I am but I can't stop wanting to be

[Rosebud05]

Situation is friend of dh invited us to a bbq next weekend with 2 months notice. They offered a very narrow selection of dates as they're very busy. We agreed to one, but I did feel a bit pinned down.

Background is old school friend of dh, used to see a lot of each other, only contact they've had over the past 5 years is when I've chivvied; I've probably only met him 5 times and his dw 3 times since they met 6 years ago. My dh doesn't actually like him very much tbh and they wouldn't be in contact if all communications had been left to him.

We've now been invited to an event on the same day by some close friends of mine who I haven't seen for ages and want to catch up with.

I know it's mean, but I want to apologise to dh's friend and suggest that we make another time (occasion only involves us and isn't an event) and go the one-off event we've been invited to. I am usually a 'keep to my word' sort of person so don't know why I don't want to on this occasion - maybe because I actually like my friends (and so does dh) and we could arrange another time for a get together with his friend?

I know we should go to see dh's friends but tbh I feel resentful about missing our on the event.

[squeakytoy]

why would you go to visit someone who one of you hardly knows, and the other barely likes?

I would think up a good excuse to not go, and ring them this weekend, so they have enough warning..

[worraliberty]

only contact they've had over the past 5 years is when I've chivvied

Why would you do that if your DH doesn't even like him?

[Rosebud05]

I know. We visited earlier this year when they had their first baby, and were invited to a house-warming party (which we couldn't make) a couple of years ago and that's the extent of contact tbh.

I sort of think people should stay in touch with their 'old friends' unless there's a reason not to, so have encouraged it, but I don't have much in common with them. Nothing against them, just find conversation a bit of a struggle.

[PaisleyLeaf]

Why chivvy your dh into contact with someone he doesn't particularly like?

[Rosebud05]

worra, because he's my dh's only school friend and, like many men, doesn't have that many friends.

[PuppyMonkey]

What does chivvied mean?

[BelleDameSansMerci]

I think you have a reason not to stay in touch - you have nothing in common and your DH doesn't like his "friend" much.

[Rosebud05]

Suggested, followed up suggestion, followed up suggestion again

you get the picture.

[skybluepearl]

what event have you been invited to?

[Pancakeflipper]

I bet the DW would be secretly applauding if you give back word on this BBQ. Bet she's dreading it..

Be rude, make excuses, skip off with your real friends. This will probably ensure you don't get another invite. And how disappointed would you be with that?

But I hear my mother tutting in my head as I type this. Yeah yeah, you should fulfill this outstanding invite. But go on, be very naughty.

[skybluepearl]

you could just say sorry that weekend is a bit difficult now and rearrange - although maybe you shouldn't bother if you don't like them!! Sooner is better than later.

[PuppyMonkey]

Thank you. Chivvied. That's a new one on me.

Pretend you're ill on day of original event, go to the one you want to attend - how would they know?

[ratspeaker]

chivvied is nagged

Why keep in touch with someone you were at school with if you've nothing left in common?
and You dont particularly like them?
People grow and change, some friends you only keep in touch with by Xmas card, if at all
why make you all miserable?
sounds like they may be just as relieved if you cancell

[EndoplasmicReticulum]

I dunno. You're kind of passing them off because a better offer has come up, right?
If you really didn't want to go to the barbeque, better to say so at the time, weeks ago? It's more honest.

Could barbeque couple come to the "event" too?

[Rosebud05]

It's a big, once yearly picnic where there will be a lot of people I know who I won't see for ages because people will go away for the summer etc.

I knew it would be in July sometime (though date only finalised this week) which was why I felt a bit pinned down a couple of months ago.

I know a picnic isn't a big deal and I could miss it, but I do feel a bit resentful about having been slotted into someone's diary for a bbq so far in advance.

[Rosebud05]

Yes, it is a better offer and I would like to ask them to postpone.

It wouldn't really work to ask them to come to the picnic, as it would be a way for them to travel, they wouldn't know anyone and would, tbh, have very little common ground with other people there.

[MorticiaAddams]

That's a hard one as I would feel obligated to attend the bbq but would really want to go to the picnic.

I think I might be inclined to let bbq people down by pretending the picnic date had been planned for ages but I hadn't put it on the calendar. I know that it's the wrong thing to do but it doesn't sound as though anyone will enjoy the bbq.

I'd then just let contact go with dh's friend.

[Niecie]

YABU to make your husband meet up with somebody he doesn't like much. Not sure why you would do that really - if your DH isn't bothered nor should you be. He doesn't have to be friends with people he went to school with if he has nothing in common with them any more. Men aren't worried about that sort of thing. My DH is the same but I don't make him track down old school friends for the sake of it.

YABU to cancel the BBQ now because you shouldn't mess people around but on the other hand I don't know why you accepted the invitation in the first place. Can you actually now go to the BBQ with good grace and make an attempt at enjoying yourself or will you sit there wishing you were somewhere else? If you can't, you might as well cancel and go out with your friends.

[Rosebud05]

I wondered if they would be relieved if we cancelled, as they've got a young baby and are very busy (have I mentioned that?)

I don't mind going to them for a bbq, but I did feel a bit resentful about being pinned down so far in advance for their convenience.

[skybluepearl]

we only book well in advance too - we have quite hectic lives and organising is the only way we can fit everything in. I can't really see the problem with having a far off date in your diary for BBQ.

couldn't you have avoided a july date for BBQ if you knew there might be a picnic during that month?

[Rosebud05]

I haven't made dh track down old school friends for the sake of it.

They used to be close until 6 years ago or so, their friendship waned, and I encouraged dh to keep in touch during the period when his friend's dad died suddenly (my dh also knew him) and they had a couple of miscarriages.

And, yes, like a lot of men he needed some encouragement rather than nagging.

[Rosebud05]

We were offered a very narrow selection of dates, all of which other than this once we couldn't do.

So it felt churlish and awkward to decline.

[Jajaswolefwoman]

Go to the picnic, life's too short to spend it with people you are not that bothered about.

[Rosebud05]

If we do anything, it will be to say that weekend is a bit awkward now and can we reschedule.

Feigning illness on the day would be awful (and jinxing!)