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to be annoyed with In-laws and DH?

(25 Posts)
summerpixie Mon 11-Jul-11 18:13:45

Yes, I know most of us don't really get on with our I-L's but mine especially annoy me when it comes to visiting.

DS's birthday is in 2 weeks. For months I have planned 2 Saturday's worth of activities for him as it will be his last b'day as an only child and because I am due Sept. I told DH to inform his parents of the party day and half expected them to make an effort to arrange to come down for the day.

Their first reply: Oh, we thought his birthday was in August (GRRRR FUMING at this point!!! He is their grandson afterall)
Second response: Oh we are working that weekend but we'll visit the week before at some point.

MIL called up yesterday to tell us that they wouldn't be coming down after all despite having the whole week off work this week. They live about 2 hours drive away. They would be sending his pressies down by post during the week. Before we had DS, MIL would always moan about not seeing her other grandkids (who they would drop everything for to ensure they got their b'day visit). Since DS arrived (4 years ago), the IL's have only visited 2x as an honest no other reason involved visit. All other times have been because they have come en route to the airport just before they fly on holiday.

So, I have told DH (who can't remember anything; Hereditary, me thinks) time and time again that at 7 months pregnant and still at work full time with a late work evening, a field trip and department dinner AND the first of DS's birthday activities to Legoland, this week I would not be welcoming visitors this Sunday. What has he just told me? MIL called and said they wants to come down on Sunday to take DS to legoland. He told her he would ask me what we had planned again as he had forgotten. I think he was just too gutless to tell her NO.

AIBU to be p'd off that DH couldn't just tell them that we do NOT drop everything just because they want to change THEIR plans and that IL's have no regard for anyone but themselves? I just feel extremely tired and am holding out until the end of school term to ensure that I am still fit to spend time with my DS and that I have enough energy to make his party a special one. I don't need IL's making plans to visit if and when they please.

YoungishBag Mon 11-Jul-11 18:16:58

You dont have to welcome visitors, meet them at legoland as you're going anyway.

It will be tiring and they will go home without coming round yours.

LadyThumb Mon 11-Jul-11 18:17:37

I can see your point with the ILs. But..........if you are too tired now, imagine what a day at Legoland will be like??!! Can't they come and take him, and you stay at home with your feet up?

rubyslippers Mon 11-Jul-11 18:19:36

I think it sounds like an awful lot of stuff for a young child

Why don't you let them go to legoland together, you stay home and relax?

rubyslippers Mon 11-Jul-11 18:21:04

Did your DH actually inviet them to the party or just "inform" them of it?

ChaoticAngelofGryffindor Mon 11-Jul-11 18:21:15

Get your DH to phone them and tell them that you are going to Legoland on the Saturday so they need to come down that day.

EuphemiaMcGonagall Mon 11-Jul-11 18:23:01

So you've planned a trip to Legoland two weeks on Saturday, and the in-laws want to take him this Sunday? Tell DH to tell them to bugger off.

summerpixie Mon 11-Jul-11 18:23:30

DH and I have arranged to take DS on Saturday. We have some spare tickets and are taking 3 of his friends with their parents. I will be bag watching on the benches! IL's want to come on sunday. I am not prepared to go Legoland 2 days on the trot and actually just want to spend the day at home with DS and DH.

EuphemiaMcGonagall Mon 11-Jul-11 18:26:10

So tell them that. You're the parent here, not them. It's your call.

ramade Mon 11-Jul-11 18:27:56

I get it summerpixie! We had a situation very similar to yours. I don't know about you, but I wish I had a screaming booth, a soundproof room where I could go everytime there's a little dig made or a rejection of some decision we make. I would get loads of relief just going "ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" until I ran out of breath!

I know how you feel, I'm with you sister smile

diddl Mon 11-Jul-11 18:28:17

Well I would say that 2hrs is quite a drive, so I wouldn´t condemn them too much for combining visits with airport trips.

If there are other bday activities, perhaps they could take your son to Legoland/meet you there.

Do you generally get on?

If so, I´d find a compromise tbh.

Also, when they visit-don´t they look after themselves or your husband does?

I always found ILs visits stressful as they´re not that easy to get on with, but never stressful as in causing a lot of extra work iyswim.

summerpixie Mon 11-Jul-11 18:28:34

DH told them what day the party was on and invited them down at a slightly later time than when all the kiddies and parents would be there to avoid congestion and boredom. They never plan to have the weekend off for DS's birthday. Last year I was even more angry. They said they wouldn't be coming as we were all meeting at Alton Towers the following weekend and they didn't have time to come down. Fair enough I thought, until I found out they had gone to see the other grandkids instead for no particular reason! (2 hours drive in the other direction for them)

diddl Mon 11-Jul-11 18:30:04

Oh, x post.

Well, it´s ridiculous to go two days (imo), but would them visiting on the Sunday be such an issue?

Sparkletastic Mon 11-Jul-11 18:31:15

may I be the first to say 'no' is a complete sentence. DH needs to grow a pair - his problem to sort them out.

JamieAgain Mon 11-Jul-11 18:33:34

Are you stressing an extra bit about the fact he won't be an only child soon? Only asking because I wondered if you are feeling guilty or worried about that (lots of us do), and there's no need.

I'd let them take him to Legoland, myself, even though it's sort of pandering to their whim.

JamieAgain Mon 11-Jul-11 18:36:54

Ignore my last post. I'd completely mis-understood the Legoland issue

WhoAteMySnickers Mon 11-Jul-11 18:38:49

Well I think YABU.

I really don't see the problem.

Go to Legoland as planned on Saturday.

Let your IL's take your DS out on Sunday and use the day to put your feet up as you'll probably be knackered anyway. They can either take your DS to Legoland again or you could suggest somewhere else.

summerpixie Mon 11-Jul-11 18:40:29

I think we generally get on, maybe because I try to get on for the sake of my DS as they are his grandparents. It's a shame they don't think the same way I do and consider DS as one of their special grandchildren.

Does DH attend to his parents when they visit??? Hell no, I am always the one making them cups of friggin tea and cooking lunch or dinner. When we visit them they never think about cooking lunch or dinner for us. Then they tell DH, oh you know where the freezer is if you're hungry. The general trend of their visits is to come round for a few hours, watch TV, drink tea have something to eat and then make their excuses to leave (Dog stuck at home on his own/ need to take the car to the airport car park). I fully accept that 2 hours is a long drive, but if its do-able to visit the other g-kids then it is do-able for my DS.

I am ignoring discussing this with DH until DS is in bed as I think I will be shouting quite a bit!

bagelmonkey Mon 11-Jul-11 18:43:40

Could they take him to legoland themselves on Sunday and leave you and DH to relax at home?

diddl Mon 11-Jul-11 18:44:52

Well I think that your husband needs to step up when they visit tbh.

And do they never eat when you´re there?

How odd of them.

The only reason I could get through a Sunday visit to ILs was that she did a great roast beef & yorkshire pudding!blush

We are abroad & they have never visited so obviously not that interested in their only GC!

LesserOfTwoWeevils Mon 11-Jul-11 18:48:45

They are visiting your DS and sending him a present.
Tell them Legoland is out because you've planned to go the day before.
Their activities on other visits sound perfectly reasonable.
You can't force them to love your DS more or to visit more often or when you want them to.
So working yourself into a frenzy about it is completely pointless. At least they take some interest in their DGC.
So, sorry, I think YABU and you should save your energy for more useful purposes.

ramade Mon 11-Jul-11 18:52:31

Mine also live 2hours away and make crappy excuses. Virtually everytime I see them I put on a thick skin and nail a smile to my face! I also Don't want to make issues because of the our children.

Explain to your DH that in order to undergo a life time of this (from your MIL) you need the strength of his support. No one has to be rude or start putting war paint on, just to be able to air your frustrations to him, for him to understand where your coming from and to show a little unity in front of them.

With that, you will be able to take all the punches!

summerpixie Mon 11-Jul-11 18:55:26

I think they eat before we arrive so they don't have to cater for us. If we are staying overnight the next day's meals are at a restaurant. I would not feel safe with them taking DS to Legoland alone. They don't know his temprement, don't really know how to deal with kids (FIL grabbed nephew by the neck at Alton Towers when he was misbehaving) and last time we left DS with them for an hour he cut his face on the corner of a table as they weren't watching him. I really don't think they have the best of grandparenting skills to feel confident with them spending a whole day with him. Besides, at Alton Towers, neither of them went on ANY rides with any of the 3 GC, well they didn't go on any rides at all. Are they expecting DS to go on rides alone if they took him?

diddl Mon 11-Jul-11 18:57:14

Are the other GC the children of daughters by any chance?

summerpixie Mon 11-Jul-11 20:24:04

Other GC are from eldest son. The idiot who has f'd up his life from start to finish despite IL's paying for everything and anything. Even when he got kicked out from marital home due to divorce they 'loaned' him money to settle his debts and then IL's moaned to me that he hadn't paid them back.

I have just raged at DH and told him to point blankly tell his parents 'NO'. I said I will not rearrange my weekend just for them, no I haven't any plans for the day and NO NO NO I will not drop everything and pander to them like they are the only people in the world that matters and that he MUST call them and tell them that we have no plans but do not want them to visit as DH forgot all the things I have told him about a busy week and that it is HIS fault that he did not say NO earlier.

TBH I don't think DH will have the guts to face up to his parents for fear of upsetting them. Well I'd rather he upset them than make me even more angry!

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