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AIBU to just want to give up entirely on MIL...

(29 Posts)
Bananamash Mon 11-Jul-11 21:19:15

As a bit of background (altho perhaps not entirely relevant it will illustrate why I have rather a short fuse with the woman), I have never really got on with MIL. DH and i had DS rather young, he was an unplanned baby it has all worked out wonderfully and I wouldn't change it. When MIL found out i was pregnant, she was understandably very upset, but she demanded I have an abortion and started throwing threats around such as her son would not be "allowed" to see the baby....hmm (hewas a few days shy of being 20 years old when ds1 was born btw!) She did not want see DS1 until he was nine months old. She refused to come to our weddding until the day, when she turned up unannounced, and then cried- and not in a good way! On the whole she has been, at best, rather unwelcoming. After the wedding she apologised and said she wanted to be friends. I did try and make the effort- inviting her out with DS and i etc but she never took me up on these offers. So there is now an awkward an uneasy peace. She is DH's mother and always will be but she clearly does not like me (!) and I don't think i will ever completely forgive her awful behaviour.

So as it stands there is an uneasy peace. She is not really interested in DC. I barely see her, despite living less than a mile away. We tend to see her at obligatory family birthday meals etc.

Anyway, DS1 has just got into a brilliant prep school, infact it is the school that DH and BIL went to. We are over the moon with him. He did so well on the entrance exams that he has a discount on fees. We are both so so terribly proud of him, and if we are honest we are all really quite excited.

He had an induction day the other day and had to wear full school uniform. I thought (as his mother, i appreciate that anyone who is not a family member or clsoe friend would not care! ;) ) he looked so smart and grown up that i took a pic on my mob and sent it to DH. He, trying to be nice, sent it to MIL. She responded with this:

"Do they not have rules about suitable hair cuts any more?"

AIBU to to think if you don't have anything nice to say about your own grandson then shut the fuck up don't say anything at all?

BTW he does not have a particularly extreme haircut! It is slightly longer than some, but certainly not extreme in anyway shape or form. Several boys in his current class have similar styles as do some of the boys i have seen on open days.

TartyMcFarty Mon 11-Jul-11 21:22:12

Sounds to me like there's no relationship to give up on. Ditch the witch.

ImperialBlether Mon 11-Jul-11 21:24:03

I just don't understand women like that. Obviously I can understand her being upset at first about your pregnancy - I just can't imagine though that once the birth is close, how she couldn't be beside herself with excitement.

She'll never get that time back - by that time I mean with her son, too, not just her grandson.

MoonGirl1981 Mon 11-Jul-11 21:26:38

Ah, tell her to fuck off!

Don't have anything more to do with her and stop making any effort.

bringmesunshine2009 Mon 11-Jul-11 21:26:52

Amen to that. Bye bye bag features.

Bananamash Mon 11-Jul-11 21:29:17

Thank you. I really have tried to be patient becasue i know she is his mother and you always love your mum no matter how dreadul they are, and i wouldn't want to put DH in a situation where he felt he had to choose etc.

But i really feel like throwing my hands up in the air and as moon girl said, just telling her to fuck off then!

RetroHousewife Mon 11-Jul-11 21:29:52

Hello, are you married to my DH's brother? wink

I ditched my evil cunt of a MIL about five years ago, best thing I did.

lateatwork Mon 11-Jul-11 21:30:06

love it. i wouldnt bother with her anymore- i dont think the comment is nec that nasty, but surely there are a million other nicer things she could have said. I would step back and let DP do any work that may be necessary to continue the relationship- if it doesnt happen, then I wouldnt feel in the least bit angst ridden. Its lovely that DC should have a relationship with MIL and am sure that they will come to the same conculsion as you in their own time.

BTW i think she may very well be seething that everything has worked out so well for you guys- happy, bright DC to get discount on school fees etc just seeing you probably reminds her of what crap judgement she had initially.

SingingSands Mon 11-Jul-11 21:31:06

She's not worth the effort, is she?

RetroHousewife Mon 11-Jul-11 21:31:13

Actually, DH doesn't love his mother . He probably did, once, but twenty adult years of indifference passive aggression, spite and shit stirring killed it.

LRDTheFeministNutcase Mon 11-Jul-11 21:31:14

She sounds like a bitter person who's trying to push you back because you and your DH are making a success of things.

Congratulations to your DS btw. smile

ohhappyday Mon 11-Jul-11 21:33:14

Well done you two and well done your little boy!! You sound like brilliant parents who have overcome so much despite the odds. The woman is toxic I personally would have nothing at all to do with her. If your DH want's to that's up to him as long as he knows where his loyalties lie. Don't let her spoil this wonderful time.

pointythings Mon 11-Jul-11 21:36:06

If your DH doesn't love his mum then you should probably just go no contact - your DS does not need a poison granny.

squeakytoy Mon 11-Jul-11 21:37:19

Doesnt sound to me like you have done anything wrong, and if I were you I would just live my life without involving her in it from now on.

forehead Mon 11-Jul-11 21:38:58

Don't waste your time. I got rid of my nil a few years ago. I gave up trying and i am so glad i did.
She now regrets it, but it is too late, i cannot be bothered.

PetronusOfSteel Mon 11-Jul-11 21:45:44

This is so sad but I really don't see what you can do to make this relationship work, you've obviously tried harder than your MIL deserves and she's still giving nothing back. sad

Good luck to your DS at his new school, bet he looked lovely in his new uniform. smile

ledkr Mon 11-Jul-11 21:53:25

Ah.she's twat,my ds and gf got pg when they were 18,no i wasnt chuffed but supported them and now have a gorgeous little gs and a fabulous dil who is a true friend. Silly woman. Just stop bothering.

Bananamash Mon 11-Jul-11 22:01:30

Thak you everyone for your kind words. Think I will need to have a talk with my Dh about it and say how hurt I was by the comment and that it is the straw that broke the camels back- i am done with her.

Oh and thank you so much re the school smile. It is one of those things you can't really get excited about it public, for fear of being seen as bragging or snobby etc, but we are absoutely thrilled with him!

blackeyedsusan Mon 11-Jul-11 22:33:35

you can let dh take the dc to see her if you would rather not. they will get to an age soon when they will vote with their feet too.

LesserOfTwoWeevils Mon 11-Jul-11 22:45:18

Congrats on your DS doing so well. He must be thrilled that you're so proud of him.
It's really generous of you to try so hard not to make your DH choose between you and your MIL. You sound lovely.

proudfoot Mon 11-Jul-11 23:51:12

YANBU. Sounds like your family would be better off with no contact with her. She sounds horrible.

unpa1dcar3r Tue 12-Jul-11 08:43:47

Banan sounds like she has that famous head up arse sysndrome.
Some people you just cannot please so the best thing to do is not bother trying.
MY MIL not always secretly loathes me. For years i thought it was me and used to find her nasty comments and digs very upsetting until quite recently when other family members all said no they adore me, it's her with the problem, and she can be like it with all them too.
If you get along with everyone else just ignore the silly daft cow.

brass Tue 12-Jul-11 09:02:59

I do not volunteer any info about our lives any more. If MIL asks, I politely answer with the bare minimum. I feel incredibly protective of our lives and do not want to share anything important with this woman.

It doesn't matter what you do some people just do not want to see you happy and thriving. I suspect she is very miffed that your DS is at the same prep. She has classified your DH as ruining his life by having a child with you at a young age and yet here you are - still together, doing a good job of the parenting and your little boy blossoming. All without her help and support. Yes that will be difficult for her to swallow.

Keep her out.

strictlovingmum Tue 12-Jul-11 09:11:59

Ditch the witch, she sounds vile, all of it of course is her loss,
all the precious moments with your DC she missed she can't get them back.
Your DS will grow up into fine young man and she will want to have relationship with him, but I don't see it happening.
Good luck and don't loose any sleep over her,not worth it.

aurorastargazer Tue 12-Jul-11 09:20:09

congratulations to your son! smile

i feel sorry for your mil that she doesn't seem to be able to allow her feelings to thaw towards what is obviously a wonderful family. congratulations to you and yours smile

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