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To avoid partners son?

(100 Posts)
Anyoldthing Tue 12-Jul-11 18:49:45

I've been with my guy for 10 months and in that time his 8 year old son has urinated on ceramic decorations at a holiday cottage and climbed out of the windows and thrown stones at the window, encouraged my 5 year olds to cover up, decieve or copy all of the same. Climbed out of a caravan window. Stolen out of my pockets at same caravan. Climbed out of my 5 year old daughters bedroom window and asked them to lie to me.
Following this I sat him down and made him confess what he'd done as my partner wouldn't beleive it (despite confirmation by both of my daughters, footprints on the windowledge, his history of climbing out of windows and his confession) and my partner said I forced him to admit to something he hadn't done. That drives me crazy!
He's also manipulated his father with comments around 'you don't love me' whenever I'm around overnight (especially on holidays), followed by 'I hate you', 'I want to go back to Mummy', 'if you loved me you would......' and pretended to be in serious pain, screamed his head off and cried for hours.
Shoved one of my daughters around. Shoved the other underwater despite knowing she's a none swimmer. Urinated in my garden and lied about it, despite being 10 feet away from a vacant loo then tried to make out my daughter lied.
Run off in woods which left his younger sister with me whilst his Dad went to find him.
Refused to do as he is told or more occasions than I can count.

He freely admits to anyone that his sons behaviour improved when he was taking on board my support and suggestions with his sons behaviour and he admits his son is a pain. He also admits that he often thinks its easier just to give in, because his son will kick, scream, break things and lash out like mad if he doesn't get what he wants. My partner would rather have a somewhat disobedient son that the demon who cant get his own way.

The kids live with their mum, she isn't exactly a good role model but I don't need to detail that here. My partner has them at weekends only and is often not looking forward to it.

My partner and I argue about his son more than anything and I've refused to be around him for the last 3/4 months. During a recent situation his son was banned from cubs and whilst discussing his sons behaviour I suggested that maybe he is being banned for good reason and pointed out that his Dad is very defensive at times and is perhaps overlooking the truth. As usual he went mental and stormed out. Our relationship is teetering on the brink of complete collapse and we're on the very last chance. We had an unexpected pregnancy which resulted in an awful miscarriage just 7 weeks ago and our relationship suffered terribly. He was concerned about what his son would think of the baby more than anything and was unhappy about the pregnancy.

I last saw my partner a week ago, he left in an absolute fury when I pointed out how hurt I was about him saying I bullied his son into confessing. He was also furious that I said maybe the cub leader has a point. Now he says he cannot imagine our relationship can recover from that.

I don't have solutions to our problem and I'm so emotionally overwrought it's hard for me to see through it all. I'd love for us to be a happy blended family but I feel his son comes between us, demonstrates bad behaviour to my kids and manipulates his Dad to our detriment. I love my partner dearly sad

CrapolaDeVille Tue 12-Jul-11 18:53:00

I think this relationship has run it's course. I think, whilst he sounds like loads of w/e Dads it's great that he puts his son first.

Beamur Tue 12-Jul-11 18:53:41

Maybe post this in step-parenting?

Alibabaandthe80nappies Tue 12-Jul-11 18:54:25

In answer to the question in your post title - YABU. Of course you cannot avoid your partner's son, they come as a pairing.

If you cannot welcome them both into your life, then you cannot have a relationship with this man.
If you have only been with his father for 10 months and you have banned his son for the last 4 then it sounds like you introduced yourselves to each other's children very early in the relationship?

worraliberty Tue 12-Jul-11 18:56:42

Poor boy sounds very disturbed sad

What plus points does he have?

LesserOfTwoWeevils Tue 12-Jul-11 18:57:38

If you can't even talk about it, then it doesn't sound fixable.
When did you get involved with each other's children? It sounds as though it may have been too soon. Perhaps he's jealous of you and is acting out. It certainly sounds as though he has problems and his father won't deal with them. Nevertheless, YABU, I'm afraid. DP and son come as a set, you can't buy them separately.

bubblesincoffee Tue 12-Jul-11 18:58:04

I didn't even finish reading your post.

If you aren't willing to put the effort in with this child who obviously seems to have issues, then you shouldn't be with his Dad.

Maybe you don't want to for the sake of your own dc which would be fair enough, but either way, the end result is the same. You shouldn't be with his Dad.

And you think your boyfriend is wrong for defending his own son against you? What's that about? shock shock

JamieAgain Tue 12-Jul-11 18:59:02

Sorry about your mc

I don't think that this relationship can continue. You have such negative feelings towards his son, who is being a pain, but is, after all, only 8. You talk about him as if he is much much older. Sounds like your DP can't take on board your comments about him, so he should be the one who you have an issue with.

You can't wish this boy away, so I think you need to separate

squeakytoy Tue 12-Jul-11 19:00:44

This kid is a child, and a very troubled one too who needs help by the sounds of it.

Was he a good dad when he was with his ex, or where his parenting skills part of the issue then?

Do you know his ex, or are you just going by the story your boyfriend has told you?

Ten months is really not long enough to be thrusting children together and expecting to get happy families with them all either.

LadyFlumpalot Tue 12-Jul-11 19:01:24

I agree with CrapolaDeVille (Brilliant name [grin[).

I think the relationship has run it's course, TBH, it sounds like your partner is not really interested in a relationship. By all means, remain friends if you want to, and in time, you both may decide to move things forward again.

With regards to his son, please don't be too harsh, I speak as someone who was introduced to various new potential step mothers/fathers at around 7/8 years old. My god, I was awful to them! I actually want to find them and apologise for my behaviour. I was simply lashing out against the change - I still harboured a hope that my parents would make up you see.

LadyFlumpalot Tue 12-Jul-11 19:01:41


CrapolaDeVille Tue 12-Jul-11 19:02:23

Thanks grin

JamieAgain Tue 12-Jul-11 19:02:46

This boy sounds really angry and unhappy, and he's being failed if he doesn't get support for that. He's 8

squeakytoy Tue 12-Jul-11 19:06:16

I notice you say there is a younger sister too, what is her behaviour like?

How long ago did the parents split up?

lunar1 Tue 12-Jul-11 19:07:25

Its a good dad that puts his son first. The poor boy doesn't sound like he is coping with the situation at all and maybe isn't ready to be in the middle of a new family.

Why don't you tell him you will take some time apart while he tries to sort the situation with his son. If he sees that he is still the most important thing in his dads life he may come around to your relationship and see you as less of a threat.

It sounds like you need time apart anyway after your MC. your partner is right that a new baby would have been difficult for his son, but there is no way he should have expressed it the way he did that is unforgivable. I am so sorry for your loss, take some time to heal away from him to see if that improves things. I still cry about my MC's and I have had 3, one last year and the others 6 and 7 years ago. I hope you are getting some real-life support for your loss.

Anyoldthing Tue 12-Jul-11 19:09:05

Ok, I appreciate all the honesty. It's been difficult to explain the full ramifications to people I know who have seen each horror with his son unfold.
I also realise that I could not be in a relationship with someone who wouldn't accept my kids, but then I'm the resident parent in my situation.

I fervently wish my partner could control his sons behaviour, but he says he can't because he doesn't live with him. I have no problem with the whole package when his son behaves. His daughter is lovely btw.
I don't expect him to choose me over his son and I would have no respect for him if he did. However, he complains bitterly about the behaviour and wants change but does nothing to change it and expects me to sit by and accept it.

I cannot solve the problem so I choose to conduct our relationship outside of when he has care of his children. Partially because of the stress, partially because his son has ruined 3 out of 4 holidays with his behaviour and many weekends in between.

In answer to questions, his son has the terrifying manipulation capacity of a much older child but the usual behaviours etc otherwise for his age.
My partner and I have known each other 15 years, hence an early ish introduction to one anothers children. His son has had a turbulent time with his parents split, frequent house moves, frequent school moves etc and hated his little sister on sight.

If I have the chance to rescue our situation - does anyone have suggestions of how to create the best possible outcome?

helenthemadex Tue 12-Jul-11 19:09:42

poor mixed up little boy, try seeing things from his point of view

thank goodnesss his father seems to realise that although his behaviour is testing, its maybe because he is trying to cope with things he doesnt understand

Divorce /seperation is hard to adults to deal with never mind kids

if you are not part of the solution in helping him to deal with stuff and making it easier and being more welcoming then maybe you and your attitude are part of the problem

streptococcus Tue 12-Jul-11 19:09:50

poor little boy. sad

Xales Tue 12-Jul-11 19:11:06

Your problem is not the child it is the father who refuses to parent properly and refuses to believe his child is ever wrong/naughty.

Whilst you remain in this relationship your problem will always be the father who will back his son 100% even if he witnessed the actions himself.

He will never welcome your input regard his son and you will end up with a dual family. His son doing whatever he wants and your children having proper boundaries and rules. Your children and you will resent this.

10 months is not a long time. Imagine this in 10 years when his son is 18, bigger and into worse trouble and you are still unable to do a single thing or make a single comment. Also imagine the impact on your children for all these years.

My partner has them at weekends only and is often not looking forward to it. What sort of parent doesn't look forward to seeing as much of their child as possible? Daddy doesn't want him and daddy has 'replaced' him with your children. Can you not blame the poor boy for acting up?

Get out now.

PirateDinosaur Tue 12-Jul-11 19:12:58

YABU to avoid your partner's son if you are still in a relationship with him.

And the poor boy does sound desperately unhappy and in need of help.

But by the sound of things your partner is not prepared to parent him properly and enforce any kind of boundaries. With that and the situation around your pregnancy and miscarriage I just can't see that there's any real future in the relationship.

lateatwork Tue 12-Jul-11 19:13:23

YANBU to avoid your partner's son until you get issues sorted between DP and yourself. Children can be manipulative- but honestly, its a difficult time for the child and putting the blame on him isnt going to resolve anything. It will give you some space to work on some basics with DP... shared goals/ ideas etc Then have a plan on how to reintroduce DSS and your children back into a blended family... it can take many years for one to form, so dont expect everything from the start... but if you and DP have not done the groundwork together and are a reunited front, then things will spiral again.

YABU if you think that you can avoid DSS forever. It doesnt work like that.

Anyoldthing Tue 12-Jul-11 19:13:49

Answering questions again:

The younger sister is 3, her behaviour is ok at the moment, the occasional outburst here and there but not too much or outrageous.

The parents split once 3 years ago and again 18 months ago, this time final.

I do know his ex to some degree, she's awful to my guy and often drunk. By often I mean daily - hence the influences. She's a screamer at the kids. It's not my style so apart from the usual ex issues I'm not cohesive with her parenting style.

My partner has a job which keeps his away from home quite a lot, he left parenting skills primarily to his ex.

Re-miscarriage, no, there's been no support. My guy was relieved about the miscarriage because he didn't want to deal with his sons reaction sad

JamieAgain Tue 12-Jul-11 19:14:57

Sorry I can't help more. I do sympathise. If your DP want to help his son then I think he does need to listen when he gets banned from Cubs. I agree with Xales that it's very sad that the father does not want to see his son.

LadyFlumpalot Tue 12-Jul-11 19:16:38

OP - I would strongly suggest that the best possible solution will be to show the lad that his relationship with his father is the most important thing here. You can do that by backing off, but still showing support, being someone to talk to etc.

I get on fabulously with my step-dad as he has always taken a back seat with regards to my parenting, he has always been there for me, but never a threat to my father or the relationship with my mother. I get on less well (and as a consequence) behaved abhorrently with my step-mother as she interfered with my relationship with my dad, tried to act like my mother and put her own needs before mine.

Please understand, I am not suggesting for a second that you are doing this, but maybe, just maybe, that is how this little boy sees it.

helenthemadex Tue 12-Jul-11 19:17:18

ok crossed posts

how has the son behaved with you off the scene, can you maybe do meet up ata neutral place for a few hours on his weekends so you are about but not all the time he may start to accept that more easily than you doing 'family'' things together all weekend, maybe he thinks your dp is replacing his old family and children with you and your dc

you dp needs to make sure he tells his dc that they are his priority

I think it takes the patience of a saint to be a step parent

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