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to be fuming about my FIL and his easily solved problems!

(63 Posts)
hellospoon Mon 11-Jul-11 09:55:48

This is going to be a long one so bare with me.
My FIL lives in a 1 bedroomed over 55's gated community, due to problems with my MIL (another thread) he has my 2 BIL's living with him they are 17 + 21 they do drugs, they drink, don't work or provide a single penny to earn their keep totally scrounge of my FIL. The flat is disgusting and isn't fit for a dog to live in, FIL has been told several times that the boys need to move out as he is breaking the terms of his rental having them both there.

Now back in march FIL went to the doctors about a growth in his privates, it turned out to be cancerous, which has been treated and last week he was given the all clear. Huge relief for everyone most of all him, now me and dp asked FIL to come and live with us. We have the space and really thought this situation required action to be taken to protect his health and to get him out of the pit he lives in.

In december last year FIL took redundancy and got a 20k payout, we were having some issues regarding our housing, and about to be made homeless, FIL lent us £2500 to cover everything we needed to move into a house, ie deposit. Months rent and finalising of old bills and also to get our car fixed, we agreed we would pay him back during 2011 which would provide him with a small income each month, it is now july and he has spent all his redundancy money, all he has to show for it is a washing machine and a cooker. The rest has been spent on drugs, fags and beer and his rent which is £50 a week.
This is the problem: FIL is very depressed and cannot leave his flat for more than hour without having a panic attack, he has been signing on for the last few weeks and is in the process of applying for housing/council tax benefits, he still has the boys with him and has given them 1 months notice to find somewhere else to live (this won't happen). Yesterday he phoned my dp and said he had no food no money and is a week behind on his rent and he wants all of the money we owe him.

Now we have an agreement to pay him back monthly, I am not working at the minute as I am retraining and we barely break even each month. I totally lost my patience with him last night, iv basically told him he needs to get a grip and accept my help in sorting his dire situation out before he is made homeless. So today I have made him a doctors appointment to get ad's for his depression + anxiety, I am taking him to the job centre to sign on, then to the housing office to find out what is happening with his benefits, and then to asda to buy him food. I have refused to just hand over money when he is just going to buy fags and booze for the boys! Aibu to do this?

I have offered him so much help and all I get is oh your not related to me so I don't want to! Aibu to be really fed up of my dp taking the slack for his family?? What else can I do except from getting tough with him?!

kreecherlivesupstairs Mon 11-Jul-11 10:04:49

YANBU. Your BiLs are. Do they pay him any rent for their subletting? Obviously it's against the rules what they are doing but they should be helping out.
No idea with regard to your MiL, is she around anywhere to contribute?

ddubsgirl Mon 11-Jul-11 10:05:45

could you not buy food instead?

LRDTheFeministNutcase Mon 11-Jul-11 10:14:36

YANBU. Tough for you.

Would it be any easier coming from your DP (his son) rather than you? I think it is always harder if they're in-laws rather than parents, if that makes sense.

Your FIL sounds quite 'old' for his age (or maybe that is the impression I get from the mental health issues)? Can you get in touch with the warden/agent for his gated community, or would he not forgive you?

stilldazed Mon 11-Jul-11 10:14:53

so, you're not working and you drove him to the job centre....nice.

LRDTheFeministNutcase Mon 11-Jul-11 10:17:49

still, she's retraining, she's not sitting on her arse! And presumably he would need a job/disability pay even if she didn't owe the money, so what's the issue?

I think the money owed is a red herring, tba. Clearly your FIL has some quite serious mental health issues, and his sons are taking advantage on him. He needs help and it is good you are there to get him to a doctor's - how much more you can do without destroying your relationship with him is hard to know.

hellospoon Mon 11-Jul-11 10:23:56

kreecher nope they pay him nothing, the 17 year old is at college, for how long no-one knows however the other one just sits and takes everything from FIL. MIL is an awful woman who has nothing to do with any of her kids and won't help us sort this out.

ddubs I am taking him to asda after the job centre today to buy food so he is stocked up.

lrd he is 65, but is very old for his age if you know what I mean? I think I will do that actually, I think I am past the point of worrying if he won't like me for it, I just want him to be ok and sorted. So I guess cruel to be kind.

stilldazed maybe you should read my op again? Did you miss the bit where I put I am re-training? I am training as a childminder, I gave up work about a month ago so we could save on childcare fees and so I could do something to better our family. I am driving FIL to the job centre so I can support him when he signs on today.

hellospoon Mon 11-Jul-11 10:23:57

kreecher nope they pay him nothing, the 17 year old is at college, for how long no-one knows however the other one just sits and takes everything from FIL. MIL is an awful woman who has nothing to do with any of her kids and won't help us sort this out.

ddubs I am taking him to asda after the job centre today to buy food so he is stocked up.

lrd he is 65, but is very old for his age if you know what I mean? I think I will do that actually, I think I am past the point of worrying if he won't like me for it, I just want him to be ok and sorted. So I guess cruel to be kind.

stilldazed maybe you should read my op again? Did you miss the bit where I put I am re-training? I am training as a childminder, I gave up work about a month ago so we could save on childcare fees and so I could do something to better our family. I am driving FIL to the job centre so I can support him when he signs on today.

stilldazed Mon 11-Jul-11 10:35:16

get a part time job, bring some money in before critising others for getting a free ride off your FIL.

How does this look to other members of the family? you're not working (however you dress it up) and have taken a sizable loan from your FIL.I'm just saying there are two sides to everything.

I've studied and worked part time with dcs, its tough but thats life!

LRDTheFeministNutcase Mon 11-Jul-11 10:36:01

Yes, I think you probably have to - he obviously needs help and it sounds as if he is not really in a fit state to recognize how bad things have got. sad

Can your DH say anything to his brothers? I really think that is a job for him, not you!

The only thing I do wonder is, is your FIL actually in a fit state too sign on? If you take him to the GP appointment maybe you could ask the GP if that's the best option or if he is to incapacitated to work.

Sewmuchtodo Mon 11-Jul-11 10:38:33

OP, if your fil moves in with you is this to be a permenant arrangement? Only if he gives up his home he may struggle to get another, especially for £50 a week. Is there no way the landlord/trust could evict the boys?

EricNorthmansMistressOfPotions Mon 11-Jul-11 10:45:51

How come he has to sign on if he's 65? Isn't that pension age?

Poor you OP, you are a very supportive and lovely DIL. Maybe you he needs to find out what help the council would give to his feckless sons if he kicked them out - they might get housed, unless MIL could have them.

M0naLisa Mon 11-Jul-11 10:51:13

shouldnt he be getting pension at 65?

hellospoon Mon 11-Jul-11 10:59:22

stilldazed seriously? You don't know about my circumstances. I was working part time when FIL helped us out (stopped us from being homeless) and due to different reasons that has now changed. You are looking at things very black and white and being very offensive to me.

sew well, we want him to move in with us to get the boys out of his flat and then we will get him rehoused hopefully, if not so be it.

FIL is 64 sorry, he is 65 in january, he has filled the forms for his pension but cannot get it untill jan when he is 65. Apologies I got the age wrong. I really want to help him the best I can, my dp is very laid back and sometimes need a kick to get him into gear!

The other problem is, proving he doesn't have all this money still as it has been frittered away.

hellospoon Mon 11-Jul-11 10:59:22

stilldazed seriously? You don't know about my circumstances. I was working part time when FIL helped us out (stopped us from being homeless) and due to different reasons that has now changed. You are looking at things very black and white and being very offensive to me.

sew well, we want him to move in with us to get the boys out of his flat and then we will get him rehoused hopefully, if not so be it.

FIL is 64 sorry, he is 65 in january, he has filled the forms for his pension but cannot get it untill jan when he is 65. Apologies I got the age wrong. I really want to help him the best I can, my dp is very laid back and sometimes need a kick to get him into gear!

The other problem is, proving he doesn't have all this money still as it has been frittered away.

SuePurblybilt Mon 11-Jul-11 11:02:42

If he moves in with you and is using drugs, drinking and smoking, I should think that'll affect your childminding plans (presuming you're hoping to be home based).

WriterofDreams Mon 11-Jul-11 11:06:27

It sounds like your FIL is very unwell. People who are very depressed can behave in what seems to be very irresponsible ways when in fact they are just not able to cope day to day and so things get out of hand. You are doing your very best for him but helping someone in his situation is extremely tough. Have you talked to him about his situation? Does he realise what a pickle he's in?

OTheHugeManatee Mon 11-Jul-11 11:10:21

stilldazed are you for real? The OP is retraining so she can get better work, and meanwhile is putting herself out to try and help her (apparently pretty chaotic) FIL sort himself out, rather than just handing over cash that'll just get wasted.

On what planet do these circumstances deserve a hostile and judgy reaction? confused

LRDTheFeministNutcase Mon 11-Jul-11 11:13:09

Sorry, I'm not quite clear: is it the BILs who are the drug-users or is your FIL one too? I have to say, if he is I think writer has a good point, sadly.

Is he self-medicating for the depression?

featherbag Mon 11-Jul-11 11:45:16

I think you're going way above and beyond the call of duty tbh - where is your DP in all of this? I can understand why you're doing all of this, and think it's laudable, but your DP needs a kick up the arse to get more involved with his own family!

stilldazed, you're really coming across as a nasty piece of work. why don't you go back to polishing your halo if you really can't think of anything helpful to say to the op?

piprabbit Mon 11-Jul-11 11:50:14

I'm shock that your FIL has been able to allow his DSs to live with him at all.
3 adult men living in a 1 bed flat, and the flat in a gated community for older people - they must be so unpopular with the other residents.

TheProvincialLady Mon 11-Jul-11 11:53:24

I think you need to step back a bit from his problems and accept that he is an adult and you can't run his life for him. By all means talk to him about the best way to pay him HIS money back, but you cannot withhold repaying a debt because you don't approve of how the money will be spent. It is not your money, it is his. And TBH whilst your own financial and housing situation is so precarious, I don't think you are in a position to save him. As someone else said, if living in your home didn't work out then FIL will be in an even more insecure position.

MissMiaowington Mon 11-Jul-11 11:59:58

What is the housing in your area like? If FiL moves out of his flat, is he likely to find another one if he needs to?

If he wants you to butt out now, I can't see how living with you would improve the situation to be honest. Is he happy with his independence?

You are clearly a very good DiL, but if this man doesn't want your help, by forcing it upon him you are making him give away his indepence, and will be teaching him learned helpnessless.

If he does decide to accept your help, getting him to the GP is a must, it sounds as though he should be signed off sick as he does not sound well. The drug and alcohol issues need to be addressed, as does the depression. I presume the cancer has been dealt with.

I would stick to the agreement you had in regards to paying him back. If you have any extra, pay him that too, as a gesture. The boot is on the other foot now, and he is the one how needs financial help. Doing his shopping will not help in the long run, unless he is past the point of productive help.

Good luck.

SenoritaViva Mon 11-Jul-11 12:37:06

Crikey a difficult situation. I know people are talking about repaying his money but that is what you are doing, as per your agreement. If he has blown 17,500k this year and his rent is only £50 per week then that is HIS responsibility and I can see exactly why you aren't going to settle the bill immediately as he'll just go and blow that.

Secondly, due to points above, I would definitely be buying food rather than just giving money.

Thirdly, I think you and your DH need to come up with a plan. Can you really offer him a place to stay? I am just asking because, once you are retrained as a CM, is he an appropriate adult to have hanging around the house with other people's children, or if I was a prospective parent would he put me off?

I would say this is a case of leading a horse to water but not being able to make them drink IYSWIM.

Bleak for you.

cookcleanerchaufferetc Mon 11-Jul-11 12:47:33

Sorry but from what you say, there is no way on earth I would leave a child with you as a CM if you have your FIL staying with you. It will affect your job if he is a drug user. Sorry if I have misunderstood but it sounds like you need to provide assistance from afar - take him shopping, to job centre etc but not live with you. Can you not get the warden at his flat to kick the BILS out? Where is the MIL?

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