to stalk my DD on facebook? or just ban it altogether?

[ThatVikRinA22]

she was 14 today. i have just gone through her 'friends' list on FB and hit the roof.
before she got FB we had a long conversation about safety and having some rules, and i insisted that she have me as a friend.

today, she got hundreds of birthday messages. so i began to go through them, then her friends list with growing alarm.

one bloke in Germany has wished her a happy 14th birthday, his profile picture is of a man clearly in his 20's stood naked in front of a mirror.
another 'friend' doesnt even speak english.

she has gone to bed, i am angry and i now realise i should have been far stricter with this. She thinks im just scare mongering but in my job i see FB causing no end of problems, i really thought she had more sense.

i have told her that tomorrow she sits with me and goes though her friends list and she deletes absolutely anyone she does not know in person.
its that or i just ban it altogether.

would you let your 14 have FB? she uses it alot after school etc, she goes to a school out of the neighbourhood so her friends are scattered far and wide, though she does go out with them into town and for lunch etc every weekend.

im wondering if it would be unreasonable to shut it down until she proves she has some sense of internet safety?

[clappyhands]

stalk her until she understands the dangers. yanbu

i am horrified by some of my DN "friends". trying to pluck up the courage to talk to her about just defriending peopld

[MummyTigger]

I'm friends with a lot of people I don't know personally on FB because I play a lot of games on there and it's simply easier to play when you have lots of people in a collective group. HOWEVER I keep these people to a limited-access profile, I don't engage in any form of conversation with them other than about the game and I'm 21 so therefore able to decide for myself who is dodgy and who isn't.

I'd really worry about your DD - have words quickly, and make sure she understands just how dangerous it can be.

[beachyhead]

Mine is 14 and 'knows' all her friends, even if she has just met them through friends once. She wouldn't have a problem if we went through them and had a cull. I am her friend and apparently have her password, although I've forgotten it.....

[squeakytoy]

Yes you should have policed this earlier. You need to be a friend of hers so that you are notified every time she adds a new friend, and you can see the posts on her wall.

You should also know her password so that if needs be you can go into the account and police any private messages. She is a child, not an adult, and you need to keep an eye on FB for teens her age.

[AlabamaWorley]

What squeakytoy said

[arazmataz]

My position is the same as squeakytoy's. At least you've got a chance to lay down the law now.

[arazmataz]

You have to mean it when you say you will ban it! And you have to exercise your right to go in and have a look.

[ThatVikRinA22]

to be honest my job has opened my eyes a great deal to the dangers of FB and i am quite surprised that she has been so daft as to add strangers when we had covered all this before she got it, but i accept what you are saying. She hasnt had the account long and this is the first time i have gone through all her friends.

i am technologically rubbish. i will get DS to sort it so i can see exactly what is going on with her account, its that or she looses it, so i will give her that choice tomorrow.

[bellavita]

I go through DS1's (14) Facebook. I have no problem whatsoever in telling him to delete remarks and "so callled friends" and he does.

[CrystalsandDiamonds]

Id make her add you as a friend, and then i would also make sure her profile is totally private so that randoms can not see her information, her wall or her pictures.

You can also limit who can search her profile, in the privacy settings if need be

[threefeethighandrising]

There was an infomercial about grooming, with a child talking to someone over the internet, the other person's words were narrated with a child's voice, but then you see the person, it's a man and the narration changes to to man's voice, it was quite creepy.

I wonder of you could find that on youtube, it might help you make your point.

Does anyone else know the ad I'm talking about?

[threefeethighandrising]

I agree that you need to get her to change her privacy settings. It's quite easy you just go into settings and change everything (and there are a lot of them!) to private.

[Tchootnika]

Vicar - I can't see what other approach you could have taken, tbh, and i think you're doing really well.
Most 14y.os would hit the roof if you tried to stop them using Fb altogether, so going through friends with her and having a proper talk about it seems like the best way forward (for the time beoing, at least...)

[ThatVikRinA22]

she has added me as a friend, that was the deal when she got FB, but im a dinosaur with these things....i will sort it tomorrow though. DS will do it all for me. and she will have to like it or lump it.

tomorrow we will sort her privacy settings.
delete all the randomers
and she will have to give me her password.

none of the above will be optional.

[squeakytoy]

The problem with most 14yr old is that they think they know more than you. We all did when we were that age, and no matter how many warnings and helpful safe advice you give them, they think they are more clued up than you (who in their eyes are a dinosaur who knows nothing at all..... )..

Which is why the only way is to actively watch what goes on on their pages. If you are not all that clued up on facebook, find a relative who is, and insist that your child have them as a friend. Kids can be very devious and hide/delete things.

You should be ensuring that the email on the facebook account is one that you regularly check, because even if something dodgy is deleted, there will (if it has been set up right) an email notification which will still hold the "evidence".

[manicinsomniac]

I would sit down with her, do the cull then ban for a fixed time period (a week, a month, 6 weeks ... something like that). Then let her have the privilege back providing you can check up on her and make sure she doesn't abuse it again.

[piprabbit]

You might find this site useful - it has information for parents and separate information for children on how to use technology safely.

[Emzar]

My partner's daughter is 14 and he's had similar issues with her adding people she doesn't know on Facebook. It's partly being naive about the risks, partly a "oh dad's just treating me like a baby" rebellion, but I do think it's worth bearing in mind the enormous peer pressure kids are under these days online - pressure to have loads of FB friends, for example. Totally do the things suggested to put a stop to it, but maybe go easy on her and talk about why she feels the need to do it.

[ThatVikRinA22]

i am a little shocked by her as she is normally so sensible!

i would rather be able to monitor her account, so i think we will just have that chat - she knows because i have said as she was going to bed that i was disappointed and she would have to cull the weirdos she seems to have picked up on her friends list....she is totally ok with that.

i think she knows she has been silly. her dad will also totally back me up on this.

[CrystalsandDiamonds]

Vicar, if your not so up with facebook maybe get her to add your son as well, and make sure he accepts it (this would depend on his age mind you) as im sure he would be telling you if she was doing the slightest thing creepy or old people hitting on her.

I have a few of my younger cousins on my facebook for this reason, as there parents aint so up with facebook, and that we would respect there privacy as long as they did not have random people they didn't no, they weren't talking about illegal activity and especially that there privacy settings were set correctly ie everything is set to friends only, but this only works when you cull the unknown people

[worraliberty]

When your DS sorts it...make sure you sit with him and learn how it works.

It doesn't matter if you're a 'dinosaur' and all the other things you've said. FB is really quite simple and absolutely important in your case that you learn how to use it and familiarise yourself with the settings etc.

[ThatVikRinA22]

Well ds hacked into her account for me, she is adding 40 year old sailors ffs, though thankfully no real msgs between her and the weirdos... I have however discovered that she has a boyfriend of 15 who is flirting like a, well, like a 15 year old boy... Lots of sex talk so I think we need to have a conversation that I didn't quite expect to be having just yet. Tomorrow we will be having a talk, I expect her to delete alot of people from her friends list(including the kid who slotted her SN brother and was arrested and charged!!!) and then dh thinks I need to talk to her alone about this lad etc, dh doesn't think I should have read their msgs but it's clear from those that my baby girl is growing up...

[Tee2072]

The first thing you need to do is learn. Being a dinosaur is no excuse. It's the internet age. In order to protect your daughter and yourself, you need to educate yourself.

Do a Google search on Facebook Privacy Settings and read everything you can.

Do that for every program she uses that connects to the internet.

[Wormshuffler]

I only allowed my dd to go on it with the condition that I know her password, and that she is to accept no friends without running them past me first. I check it all the time. I am on facebook myself (a bit of an addict TBH) so I find it easy.
I would want to go through every person on there and delete everyone you think is inappropriate, don't feel bad about it, your a parent not her mate!
She has stuck to this in fairness, but it is MSN that really worrys me, I can't figure out how I can police this? any ideas anyone?