To keep my child away from another child whose mother is racist

[pingu2209]

There are two sisters in my children's school - the eldest sister is in my ds1 class and the younger sister in my ds2 class. I don't know the girls and am pretty sure they are very girly so they don't mix much with my boys.

The mother of the two girls is renounded in our school for being very snobby and quite racist. She openly ignores parents that are not posh/rich enough for her standards and has stated that she doesn't want her girls playing with another girl in ds1 class who is mixed race. Her daughters have also said to the mixed race girl in the class that they don't want to sit with her or play with her because she smells (which she doesn't). They even said that she steels their PE clothes, when she doesn't.

It is my friend with 2 mixed race children she is referring to. My friend has gone to school and complained to the head and the teacher about it as her daughter is becoming very upset and doesn't understand why she is being treated the way she is. The school will be dealing with the girls' attitude but not with the mother.

AIBU to say to my boys to stay away from the girls? I know that I am not directly involved, but the whole family are very racist and I don't want my boys to hear/see any of it.

[YoungishBag]

Yes, that would be wrong and would escalate a situation.

It's not the girls fault and their attitude will be dealt with by the school.

[itisnearlysummer]

It would be U.

The school can't challenge the mother's attitude but they will do circle times with the children to challenge their ideas.

By telling your DCs to stay away from her DCs you will be upsetting them just as much as they have upset your friends DD. It's not their fault and they will have no understanding of the situation.

[iamabadger]

I had a reply prepared, then read the thread and realised they are not actually friends with your boys anyway so it's a non-issue. I feel you would be setting just as a bad an example by telling your boys who not to associate with when you don't actually know them personally. If they were friends with these girls, what I would have said was that if you bring your children up to be tolerant and non-prejudiced then you won't have to worry because they won't want to be friends with a racist anyway You don't say how old any of them are but it sound like they may be too young to understand being told don't be friends with them because of this, this and this. Children just want to play with children they like, they will form their own opinions of them as they grow up.

[ladymystikal]

what a nasty piece of work. The other posters are right however..the girls have picked up their racist ignorance from their mum. Hopefully the school will be able to challenge their thinking in a group lesson or something.

[AMumInScotland]

I think the key here is to "criticise the behaviour and not the person" - you can make sure your boys behave well, aren't prejudiced, etc. And if they comment on things they see/hear you can explain why it was nasty of the girls to do/say whatever it was. But you shouldn't tell them to stay away from any person because of one aspect of that person, even if it's unpleasant behaviour. They will see/hear unpleasantness of one kind or another in the playground - if you're bringing them up well, they will spot unpleasantness for what it is and be able to rise above it.

[itisnearlysummer]

I've come back to this because I'm not sure why you're asking if you should keep your DCs away from 2 DCs that they don't play with/aren't friends with anyway.

Just wondering about your motives for posting, that's all.

[worraliberty]

They don't mix much with your boys anyway, so why do you need to keep them away?

[pingu2209]

itsnearlysummer - I know at the school they all play together a little. Clearly some they will play with a lot. I know that my boys don't play a lot with the 2 girls. I really feel very strongly about racism and my boys are at an impressionable age (6 and 8) and will be affected if they hear their peers being nasty about another child. I actually think they will believe it if enough children say it. The girls are popular and are getting other children to say horrible things to my friend's mixed race child. I don't want my sons being part of it.

[Blu]

I think it's good for all children to know that if another child is being picked on or bullied it is good to speak up for them and to challenge any nonsense being said.

In DS's school there was a bit of an outbreak of playing that horrible 'lurgy tag' game against one particular child. The 2 'coolest' boys in the class (good at footie, v street wise, etc) stepped in and tackled the girls doing the taunting and said it was horrible behaviour, and that behaving like that showed them up.

The Head came down v hard on the girls but also gave a huge public acknowledgement to the behaviour of the boys who tackled it when they saw it. Now, all the kids in the school wnat to be seen to be challeninging Wrong!

Make sure that your boys know how wrong it is to pick on people for any reason at all, and that it is good to stick up for people.

Better than encouraging them to essentially do what they are doing to your friend's DCs.

[Allinabinbag]

I agree with Blu, this is a grea time for you to illustrate to your boys to take a stand, not join in with being nasty, and not to discriminate or make people feel lesser for their appearance, colour or culture. I would state that openly, give them some examples, help them empathise with the bullied children.

I wouldn't tell them to stay away from the girls, they are young and essentially just mouthing what their mother says, and may change if they are told off by the school (and be mortified later when they grow up and realise what a racist their mothere is). It's also not practical to police who they play with in the playground.

My dd1's best friend's mum is a loud mouthed racist type person (she moved to our area to 'get away' from immigrants, such a shame as my husband is one!!!) I don't engage with her on this issue, she knows to leave well alone, and her daughter is lovely and delightful. I don't think the children of racists should be excluded, if anything it's better to show them inclusion in action.