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DH missed my big night

(21 Posts)
MonkeyJungleConga Mon 11-Jul-11 23:56:08

To cut a long story short - tonight I was singing in a concert and I had a solo. I told DH that the solo would be at the beginning of the show and that it was put there expressly so the children could see it and if they got tired they could go home without missing me.

He turned up late, they all missed my solo and he's blaming the tube.

I've had a very difficult 18 months, I live in the shadow of a life threatening illness and tonight meant a lot to me. I am totally gutted that the children missed seeing me. A load of hard work for nothing.

He didn't even hang around after the show for me to say goodnight to the kids. When I rang to see where he was he'd put them in the car and was about to head off.

MummyTigger Tue 12-Jul-11 00:01:02

YANBU! What a joker! I'm so sorry he let you down - I bet you sang beautifully. I'd be having serious words with him when you get home.

Why on earth is he blaming the Tube when he had the car in the first place, by the way?! He should have made sure he left in plenty of time, regardless of what method of transport he used.

TheFarSide Tue 12-Jul-11 00:02:35

That sounds really disappointing. I wonder if he was aware just how important it was to you?

MonkeyJungleConga Tue 12-Jul-11 00:08:59

He had the car because we live in commuter belt-land. So he picked the children up after he got back on the train.

TFS - I'm sure he did. I am passionate about my choir. Last night he asked if I'd practiced much and got a kind of "I-can't-believe-you're-asking-me-that-question" kind of response. He knew.

I'm unlikely to ever sing a solo like that again - the choir I sing in is about giving everyone a chance and it's a big choir.

I have another thread going on which someone has confirmed the tubes were delayed. So it may not be his fault but AIBU to still be bloody furious with him?

If I have to go to his work things etc I make sure I check the train / tube status before I go. He's a stickler for punctuality. But having said that - my enthusiasm for my choir is totally lost on him. He didn't want to go.

MummyTigger Tue 12-Jul-11 00:13:18

He's a stickler for punctuality, and yet mysteriously ended up being late to something he didn't want to go to in the first place? hmm

What a twunt. I really feel so bad for you being let down so much. I'd let him know exactly how it made you feel that not only did he miss your moment, he couldn't be bothered to wait for you. That's really unbelievably shitty.

MonkeyJungleConga Tue 12-Jul-11 00:16:41

It was late (9.45) when the concert finished and he said the children wanted to get into the car - they were tired. They're aged 5 & 6 and they're on school hols. My friend's 4 year old waited for 5 mins for her to say good night to him. I literally left the stage, when to the dressing room, got my bag and came straight out without stopping to talk to anyone. They would have had to wait 5 mins max. He knew I was not happy (we'd texted) and he buggered off to save getting a bollocking. Am home now and he's in bed and he's a night-owl hmm.

We've had words - a rather heated phone call between us just after the show when i realised he's buggered off. We've been together 20 years and I reckon it's the first time I've slammed the phone down on him.

MummyTigger Tue 12-Jul-11 00:27:53

He deserves everything you can think of and more. I'm sorry but that really has made me shocked. He'd better be grovelling tomorrow. I really am so sorry for his failure sad if my DP missed something that important to me, I'd be so upset!

The only time I've ever asked my DP to support me was when I was doing Footloose and actually had a main part for once. He came not just once, but twice - the second time travelling from Llanelli in order to make it. So as far as I'm concerned, your DH has NO excuse at all.

MonkeyJungleConga Tue 12-Jul-11 10:30:52

Well the DCs have both told me they wanted to hang around to see me after the show so he's talking bull about them wanting to get into the car. We've not spoken since last night.

itisnearlysummer Tue 12-Jul-11 11:27:05

I'm really sorry to hear that.

I'm in a choir too (not brave enough yet for a solo though so well done you!) and I know how awful it feels if no one is in the audience to see me. So to have something as important as a solo and for him to just not turn up on time is so hurtful.

By doing a solo you are really putting yourself in the spotlight (literally and figuratively!) and I would feel incredibly vulnerable, so to be rejected like that would be awful.

Has he seen you sing before? Sounds like he could he feel a bit threatened by the confidence this takes and feels a bit uncomfortable with that.

redskyatnight Tue 12-Jul-11 11:40:44

I think it's a shame that he missed your performance (impromptu encore at home maybe?) but it does sound like there was genuine transport problems so I think you are maybe being hard on him.

Also (in fairness to him) it sounded like he wanted to get the children home as it was late (and he couldn't have known how long you would be).

I think you are being a bit harsh tbh.

SpringchickenGoldBrass Tue 12-Jul-11 11:43:46

I don't think you're being harsh at all OP. I think he;s being a passive-aggressive shit. For some reason, he doesn't like you singing - whether it's fear that this might involve Other Men looking at you admiringly, or a conviction that you are a domestic appliance, not really a person and you have no business doing anything for yourself when you could be doing housework, I don't know.

itisnearlysummer Tue 12-Jul-11 11:46:57

I don't think you're being harsh either.

A late night for something as amazing as seeing their mother perform on stage is not going to hurt your children.

Especially if they wanted to stay and see you at the end.

My DD (nearly 5) is immensely proud of me and writes little notes to that effect so I know it's true grin

It's really important for your children (and DH) so see that you are a whole person and more than just their mum.

Ephiny Tue 12-Jul-11 11:54:20

I don't think you're being harsh, especially if he knew how important it is to you. I play in an amateur orchestra (no solos for me, just a lowly second violin!) but DP never misses a concert, despite not being a particular fan of orchestral music (Shostakovich symphonies must be a bit of an ordeal for him!).

I bet you would have been there to support him if it was the other way round?

SmethwickBelle Tue 12-Jul-11 12:15:54

How disappointing, YANBU.

I'd be absolutely furious, it was disrespectful to you and the choir if things were arranged so the children could watch.

My approach would be that once the dust has settled something like this better not EVER happen again.

JanMorrow Tue 12-Jul-11 12:20:39

How late was he? Because any sensible person would aim to get to a concert at least 15mins early to get a seat/settle in etc and allow time for error.. he quite clearly didn't leave enough time to get home/to the concert, even factoring in delays on the tube.

I hope he grovels.

pommedechocolat Tue 12-Jul-11 12:23:26

Aww, that makes me feel sad for you and your children.
He was mean.
Agree with poster above who says for whatever reason he doesn't like you having this choir in your life.

PatriciaHolm Tue 12-Jul-11 12:24:39

He could be very annoyed with himself for messing up and is manifesting that as being very defensive; " it wasn't MY fault, it was the tubes! the kids were tired! don't blame ME" when he actually knows it was his fault, though if the tubes were up the spout that's actually very hard to get around.

it is a real shame they all missed you. Maybe you can give the kids a private performance of the solo at home?

Hufflepuzzpig Tue 12-Jul-11 12:26:33

YANBU, so sorry you've been disappointed. He's being a real arse over this, is it the first time he's been like it?

Insomnia11 Tue 12-Jul-11 12:31:44

The tube may have been up the spout but it sounds like a crap excuse. Did he leave early to allow for transport delays? I mean if he left an hour early and was still delayed then there isn't much he couldn't have done, but in the above situation if he wasn't making a special effort to get there then that wasn't enough, and you seriously have to ask him why he didn't make that effort.

I would be fucking furious.

MonkeyJungleConga Tue 12-Jul-11 15:37:44

itisnearlysummer - your post sums it up completely for me and is exactly why I did it. I was totally out of my comfort zone so it was a huge effort for me.

I have spoken to him this afternoon and really rammed the point home. I don't know if I'll ever do another solo again. A performance at home isn't nearly the same - me on a karaoke machine vs. me on a stage, proper backing track, a choir of 120 backing me, all of us dancing, lights etc. Anyway, they've seen the karaoke version hundreds of times when I've practised.

Anyway, it's done, he's contrite now and it can't change what (didn't) happen but I think it's fair to say that I am ever lucky (and brave) enough to do it again then he won't dare be late.

flamegirl77 Tue 12-Jul-11 20:43:12

I just wanted to say I'm sure the rest of the audience really enjoyed your solo. I know that's not important to you but I hope you can still feel proud of yourself, your talent and all your hard work. And I'm sure you'll get to shine again some time! Well done.

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