I'm really open to both sides of the argument on this one.
My cousin has learning difficulties, hearing loss, depression and generally has a lot of difficultly making friends and maintaining good relations. She's a quite attractive but very vulnerable young adult, very poor understanding and possibly on the autistic spectrum. No friends to speak of, very lonely life out of work. She is pretty difficult at times/
She met an older boy (about 7 years older, late twenties). Not a great catch tbh but seemed harmless so as a family we were happy for them as she was a lot less lonely. The two families are loosely connected by friends/ church. Not quite sure what he found in her privately considering their differences, but happy for them.
Her own MH has been rockier over the 1st year or two, depressive and rather manic of late at times. Clingy and needy too. He's dumped her and she's been a mess, to the point of taking her to see the psych team at the local hospital. Screaming in the street and been picked up by by police, lashing out at family and threatening self-harm.
She has made a number of accusations since about him mis-treating her, messing with her head etc. Includes 'forced' sex or slapping her out of the blue. He has behaved VERY unusually in the middle of all this, sometimes mute, other times seemingly without feelings, other times blaming her, then wanting her back and needy. Seems very much unable to cope and erractic.
Seemed to us to have MH problems of his own.
My sister mentioned this to a friend at church who said he wasn't surprised, he'd met my cousin's ex in a psych hospital when he was sectioned. He's a paranoid schizophrenic. Suddenly it seems like it adds up, that maybe my cousin isn't exaggerating his behaviour as she's been dumped and is angry.
We as a family, and she, have been open about her MH problems, LD and medication (which we've now found out he binned it all as 'it's a way they control you'). We spoke to his family (neither cousin nor ex are really in a place to get much out of) and they confirmed it's true, and his dad said he's worried because stress is a trigger for his son and 'this time he could get locked up for good'. No more info offered. Now we're wondering WHAT has happened between them, my cousin is very unstable and we don't know he if was ever a threat to her?
AIBU to think that in a three year relationship someone should have at least guided him to tell her his past? Especially considering she's very vulnerable, to the point of having trouble expressing herself clearly or explaining/ understanding situations. His family knew both sides of the situation and are quick to get involved in the relationship for their sons benefit, e.g. late night phonecalls to pick cousin up or telling her to stay away for periods. At times they've been pretty callous, telling her things like she's perfect and lucky and selfishly takes advantage of their vulnerable son. She gets upset but doesn't have the ability to argue this out with them and point out she has her own problems and far from has it perfect (their son went to uni and has a wide social circle, unlike her).
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AIBU?
To think MH issues could be disclosed in a very long term relationship?
10 replies
JacksonPollocks · 10/07/2011 18:06
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