Tropez this summer. He is not exactly "hard up" for cash - he pays almost 100k a year in rent for his London apartment. I haven't divulged my income with him but he would be foolish to think that it is in the same region as his. AIBU in that I expected him to be taking me away ie paying for the holiday or at least the flights? Bit of background - the first time he invited me on holiday to Zurich we were staying at his friend's house and he made it clear that I was expected to pay for the flights and also the taxi from the airport (even though he had a car there that he could and did drive). The second time we went away was fairly recently to his parent's house in Germany, again he made it clear that I was to purchase my own tickets. I did so and at the end of the holiday also bought his mother a 300 euro Hermes scarf and his father a bottle of Cristal to say thanks. I offer to pay for meals and he accepts immediately - and these are not cheap meals - the last time I went out with him and his brother he still spit the bills 3 ways which still came to about £50. It is not my choice to go to these restaurants; he chooses. I would say I pay for about half (or more) of the meals we have. The last time (again, he chose the restaurant) the bill came to about £50 and I paid even though I chose something on the menu that was £14 and he chose something that was £35. I offer to be polite, and he immediately accepts which I find to be quite rude, really. And now with the holiday coming, he has not only asked me to book the flights (telling me he will pay for his half in cash later), he has also informed me that the reason he cannot book is that he blocked his credit card due to online gambling. Oh, that's fine then. My previous partner paid for everything for me when it came to holidays and meals and would not let me pay even when I offered to. I would just like to know - AIBU? Have times changed and my boyfriend is a "new man" not wishing to offend or patronise me?

amistillsexy Tue 12-Jul-11 19:12:21

Have I got this right? He blocked his own card in order to stop himself from using it to gamble?

MummyTigger Tue 12-Jul-11 19:13:27

There has to be a point where "not saying no when you offer" turns into "taking advantage".

Sit him down and have words?

iMemoo Tue 12-Jul-11 19:14:23

You split things 50/50

amistillsexy Tue 12-Jul-11 19:24:33

OP, you have posted twice. The other thread has more replies. You need to get this deleted or put a link to the other thread.

QueenStromba Tue 12-Jul-11 19:25:29

Him being a bloke is no reason for him to pay for more than you. Since you keep offering to pay for dinners etc then he probably thinks that you would feel offended if he tried to pay for most things. Can you afford all of these holidays and expensive meals? If not then you should tell him so. My partner makes more money than me so he tends to pay for the more expensive meals out and I pay for the cheaper ones (it probably works out at about a 60-40 split). I'm quite proud and wouldn't normally feel comfortable not paying my way but I feel fine about this because he wants to go to nice restaurants sometimes and wouldn't be able to go as often if we had to stick to my budget all the time.

BeerTricksPotter Tue 12-Jul-11 19:25:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

buzzsore Tue 12-Jul-11 19:27:11

I think it's alarming that he has had to cancel his credit cards due to online gambling. Possible gambling addict? - at three months in, not worth the bother, I'd recommend the old dumperoo.

SpecialFriedRice Tue 12-Jul-11 19:30:59

Unless you are a 1950's housewife YABU to expect him to pay for you. Why should he? Just because he's male?

takethisonehereforastart Tue 12-Jul-11 20:28:21

Run a mile. Then run another one.

It's nice to pay your share, important even, but you are paying his share quite often too and does he ever treat you or offer to pay all the bill?

Worse, he's not even waiting for you to offer, he's telling you that you will have to pay for this and that for both of you. Or did you get the taxi alone while he drove his car?

At three months in you are finding him to be rude and he's telling you that he had to block his own bank card because he doesn't have the self control not to abuse it with online gambling.

This isn't just culture shock from having a more than generous boyfriend in the past, it's the loud clanging of alarm bells telling you that this is a bad situation that can only get worse.

Run before you end up like my SIL (20 grand in debt because of a boyfriend who disappeared as soon as the (mostly borrowed) money and easy credit ran out.

MirandaGoshawk Tue 12-Jul-11 20:33:34

Just an observation - some people, (some men, that is) think that if you offer to pay then you are offering to pay, ie not just being polite & don't really want to/can't afford to. So, don't offer!

WhereYouLeftIt Tue 12-Jul-11 21:30:12

I don't think the OP is expecting her boyfriend to pay because he is a bloke - I think she is expecting him to pay because he is the one controlling how much is going to have to be paid at all, by choosing the restaurant, destination etc. I'd deliberately not offer for a bit, and see his reaction.

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