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To hope for a cup of tea?

(22 Posts)
RedGreenBlue Mon 11-Jul-11 00:38:11

So, I make the vast majority in the house, which is fine and always "communal" (ie never make one without offering to anyone else who is in). But when I'm sorting things in the lounge and DW is off to bed, aibu to hope that, while she's making herself a cuppa, she might offer me one?

I also can't decide if it would be better for her to have just forgotten me, or thought "shall I make him one? Nah, fuck it".

Pandemoniaa Mon 11-Jul-11 00:52:25

The former. Although the third, and worst case would be to bring you that much wanted cup of tea. But only after she'd sugared it with Paraquat.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Mon 11-Jul-11 02:14:04

Some folk go onto automatic pilot during the countdown to bedtime, and maybe your dw has simply got into the unthinking habit of making herself a final cuppa before climbing the wooden stairs?

When you hear the familiar clatter coming from the direction of the kitchen simply call out 'Please make one for me, honey' or similar and, given time, it could be that making a cuppa for you will become second nature to her

iscream Mon 11-Jul-11 05:04:31

Yanbu, but it is a behavior (hers) that can be changed.
'Please make one for me, honey' or similar
sounds the way to go.
I almost always ask my dh or ds if they would like a cup of tea whenever I make one, although they say no 99% of the time. Sometimes I don't, but only because they usually don't want anything unless it is breakfast time.

rubyrubyruby Mon 11-Jul-11 06:06:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RedGreenBlue Mon 11-Jul-11 08:58:01

Panda I'm wondering if the latter is better - at least it acknowledges that I'm there, if only in a negative way.

The OP sounds minor and petty I know, but it's kind of symptomatic of a wider feeling that, once DS is in bed for the night and the house had been tidied up, I may as well be mothballed and stored away in a cupboard until the following morning.

skinnychai Mon 11-Jul-11 09:08:09

YANBU. The little things are important and not petty.

Punkatheart Mon 11-Jul-11 09:25:55

The power does not lie with the TV control but the teamaking. My OH makes tea. Always.

I once went for a job interview and the first thing I was shown was the coffee machine and then given instructions on how people liked their coffee.

I said:

'Let's get this straight. Just because I am a woman, I do not scurry and serve men. You will make your own coffee and sometimes, make me one too.'

I got the job! I have balls! I DON"T MAKE TEA.

HelloKlitty Mon 11-Jul-11 09:32:41 DH does this to me! It is so selfish! He always accepts my offers of tea and regularly makes just one for himself.

I do think its beccause in his childhood home everyone just made their miine if you made one you HAD to ask the entire houshold if they wanted one...which meant making 6 cups. Now in my mind DH could make 2 cups with no bother....I am working on him.

HelloKlitty Mon 11-Jul-11 09:34:03

Punk I am horrified at your information....I thought I had the power..I have the rmote but I make the frigging tea! He's bastard-well DUPED me!

HerbWoman Mon 11-Jul-11 10:25:36

I think my DH regularly thinks I just make myself one when what actually happens is that I ask him if he wants one, he doesn't, but then it takes me an hour to get round to making myself one as I get distracted very easily. By then he has finished what he was doing and come into the kitchen to find me making tea and he thinks I haven't offered him one. Could this be happening with your DW, OP? Did she maybe offer you one earlier which you didn't fancy at the time, but not get round to making her own until later?

Punkatheart Mon 11-Jul-11 10:46:12

HelloKlitty - you must rise up and abandon the teabag, put down the milk and ignore the kettle.


(Tired now)

RedGreenBlue Mon 11-Jul-11 11:06:41

HerbWoman no, it went along the lines of the following. DW in italics:

[Scene: me sat in lounge going through receipts/mixed junk and sorting out]

"Right, I'm off to bed"
"Okay, be up in a bit"
[Brief pause as my gaze settles on the cup in DW's hand]
"Oh, I didn't make you one because I didn't know if you were coming up to bed yet"
"Hang on"
"What difference does that make?"
"What difference does it make if I was going to bed or not? I might still have wanted a cup"
"Oh, well I didn't really think about it"
[DW exits stage left for the stairs]

I guess what pisses me off the more is that after that exchange, there was no suggestion of DW offering to make me one now she'd realised she'd forgotten (if it was actually forgetfulness rather than selfishness). I may not have actually wanted one (I did), but I suspect that in her mind the equation was simple:

I could either (a) offer to make a tea, or (b) not
(a) runs the risk of him saying yes, and I'll have to go and do it;
(b) means I definitely don't. He might be a bit put out, but fuck it - I'll be in bed by then.

Which, y'know, doesn't leave me feeling particularly cherished.

HerbWoman Mon 11-Jul-11 11:42:54

Hmm. In which case no, YANBU. I'd have made you one at the end of that.

ValtnSinegar Mon 11-Jul-11 17:13:16


Refusing to make any cups of tea tonight as a protest would be petty and solve nothing, but it's what I'd do...

carabos Mon 11-Jul-11 19:08:13

Red - this isn't really about the tea is it?

missmalteser Mon 11-Jul-11 19:16:35

YANBU for wanting tea, but you have obviously BU at some point to warrant the non making of the tea! ;) Seriously tho it does sound like this is DW's passive aggressive way of telling you something, now you just need to figure out what.

RedGreenBlue Mon 11-Jul-11 19:42:45

Was just about to ask what carabos thought it might be, but is it what malteser said?

I don't do mind games very well, so guessing what it might be is unlikely to yield any positive results.

missmalteser Mon 11-Jul-11 19:55:36

Well mine and Carabos' answers are the same really, the non tea sounds to be the symptom of a bigger problem, DW is choosing to try to get her point across in the least effective way, now its a waiting game, unless you ASK, tho be prepared for the old "well if you dont know by now there's no point me telling you" line lol

RedGreenBlue Mon 11-Jul-11 20:25:41

Nah, that wouldn't work. I'd just get told it was nothing, DW was tired, change of subject and grief if I try to go back to it.

I don't really get the chance to have a good talk about us really, even something like this.

RedGreenBlue Mon 11-Jul-11 22:49:45

Woohoo! Cup of tea!

I still reckon there's much more we need to sort out between us (once we can find the time and willingness to talk), but for now...

brew smile Aaaahhhh.

HerbWoman Tue 12-Jul-11 16:36:56

Glad you got one in the end, and hope you manage to get some time to talk before too long.

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