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Who should pay?

(110 Posts)
klapaucius Tue 12-Jul-11 19:08:41

My boyfriend of 3 months has instigated us going on holiday to St Tropez this summer. He is not exactly "hard up" for cash - he pays almost 100k a year in rent for his London apartment. I haven't divulged my income with him but he would be foolish to think that it is in the same region as his. AIBU in that I expected him to be taking me away ie paying for the holiday or at least the flights? Bit of background - the first time he invited me on holiday to Zurich we were staying at his friend's house and he made it clear that I was expected to pay for the flights and also the taxi from the airport (even though he had a car there that he could and did drive). The second time we went away was fairly recently to his parent's house in Germany, again he made it clear that I was to purchase my own tickets. I did so and at the end of the holiday also bought his mother a 300 euro Hermes scarf and his father a bottle of Cristal to say thanks. I offer to pay for meals and he accepts immediately - and these are not cheap meals - the last time I went out with him and his brother he still spit the bills 3 ways which still came to about £50. It is not my choice to go to these restaurants; he chooses. I would say I pay for about half (or more) of the meals we have. The last time (again, he chose the restaurant) the bill came to about £50 and I paid even though I chose something on the menu that was £14 and he chose something that was £35. I offer to be polite, and he immediately accepts which I find to be quite rude, really. And now with the holiday coming, he has not only asked me to book the flights (telling me he will pay for his half in cash later), he has also informed me that the reason he cannot book is that he blocked his credit card due to online gambling. Oh, that's fine then. My previous partner paid for everything for me when it came to holidays and meals and would not let me pay even when I offered to. I would just like to know - AIBU? Have times changed and my boyfriend is a "new man" not wishing to offend or patronise me?

thisisyesterday Tue 12-Jul-11 19:11:26

yes yabu to expect him to just pay for you.

if you can't afford it then say no.

catgirl1976 Tue 12-Jul-11 19:12:01

YABU. If you agree to go on the holiday / out for the meal then you should pay your share or for yourself. If you cannot afford it, you need to sit him down and say you have a different income level and your holidays, meals out etc need tobe re-aligned to what YOU can afford.

If he then wants to take you out somewhere for a treat then fine. But in terms of the "lifestyle" you have together he needs to know where your level is. If he earns a high salary it may not entered his head that these are expensive to you when they are normal to him.

backpassage Tue 12-Jul-11 19:12:34

YABU. I have always expected to pay for my own tickets, half hotel bills and half meals when with boyfriends. Never thought anyone did differently, even in the early days of a relationship.
I would be most concerned about the gambling thing though. You may find you end up paying for everything.

catgirl1976 Tue 12-Jul-11 19:13:03

Oh and yes - it was U for you to allow your last partner to pay for everything.

squeakytoy Tue 12-Jul-11 19:14:19

Why should you get it paid for.. it is a fairly new relationship, not a marriage.

Simply tell him you cant go, because you cant afford it.

I would say there are quite a few alarm bells in your post. It doesnt sound like a great basis for a relationship, especially if you cant even tell him how much you earn.

Groovee Tue 12-Jul-11 19:14:22

YABU never expect that a new partner will just fork out for things, but can he actually afford this life style?

VinegarTits Tue 12-Jul-11 19:15:09

not sure why you think he should be paying for you? youre an adult, you earn your own wage, you pay your own way, doesnt matter how much he earns

however, sounds like he has a problem with the gambling, dump him and find yourself another meal ticket with cheaper parents (cristal? righto hmm)

bubblesincoffee Tue 12-Jul-11 19:15:27

I would be put off a man like this, even though logically I think it's fair that you pay your own way. I can't stand stinginess.

My dh is generous to a fault though, which is why he is now in debt that he shouldn't really have, so it's not perfect the other way either.

However the only plus point I can see with a man that is 'careful' with money is that you would think they would at least be able to offer financial stability. If yours has an online gambling habit, he can't even give you that in the long term.

Seriously, this would ring alarm bells for me. He sounds like he wants to live the high life and will do what it takes to get these luxuries that he probably can't afford really. The fact that he rents an expensive property means nothing.

moodymary Tue 12-Jul-11 19:21:41

With a boyfriend, I would always expect to go 50/50 and not expect anything to be paid for me.
Even if one of you earns more than the other, the higher earner should not be expected to pay more than their share unless they want to/choose to/offer to.
Sqeakytoy beat me to it, but my immediate response when reading your post was that the relationship - at only three months in - should be more fun, less hassle!

HerHissyness Tue 12-Jul-11 19:21:59

He earns between £200-£300k a year and he has a blocked credit card?

I (now) earn a fraction of that and I have got maybe about £30k+ of available credit.

he is either bullshitting you about the flat rental, and he really doesn't have that much money, or he is a totally seriously out of control gambler.

If he is neither of these, then he is just plain MEAN, which is in itself a red flag. gambling is another red flag.

3m and you have been on 3 trips with him? meeting parents, BILs etc? is this relationship moving very quickly? RED FLAG

Of course you should be prepared to pay halves for dinner etc, but at that level surely there has to be an element of leeway. I get the feeling that there is more to it than this. I think he's deep in debt and/or a chancer.

I'd tell him you can't pay for the tickets and you'll wait till he gives you the cash.

Do you have a decent amount of money? would there be a possibility of him grooming you to take your savings?

TBH, I'd be reconsidering the relationship.

MrsTerryPratchett Tue 12-Jul-11 19:22:27

YABU to ignore the alarm bells. Compulsive gambling? Who cares who pays for holidays!

TheMagnificentBathykolpian Tue 12-Jul-11 19:22:54

Pay your own way in life. It's easier and there is more pride in it. Never expect a boyfriend to finance you.

RoseC Tue 12-Jul-11 19:23:26

YABslightlyU - I say this with a DP who is German and earns vastly more than me.

If he invited you on holiday then he should have paid for the flights (DP has done this for our first holiday - to Zurich) and should have picked you up from the airport. OTOH we are visiting his family in two weeks and of course I am paying for my own flights and splitting the hotel bill when we stay in other places - the compromise is that I choose the flights and hotel so I have set the budget.

As for the food, he IBU if he knows that you would not have chosen the restaurant and have deliberately chosen cheaper meals. We split meals in restaurants I would choose (and really, I only choose cheap because that's all I can afford) and if he insists on somewhere I would never go for price reasons then he will always pay. Your DP is being a bit of a cad in that respect.

TheOriginalFAB Tue 12-Jul-11 19:25:15

He has invited you so should pay but it could all be a test to see if you are just with him for his money.

When DH and I were first together he paid for lunch and the cinema and I paid for dinner. I earned more than him but he wanted to pay for most things as he is a gentleman.

saggarmakersbottomknocker Tue 12-Jul-11 19:26:15

You should pay for yourself but I'm unconvinced about his solvency TBH. I think enjoys a lifestyle he can't afford and you should be wary.

zukiecat Tue 12-Jul-11 19:27:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

buzzsore Tue 12-Jul-11 19:28:21

I think it's alarming that he has had to cancel his credit cards due to online gambling. Possible gambling addict? - at three months in, not worth the bother, I'd recommend the old dumperoo.

ENormaSnob Tue 12-Jul-11 19:28:51


why would expect a bf to pay your way?

HairyFrotter Tue 12-Jul-11 19:29:13

YABU in expecting him to pay for ST Tropez. He's never paid before so why assume he will start now?
It sounds like - from your OP - that you are paying more than your fair share in some areas. Stop offerring to pay for meals etc to be polite and just give your half from now on I think.

klapaucius Tue 12-Jul-11 19:29:17

OK, fair enough, thanks everyone. Just wanted to get a bit of perspective. I know it's fair but agree with you bubblesincoffee about stinginess - it's a pet hate of mine so maybe I'm being biased. Also got a bit too used to previous partner's generosity... but yes you're so right about the plus side.

VinegarTits I think if there was no gambling involved, I wouldn't be so pissed off. It makes me think hang on a minute, you would rather waste money on stupid football bets (that he always loses). I know that might still be U, but that's the way I feel about that issue.

squeakytoy I would say that the new relationship would mean the opposite! IE, we're still in the "wooing" stage.

catgirl1976 and thisisyesterday good point, didn't think of doing that. I will from now on!

QueenStromba Tue 12-Jul-11 19:30:06

I posted this on the duplicate thread but thought I should post again in here since there are more replies.

Him being a bloke is no reason for him to pay for more than you. Since you keep offering to pay for dinners etc then he probably thinks that you would feel offended if he tried to pay for most things. Can you afford all of these holidays and expensive meals? If not then you should tell him so. My partner makes more money than me so he tends to pay for the more expensive meals out and I pay for the cheaper ones (it probably works out at about a 60-40 split). I'm quite proud and wouldn't normally feel comfortable not paying my way but I feel fine about this because he wants to go to nice restaurants sometimes and wouldn't be able to go as often if we had to stick to my budget all the time.

cjbartlett Tue 12-Jul-11 19:30:43

He sounds a tight arse with a gambling problem
Often those very loaded are loaded because they're strict with there money , Scrooge esque if you will
I'd get rid

unfitmother Tue 12-Jul-11 19:31:32

YABU but he does sound tight and with the mention of gambling debts I'd run a mile.

catsareevil Tue 12-Jul-11 19:31:49

I think that you are both being unreasonable. You seem to think that he should pay your way, and he sounds like he is exaggerating how much money he has.

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