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To think I should be "allowed" out with my male friend?

(101 Posts)
ComedyandTragedy Sun 10-Jul-11 07:40:13

I have a work friend who is a gay male. He's also a social butterfly so tends to arrange loads of nights/days outs with an array of different people. He's one of these people that texts and calls quite a lot but to me this is no different than a female friend calling/texting however DP HATES him (although they've never met) and swears he's just pretending to be gay to get closer to women!! Everytime he texts me DP says "oh for fucks sake, what does that tosser want now? you don't need to have anything to do with him anymore now that he's moved to a different department so why do you entertain him??" but he's just a friend and I don't see why I shouldn't have anything to do with him. He's funny, sweet, helpful and yeah - a bit of a drama queen but couldn't I be talking about any one of my female friends here??

So anyway he invited me to a BBQ at his house along with 20 other people. DP was not pleased and went out of his way to make sure I couldn't go (he booked us tickets for a show that night knowing I wouldn't waste the money/tickets). Then we went out for a leaving do and this bloke happened to be there, DP was furious and tried to make out that he had "Mussled in" on plans to get near the women. I enjoyed that night out anyway but DP tried to make me promise I wouldn't go out with him again.

Anyway I have just been invited to another BBQ at his house, again along with loads of other people (so its hardly one on one!!). I told DP I'm going so he said "great, the sooner he fucks off back to Manchester the better".

Now the one that has really caused problems is that I got an invite to Gay Pride in the local park from this bloke. It would basically be a case of sitting in the sun for a few hours, watching the festivities, few drinks and then home before 6pm. I really wanted to go and DP said "You better not go to gay pride with him, you shouldn't be going ANYWHERE with him. what a fucking tosser, I detest him!" he then suggested that he and his mate meet up with my friend which was basically a threat of violence since his mate is pretty homophobic and always up for a fight.

AIBU to think that although he's male, I should be able to go out and have fun with him as a friend like I would any other female friend??

Goblinchild Sun 10-Jul-11 07:43:00

I think your DP comes across as controlling and jealous and you need to sort out a few ground rules. To talk about 'being allowed' to do anything by your partner is odd.
How long have you been with this immature and possessive man?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 10-Jul-11 07:44:00

YANBU... But if your DP is insecure in himself, jealous of your friendship, detests the man or is uncomfortable with the homosexual lifestyle in general then you're going to meet resistance. Relationships are always about compromise... otherwise if it's a case of who do want to choose, your friend or your DP, which would you plump for?

SquidgyBiscuits Sun 10-Jul-11 07:44:25

Erm, no YANBU!!

You should be friends with whoever you choose. I'd understand if he had actually done something to upset your DP, but it seems that your DP has major trust issues. Even if this guy was just "pretending" to be gay - so what?? Your DP should trust you regardless. And as for being "allowed" to see him - WTF???

itisnearlysummer Sun 10-Jul-11 07:44:58

It sounds like your husband is jealous that you might be having more fun with this other man than you are with him.

Is he generally insecure? Do you spend as much time with female friends as you do with this friend.

Perhaps he's worried you're going to be tempted to dip your toe in other waters, so to speak...

ComedyandTragedy Sun 10-Jul-11 07:45:46

I see my female friends much more than this bloke to be fair.

DuelingFanjo Sun 10-Jul-11 07:46:05

yanbu, dump him.

itisnearlysummer Sun 10-Jul-11 07:48:41

Could you be neglecting your relationship in favour of spending time having fun with your friends then?

I think your DH is being a bit U btw, just trying to see it from his perspective!

Georgimama Sun 10-Jul-11 07:50:43

Your partner sounds controlling, homophobic and generally unpleasant. Does he have any good points?

ShoutyHamster Sun 10-Jul-11 07:52:28

Your 'D'P is jealous, controlling and basially homophobic, then?

It's not the friend I'd be dumping...

Goblinchild Sun 10-Jul-11 07:54:55

I've got hetrosexual male friends who are single!
I go out with them on a regular basis!
Sometimes...I even stay overnight!
What do you think your OH would do in that situation? Mine has always accepted and trusted, as I do with him. We have different spheres of interest and friends that are linked to them.

AKissIsNotAContract Sun 10-Jul-11 08:00:03

Pretty shocking that your DPs mate is a violent homophobe. The pair of them sound awful. Have you been with your DP long?

pigletmania Sun 10-Jul-11 08:01:27

It does sound a little controlling, and distrustful, my dh would not mind a bit as he would not like to go either. My dh is a bit quiet and a homebody so if he had his way he would stay at home all the time, I go out with my friends occasionally whilst dh looks after dd.

kreecherlivesupstairs Sun 10-Jul-11 08:04:23

I am the same as Goblinchild, well not now, but in Switzerland and Thailand I would stay over at the flats of male friends, some of whom weren't gay.
OP, your DP sounds the fucking tosser. what a catch. Not.

RustyBear Sun 10-Jul-11 08:07:25

Have you ever tried suggesting he stops seeing his homophobic violent mate?

MadEyeMoodTEE2072 Sun 10-Jul-11 08:12:59

Have you tried suggesting your partner should admit he's jealous and (very likely) deep in the closet?

Either that or stuck in the 18th C. Pretending to be gay to get women?!? Seriously!??!?! Who thinks like that these days except homophobes and Neanderthals.

And I wouldn't be with someone I had to have 'approve' my friends.

pinklizzie Sun 10-Jul-11 08:16:40

YOU REALLY NEED TO EXAMINE WHY YOUR SELF ESTEEM IS SUCH THAT YOU HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE WHO IS HOMOPHOBIC AND WHO IS CONTROLLING AND CAN NOT HANDLE YOU HAVING OTHER FRIENDS. HOW BELITTLING.

LIVE YOUR OWN LIFE.

Goblinchild Sun 10-Jul-11 08:21:39

Do you think shouting at the OP is going to help Pinklizzie?

hocuspontas Sun 10-Jul-11 08:21:57

I agree that YANBU but for some reason he feels threatened. Have you thought about how you would feel if the situation was reversed? I.e. he had a close gay female friend. If her name came up a lot, would you have some niggling doubts? Especially if they were always having a fun time together. I don't like the sound of violence, that sounds like a right tosser talking. Maybe it's all in the approach. You are obviously aware of his dislike of your friend so when his name comes up maybe your attitude is on the defensive already? Good luck anyway.

LaurieFairyCake Sun 10-Jul-11 08:25:48

He's very homophobic.

He's threatened to gang up on your friend and beat him up.

Leave him - you deserve better. I agree he sounds 'threatened' but who wants to me with someone so emotionally stunted and controlling?

pinklizzie Sun 10-Jul-11 08:29:51

sorry should have written in lower case. He does sound really awful OP.

MoonGirl1981 Sun 10-Jul-11 08:30:30

Any chance your partner is gay too?

Only ask because I had a boyfriend who hated gay people, wouldn't go near them (awkward as my flatmate was gay), made hideous comments, etc.

He now has a boyfriend of his own. I'm happy for him but I still roll my eyes at the stuff he used to say.

Then again, he may just be really, really jealous.

Piggles Sun 10-Jul-11 08:38:03

Let me put it this way, if my DH thought he could decide who I was and wasn't going to be friends with (regardless of their sex/sexuality/relationship status) and essentially threatened violence against my friend if I didn't fall into line with what he wanted... well, I absolutely would be looking for a divorce. Not acceptable behavior.

Have a biscuit for your 'D'P.

Carminagetsprimal Sun 10-Jul-11 08:40:00

Yanbu - but you have to put the relationship with your partner first and your social life second. ( I would if I valued the relationship )

As for the possiblity that your partner is gay - he could be. Being so in denial can make you say strange things. But it's unlikely. More a case of insecurity and a bit jealous I'd say.

dreamingbohemian Sun 10-Jul-11 08:41:50

I'm sorry, but your DH is a massive homophobic twat. It doesn't matter what his issues are, his behaviour is completely unacceptable.

Keep the friend, lose the DH!

Do you have DC, or are you planning to? What if you have a son who turns out to be gay? Will your husband's friend come over and 'sort him out'?

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