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To stop communicating with this person?

(18 Posts)
Mare11bp Sat 09-Jul-11 23:28:47

Right, I am preparing to be flamed.....

Three and a bit years ago, was introduced to someone who was pregnant at same time as me, we met through DP's work. As coincidence would have it we are both pregnant again.

We got relatively friendly, but not really close friends I would say. Just met up now and again with respective children. I also helped her out with a financial matter that she and her DH had, because I had a bit of experience with that kind of thing.

I had to start limiting the contact because her DS was becoming so aggressive towards my DS, i am not talking the occasional shove or slap either, once she came over and in an hour there were three serious incidents including my son being jumped on and punched repeatedly before I ran over and intervened. My issue with it apart from the obvious was that she wasn't really disciplining him properly for it, hence it continued. My DP saw it for himself on one occasion, he is a laid back soul but even he said he was unhappy with our sons playing again.

Shortly before all this happened my DP was approached by another person he worked with who I don't know as well who said that this person was hounding her to meet up all the time and she felt that this person was becoming too much, bordering on being a stalker. I had started to feel like this too.

She was being very needy, if I didn't reply to a text within a couple of hours she would ring me. Then on one occasion I said I had bad pregnancy hormones (true) was feeling antisocial (true) and would text her when I felt ready to meet up. Less than a week later she text me again and basically said her DS really wanted to meet up with my DS and when could we meet up again? I felt annoyed she was bringing the kids into it and wondered if it was designed to make me feel guilty (I did).

There is more to this than just that but this is a shortened version if you haven't fallen asleep already.

So I eventually broke off all contact and stopped answering messages. She sent me lots of messages before realising and then sent me one last arsey message. Can't say I blame her. I feel so cowardly but I couldn't be straight with her. Firstly because I genuinely feel it would add fuel to the fire, and possibly not stop the texts, but secondly because she is not the most discreet of individuals and was sure that had I been honest, she would have told everybody at work (we both work for large organisations that work together at times).

AIBU?

Maelstrom Sat 09-Jul-11 23:35:54

Not unreasonable to want to stop seeing her but bloody paranoid to think she is stalking you just because she is trying to contact you. Obviously, she doesn't realise how little you like the behaviour of his son, but tbh you seem more scary than she does. sorry.

AlabamaWorley Sat 09-Jul-11 23:35:57

YANBU

Leave as is.

Mare11bp Sat 09-Jul-11 23:38:31

Happy to accept your opinion Maelstrom didn't want to go too much into the content of the texts in my post, think I may have said enough already!

AgentZigzag Sat 09-Jul-11 23:39:10

In an ideal world you should have said something, but sometimes it's better to leave things to peter out in a natural way than make a point of ending the friendship.

She must have wondered what she'd done if you'd been friends for a while.

A week's not that long between texts. When was the last time you heard from her?

And did you ever bring up the way you thought her DS behaved?

AgentZigzag Sat 09-Jul-11 23:40:13

I didn't think you sounded scary, just concerned and trying to get perspective on it.

moaningminniewhingesagain Sat 09-Jul-11 23:41:28

YANBU. As adults I think it is pretty normal to just let the friendship fizzle out and die quietly if you are not keen.

What else would you do - say I don't want to be your friend anymore? Like you are an 8yosmile

Mare11bp Sat 09-Jul-11 23:42:38

Last weekend got texts Friday, Saturday Monday. All about meeting up.

I think my issue was that I told her I would be in touch when ready but she text me again within a matter of days. Not how are you feeling etc it was just when are we meeting up?

I didn't take up matter of child's behaviour, we were not close close friends and didn't feel it my place to criticise her parenting skills. Would be upset if someone did that to me.

SmilingHappyBeaver Sat 09-Jul-11 23:42:49

YANBU.

Regardless of the issues between you and her (she sounds very insecure), watching my DS being physically hurt by another child whose parent looked on and did nothing, would be the dealbreaker for me.

Mare11bp Sat 09-Jul-11 23:43:30

Thanks Agent promise I am not scary.

Numberfour Sat 09-Jul-11 23:43:57

YANBU. Life is too short (my first cliche of the day). If you don't want to spend time with her then don't. Your DS comes first.

differentnameforthis Sat 09-Jul-11 23:50:17

YANBU, but to expect her to stop wanting to meet up with you when she has no idea how you feel about the relationship is daft.

Mare11bp Sat 09-Jul-11 23:52:31

differentnameforthis I had no such expectations at all. I wouldn't expect anything different because like you say, I had given her no explanation.

MilyP Sat 09-Jul-11 23:56:51

YANBU
Only you can know when someone is being too clingy and too much for you, so if you feel that way best not to get in contact again.

But if you think her boy was behaving aggressively and violently towards your boy then I don't see why you shouldn't comment on that? It is unreasonable for her not to have done anything herself to try and stop his behaviour.

Mare11bp Sat 09-Jul-11 23:59:58

To be fair she told him off each time but there were not really any consequences to it. Like time out, removing a favourite toy or taking him home. I would perhaps do one of these following a warning.

Yes with hindsight should have said something.

squidgysmum Sun 10-Jul-11 00:07:21

YANBU- if you feel uncomfortable around this woman then she isn't a friend. I had a situation like this last year with a woman I met on another forum I use- never met up as she lives miles away but she used to send gifts in the post for ds & I, phone me 10 times a day- if I didn't answer my mobile she would phone the landline & vice versa, wanted me to sit on Yahoo Messenger all day talking to her about twaddle.

Got more & more uncomfortable about the situation but didn't know how to say anything as she had obviously been kind to ds & I. It all blew up one day because I disagreed with something she said about my life & it ended up in a huge row, I told her to leave me alone and returned all the gifts she had sent. I ended up having to change both my mobile and house number because she was constantly calling & only stopped when I threatened her with the police.

She still adds me as a friend on fb occasionally but she's got no chance! The stuff she said to me was pretty nasty and she came across as pretty unhinged.

I guess I was lucky that it wasn't someone who could come knock on my door whenever they wanted- my advice would be send her a text, you can either tell a white lie and say that you just don't have time to meet up right now, or you can tell her the truth and say you don't want to be friends with her anymore- you may get a bit of backlash but a threat to get the police involved will probably put paid to that one.

Good luck!

Mare11bp Sun 10-Jul-11 00:13:21

Gosh, your situation sounds awful. Hope it's all sorted now.

squidgysmum Sun 10-Jul-11 00:17:47

Also, I wouldn't put too much emphasis on the discipline (or lack of) issues with her ds- I think we can all be guilty of being very defensive when it comes to our kids and our role as a parent and you could make a bad situation worse. x

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