I probably am, but...

[ilove]

this afternoon me and DH were messing about ? he had hold of me in the hallway and I couldn?t break free. He didn?t hurt me, I wasn?t frightened of him.



But



I am getting smaller again. He can get a proper hold on me and he can stop me moving. And 99% of the time I love that you can do that because in a lot of ways it makes me feel safe, he looks after me, he protects me. When I am in his arms ? especially at night ? I am safe



But



It scares me too that if I really, really was scared he might not realise and might not let go of me. Or if we were rowing and he was angry? Or maybe it wouldn?t be him that had hold of me and then I couldn?t get away.



I know you'll think I am silly and that I see every bloke as an attacker and I don?t, I?m a lot better than I used to be ? I did use to think like that, and now I don?t so much any more. But, when you've been on the receiving end, from more than one man...



Being smaller frightens me because I feel vulnerable. But I want to be smaller.


Headfuck, much?

[ilove]

Oh, to add - he has NEVER laid a finger on me nor made me think he might - in 17 years.

[mo3d]

When you say you're getting smaller, do you mean you're losing weight?

[squeakytoy]

Not really sure what you are asking to be honest

[BornInAfrica]

You sound just a tiny little bit crazy. Is your OP a question or a statement?

[ilove]

Yes I'm losing weight - sorry should have made it clearer. His arms go right round me now, with my arms on the inside if that makes sense?

What am I asking? I dunno really - I got down to this weight before, then put loads back on. Now it is going again but this time I want it to carry on...it needs to!

[ledkr]

eh?

[reelingintheyears]

Crikey.

[ilove]

Crazy? lol...not really. I'm very sane, just with the usual mad overactive brain stuff sometimes!

[ledkr]

im off

[mayorquimby]

Not sure what your asking but my gf was shocked that if i when she discovered that if I wanted to I can wrap her up and stop her from moving completely if I wanted to. This of course happened when we were messing around and she bet me that she could get loose if she wanted to. I think she had always assumed that if she was attacked etc. she'd be able to struggle loose, she said after that it was a kind of weird/scary feeling in that she literally couldn't move no matter how hard she tried.
Once again not sure what you're getting at, but it may not be an uncommon feeling and you may be feeling similar to what my gf did.
As you say she wasn't scared of me etc. but did find it a little disconcerting that she could be held down so easily.

[mayorquimby]

*strike out that initial "if i.."

[ilove]

I think I'm at the point a lot of overweight people get to - it's actually quite scary to physically change in appearance and size when it is a large amount of weight that you lose. Then people start to notice, and to comment...I think the AIBU is in regard to am I being unreasonable to be scared and nervy, should I just go with it and shove down the feeling that actually, I'm the "big one" of the group/family/friends/whatever event I'm at - or do I (try) and hold my head up and battle through it.

[ilove]

mayorquimby that is it exactly. I always assumed that being big meant I couldn't be pinned down by one person - despite DH going to the gym, being taller than me, stronger than me - the fact his arms wouldn't reach and clasp comfortable meant I was "safe" against any othe rogue person.

Now I'm not - yet having said this to DH he says that I was more at risk of being overpowered when I was larger, that now I'm smaller, I'm stronger.

[mo3d]

I remember that feeling. As a teenager I was mucking around with a friend (we were hanging out with friends in a field) and we started wrestling. He ended up on top of me, and I was shocked when I realised I couldn't move at all. It was ok cause he was a friend and we were just messing around, but I remember thinking 'omg I can't move' and it was a bit scary.

[ilove]

Yes that's it. And it is ok when it is someone you do trust, but....

Like I said, this feeling has only hit me today and I know now what triggored me to regain all the weight I lost before - the feeling I have now :(

[DirtyMartini]

I don't think you sound crazy, at all. I think you sound thoughtful and self-aware about various interconnecting issues.

AIBU might not be the best place for replies in that vein, though!

[mayorquimby]

TBH I doubt the weight would make a difference. Unless you were putting on weight through working out/building muscle mass I don't see how it's going to make you any less vulnerable. I'd wager that there's very few women who could over-power a male like you describe (i.e. relatively active)even if they put on weight. Now obviously I've never put this theory to the test or even thought about it before this moment, but it's not like heavier women are automatically stronger and in general they'd probably have poorer cardio so would probably have less strenght to struggle etc.
It's certainly not something I'd let derail your weight loss etc. if it's something you've been pursuing with success.

[AuntiePickleBottom]

i hate it when DH pins me down when play fighting, it does make feel secure when he is home...but when he works nights i think if he can pin me down then any one who may break in also could.

[mo3d]

Then listen to your DH when he says you're stronger now you're smaller and don't put the weight back on if you're happier with the new you. Your DH sounds very supportive. Enjoy his arms wrapped all the way around you!

[ilove]

AuntiePickleBottom mine works nights too - he is on nights tonight and tomorrow. Not a nice feeling even tho we have an alarm/dog/neighbours etc

[GoggleEyed]

I got where you were coming from, and understood what you were trying to say. It is a realisation of a vulnerability mixed with the weight issue. I think you explained it well in your post of 22.07. If their arms dont connect/hands cant be held, then you can theoretically 'escape' through the gap. Ok, you were with DH, so you were safe in this instance, but you realised your 'escape gap' had closed and this would be BAD if it was an attacker. And now you are worried you wont maintain the weight you have lost because subconsciously your brain is telling you it isnt 'safe'?

[ilove]

mayorquimby I think I always thought that if you could not physically get your arms round me (yes I was that big) and get a good grip, then you couldn't keep me pinned down.

[squeakytoy]

I really dont think you can know how you may react towards someone who is genuinely forcing you against your will and making you fight for "survival".

My husband can hold me down and no way could I get out of his grip, but then I know he isnt going to hurt me.... if it were a stranger I would have no hesitation (I hope, and also hope it never comes to it).. to bite or kick my way out of someones grasp.

[ilove]

GoggleEyed you've got it.

I can pinpoint my last sabotage attack - I was in the shop over the road, smiled and said hello to a neighbour and his little boy - know them well but hadn't seen him for a few months - and his jaw dropped and he had no idea I was me. He later came round to see DH to apologise for not recognising me now that I looked so different/thin etc. But that made me feel really insecure because I was still me inside

[PlanetEarth]

Oh yes, I hate being overpowered. DH did it to me once years ago (he was playfighting, I wasn't as it's really not my thing) and couldn't understand why I was so furious, so much so that I decided if he tried it again I'd play dirty, e.g. kick him in the balls or something. Guess he realised I was furious and didn't do it again - though he never really got why.