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or does H just not get it....

(26 Posts)
snaildoodle Mon 11-Jul-11 11:48:24

2 years ago, H had an 'inappropriate relationship' (emotional affair, some physical stuff but he swears not to full sex) with a volunteer at the community centre he manages.

I found out by discovering dodgy text messages on his mobile (long story. I wasn't snooping and had no idea anything was up). He denied for a long time, was finally caught out when he left a letter from her lying around, letter made it clear what had gone on so he had to admit.

To cut a long story short; we went to couples counselling, and committed to working on our relationship. He agreed to three things: one, to let me know when he had to have a meeting with this volunteer and two, that at the end of his contract he wouldn't seek to renew but would look for a job elsewhere, thirdly, that we'd put in our diaries one night out togeher a month.

The first worked for a month or two, I wasn't checking up on him, decided I needed to trust, and he did seem to be telling me whan it was unavoidable that they met up. However, I've just found out (from another of his colleagues who doesn't know) that he has been meeting with this woman frequently over the last few weeks; now I know there is probably a good reason to do with her role, but still, he hasn't mentioned it.
Secondly, his contract finishes in December and this week there were two great jobs advertised locally; better pay, good agencies, etc. I saw him looking at the job section in the paper and asked if he'd spotted the vacancies, but he has just turned round and said he wants to stay where he is, he has changed his mind, and that I need to 'get over one incident that happened ages ago and stop obsessing about it'.
Thirdly: the date thing; we were meant to go out for our wedding anniversary on Friday,(not that he was being very enthusiastic, he just said, oh, we'll go out if you want to) then he remembered he had a work do to attend instead. I said I was disappointed and I'd been looking forward to spending time with him, he said I must be really insecure if we need to go on dates for him to prove he loves me. Which wasn't what I meant at all....
He says I clearly have issues with trust and that i need to have a good think about what my problem is, and need to stop holding a gun to his head by (indirectly) bringing up the affair. Hhhm.

AKMD Mon 11-Jul-11 11:50:29

YANBU. He's been dishonest with you and broken his side of your bargain and is now trying to make it your problem. I'd go back to relationship counselling.

Thingumy Mon 11-Jul-11 11:52:43

agree with akmd

Sound tough for you OP and your dh is certainly not helping regain your trust.

I'd ask him outright if he wants to continue with your marriage.

deemented Mon 11-Jul-11 11:53:09


TBH if it were me i don't think i could trust him again after this.

GeekCool Mon 11-Jul-11 11:56:06

He wouldn't go out on your anniversary, preferring to go to a work do? YADNBU, he is. You seem to be making all the sacrifices here and his insistence that you just get over it, is projecting all the issues on to you and totally unfair.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 11-Jul-11 11:58:17

YANBU... he's obviously only done the counselling to keep you quiet and now he's back to his old tricks. Passing this off as you being suspicous or needy is a classic way to dodge the blame and avoid making changes. I'd also be asking if he wanted to continue the marriage.... Keep a clear head. You'll need it.

ebbandflow Mon 11-Jul-11 12:03:25

Post this on the Relationship section for advice.

MrsTittleMouse Mon 11-Jul-11 12:08:04

I agree, there are a lot of (sadly) very knowledgable women on the Relationships board.

It you want my opinion: Of course you're insecure in your marriage - he took away your security!

purplepidjin Mon 11-Jul-11 12:13:54

YANBU he is trying to blame you for his own inadequacies.

You took him back on certain conditions, he has broken those. He has let you down, broken promises, and betrayed your trust. Don't let yourself be persuaded that you have any fault in this, even if you decide to instigate a split.

Callisto Mon 11-Jul-11 12:15:43

It sounds like he is deliberately being mean to you, I'm sure he 'gets' exactly what he is doing. Has the affair started up again? Is he working up to leaving you?

I would make sure that you have emergency money (especially if you're a SAHM with no income) and be prepared for a conversation that ends with your husband walking out. I'm so sorry - it must be awful to be going through this.

redexpat Mon 11-Jul-11 12:16:58

Back to counselling.

Date nights are necessary in a relationship regardless of what has gone on before. He doesn't sound like he understands how a relationship works.

By anyone's standards I think going to a work thing on your wedding anniversary is pretty low. He doesn't seem to value the marriage as much as you do, or understand what it means to get married. Counselling.

ZillionChocolate Mon 11-Jul-11 12:19:43

YANBU. At all.

thursday Mon 11-Jul-11 12:21:12

of course YANBU, i'd be heartbroken that i'd given him a chance to rebuild the relationship and he appears to have got bored of trying or just doesn't see that what he did was very wrong. surely seeing her in secret, not wanting to make an effort with you and deciding he's staying working there, with her is setting off alarm bells all over the place?

jeckadeck Mon 11-Jul-11 12:27:14

YANBU. As someone else pointed out further up, he took away the trust in the first place with this relationship -- he's the one holding the gun to his head, not you. He can't then expect you to simply turn a blind eye in perpetuity if he continues to remain in contact with this woman and particularly if you are breaking some of the recent terms you have made with him in order to save the relationship. I think you need to put it to him that as things currently stand he's endangering your marriage and if he wants it to work he has to at the very least fall into line with what he originally signed up to. I also think crying off an anniversary to spend time in the scene of the crime, so to speak, is a very bad sign, if you don't mind me saying so. Anyone with an ounce of emotional intelligence would know this was off limits from the get go.

aliceliddell Mon 11-Jul-11 12:27:52

He says you have issues with trust and you need to find out what your problem is?
I take my hat off to this man! Brilliant - this now becomes a problem of your psychology that you need to solve. Truly, we are in the presence of genius. He did this, not you. He needs to sort it out.

addictediam Mon 11-Jul-11 12:30:38

you do have trust issues because HE CHEATED. And as for the date night thing, that's normal in our house. Friday nights are our night wheather we rent a dvd and eat ben and jerries or actually go out and do something every Friday night is our time together.

My parents did it and have been together since they were 14yo! And my grandparents do it and they have recently had their 50th wedding anniversary. I think its a great idea and enables you to spend time as a couple rather than mummy/daddy or an employee.

Yanbu, I would say go back to counciling (sp? sorry) but it doesn't sound like he wants to work at the relationship.

QuietTiger Mon 11-Jul-11 12:30:46

I said I was disappointed and I'd been looking forward to spending time with him, he said I must be really insecure if we need to go on dates for him to prove he loves me. Which wasn't what I meant at all....

YADNBU. Quite apart from the fact that he is actually being very disrespectful of your feelings regarding what happened, he is behaving like a complete prick and that is a whole other kettle of fish, Date nights are an important part of a relationship - they enable you to spend time with just each other and to rediscover each other. Also, once a month is not exactly being demanding of his time, especially as I would guess that he has a M-F job with regular hours?!

Nellythecat Mon 11-Jul-11 12:34:19

I think it was very good of you to have stuck by him in the first place. I'm not sure I could have done.

It sounds to me like he takes you for granted. In his mind he 'got away with' the affair because you're still there to make his dinner etc. So he thinks he can do pretty much whatever he likes. In his situation he should be bending over backwards to make you happy and show you that he's sorry. As he isn't then I doubt that he is sorry, and if he's not already continuing the affair then he won't think twice about doing so in the future.

BlueFergie Mon 11-Jul-11 13:09:13

You should put this in Relationships. I am pretty sure that they will tell you what I am about to.
Your H almost certainly slept with this woman. His pattern has been to deny outright that there is any issue until he was caught out. Then he only admitted to what was in the letter. If it didn't specifically mention sleeping together he wasn't going to own up to it.
He is continuing the pattern now. According to him there is no problem, no issues. You are the one being unreasonable. This is BS he is the one at fault and he has reneged even on the deals he made with you in counselling. I would bet good money that he has resumed the affair (if it ever stopped). He has no respect for you and feels no guilt or shame (which he should do). this more than anything suggests to me he is still in the middle of a relationship with this woman because he has cut himself off from you and your marriage.

You need to decide what you want to do but don't accept his blaming of you or dismissal of your feelings.

SweetGrapes Mon 11-Jul-11 18:02:45

He's going to do it again.
He got caught and had no consequences at all. And now all your issues are just your issues. You're the crazy wife and there is no reason to not do it again.
and yanbu...

LesserOfTwoWeevils Mon 11-Jul-11 19:29:11

He's criticising you for having issues with trust?
Of course you have issues with trust—he showed you he can't be trusted!
He doesn't care how you feel and is trying to make you seem unreasonable so that he can dismiss your feelings.If he were really sorry for what happened the last time he'd be looking for a job, he'd have told you about the meetings with the OW and he'd be willing to discuss the affair when and for as long as you wanted.

Nagini Mon 11-Jul-11 19:33:39


And although bluefergie was really harsh, I do think she might have a valid point.

Sorry OP sad

mumblebum Mon 11-Jul-11 19:39:34

YANBU I'd not just have trust issues I'd have major alarm bells. I'm so sorry.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Mon 11-Jul-11 19:48:59

No matter what crap he tells you, he is the one with trust issues because he is untrustworthy.

Something similar happened to a friend of mine. After she discovered her h's 'inappropriate relationship' with another female, he swore blind that sexual intercourse had not occurred and that he'd ended the non-affair.

To cut an equally long story short they had counselling, a few years went by and she became convinced that his lapse was a one-off.

One fine Saturday she attended a colleague's wedding; came home full of the joys to find that her h had cleared the house of all his worldly goods and had set up home with the other woman whose husband had conveniently died a few months before. Asshole didn't even have the guts to tell my friend to her face.

Your h has broken every one of the 3 conditions he agreed to. If sexual fidelity is important to you you'll find that living with uncertainty and suspicion, coupled with him telling you that you're the one with the problem, will slowly destroy you.

Don't bother pointing a gun at his head; point it at his balls and tell him that either he shapes up or ships out - and mean it.

It may be that he'll ship out but, if he does, at least he won't be taking your self-respect with him.

MrsTittleMouse Mon 11-Jul-11 20:12:23

I wonder if he is attacking you in order to make him feel justified about continuing the relationship. After all, you are so unreasonable, holding a gun to his head about the affair and being so insecure, right? hmm

I'm sorry, this is such a shitty situation for you. You are completely not being unreasonable - there were only three rules for your husband to stick to, he agreed to them and any normal person would agree that they are completely reasonable and necessary for you to rebuild the trust in your relationship. He has broken them all. sad

I would start looking at ways to protect yourself - make sure that he doesn't have access to all your money, get a consultation with a solicitor about separation and divorce, get some cards in your hand. But I understand that it must be so difficult. sad

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