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Are they BU or am I being a selfish B.

(30 Posts)
justpaddling Fri 08-Jul-11 20:07:59

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thisisyesterday Fri 08-Jul-11 20:12:00

yes, they should be more self sufficient, but then I guess it's hard as you get old and your body starts failing you and maybe you just want a bit of looking after?
that doesn't mean yabu for not wanting to do this stuff tho! and i don't blame either of you for saying no

i would however consider doing their shop online for them, and then getting the money from them next time you see them...

how old are they?

skybluepearl Fri 08-Jul-11 20:12:11

You are both doing a lot to support parents anyway. Agree you shouldn't go tonight to collect. Wouldn't it make more sense for them to get taxi or have a local friend help? When you go tomorrow help them do an online shop step by step.

sloggies Fri 08-Jul-11 20:13:46

Hmn....I would be careful about doing too much. As they become older, they could get more demanding, so you need to lay some boundaries. There are alternatives for them, you are not leaving them stuck.

ShoutyHamster Fri 08-Jul-11 20:16:04

They might not be consciously taking the piss but now's the time to make them get to grips with things like online shopping, or it will only get worse. Point out quite brutally that there'll come a day when if they don't get sorted with staying as self-sufficent as they can for as long as they can, they may well end up losing independence, and that you cannot fetch and carry for them, especially when it's far less efficient to do so.

Do a shop online with them, get them over the fear

justpaddling Fri 08-Jul-11 20:17:08

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WhereYouLeftIt Fri 08-Jul-11 20:17:37

One of my aunts doesn't drive, she has always taken a bus or taxi to the supermarket and then a taxi home with her shopping. Expecting you to drive all that way rather than shop online/use taxis is very unreasonable of them.

I am surprised hospital transport could not be arranged - I would have thought the ward manager would have pressed very hard for it in order to free up a bed, particularly on a Friday.

EuphemiaMcGonagall Fri 08-Jul-11 20:22:55

I went through similar earlier this year, when my dad had an op on a Friday and the info to my mum from the hospital was that he would be in for at least 5 days, so home Tuesday at the earliest.

We went in to visit on the Sunday, and Dad was sitting on the bed, fully clothed, saying he wanted to go home! He wasn't allowed until he'd been seen by a doctor, which wouldn't be until Monday morning.

My mum can't drive, neither can DB, I was working the next day, so Dad was advised that he'd have to wait til 5pm Monday when SIL could come and get him. Dad spent the whole visiting time moaning and mithering at my mum, who had been sick with stress and worry before the visit!

He eventually got home on the Monday in a taxi paid for by the hospital, which must have cost about £100. hmm

Since then, and my dad's been having chemo three times a week once a month and my parents have settled into a routine of getting bits of shopping locally, getting friends/neighbours to run them to Tesco, and getting me to take them for a big shop once in a while.

DB and I can't help out daily, or at short notice, and our parents accept that and have been calling in favours from neighbours, etc.

Have a chat with your parents to clarify what they expect of you and what you are able to offer, and see who else might be around to support them.

justpaddling Fri 08-Jul-11 20:28:07

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Andrewofgg Fri 08-Jul-11 20:28:24

YANBU and you and DB must tackle them so they understand what you can and cannot do.

DW and her brothers and SILs and I went through this with MIL before she had to go into residential care - where she still expects us to come running - and no doubt many of us could tell horror stories but let's not bore each other.

Nanny0gg Fri 08-Jul-11 20:29:41

Then she gets a taxi there and back.
Are they old or just in their 50s/60s?

justpaddling Fri 08-Jul-11 20:30:26

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WhereYouLeftIt Fri 08-Jul-11 20:31:03

They are expecting too much!

EuphemiaMcGonagall Fri 08-Jul-11 20:34:06

I have become taxi lady for my dad and MIL. hmm

I don't mind running them somewhere, but they're starting to take advantage. Then MIL tries to tell me where to park ...!

Time for a chat! grin

squeakytoy Fri 08-Jul-11 20:39:16

They are being bloody unreasonable and quite selfish. Tell them that they must use a taxi.

LunaticFringe Fri 08-Jul-11 20:40:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Terraviva Fri 08-Jul-11 20:46:48

While I agree you have to set some boundaries now and encourage them to be self-sufficent (like doing online shopping), don't forget that in 30 years it'll be your DCs moaning about having to help you out after your DH has an operation grin

ShoutyHamster Fri 08-Jul-11 20:51:27

It makes no sense though - cheaper to pay delivery than for you to have all the petrol costs!! Or is it fine by your dad if YOU bear the cost?

They should do an online shop as it's an emergency. Going through the process will also familiarise them with it, which is a valuable exercise. Not ideal, and yes a delivery charge, but needs must.

balloonballs Fri 08-Jul-11 20:51:49

Can't think why hospital beds are full all the time. Real puzzle so it is.

Or why NHS budgets are stretched to smithereens.

jangly Fri 08-Jul-11 20:57:28

Are they in an area covered by Waitrose. They deliver for free.

bentneckwine1 Fri 08-Jul-11 21:29:37

Asda offer an all day delivery slot for 2pounds...or a 2 hour slot for 6pounds
Cheaper than the bus!

I do my disabled dads shopping online...it took a bit of getting used to for him but now he likes the way it remembers what he usually buys and that the driver brings the bags into kitchen for him.

Good Luck!

EuphemiaMcGonagall Sat 09-Jul-11 22:29:27

I bet they waste £5 a week on something ... having groceries delivered is not a luxury, in their situation it's necessary!

LineRunner Sat 09-Jul-11 22:45:40

I am amazed that the hospital did not put them in a taxi, if only to free up that expensive hospital bed.

Your parents really could and should have got a taxi. They are not old and frail, and the hospital would have helped them. Perhaps you can ask the ward manager why there was a problem with transport, tomorrow.

Also, if your mum and dad don't want to spend a fiver on a shopping delivery, then your mum will need to go in a taxi. It's really common for people to do this - to walk to the shops and then get a taxi home. Most supermarkets have taxi free phones near the exit doors for this very reason.

They are not old!!

Chipsycheese Sun 10-Jul-11 08:15:43

If this was my parents I would do it.
Your parents are not 'taking the piss', He was in hospital and didn't want to catch the bus home. I wouldn't fancy doing that.
I would even deliver their shopping, sounds like they might want the company of seeing you when you bring it over just as much as the shopping?
If you really can't afford the petrol money then you could do what others suggested and ask what they want and order it online for them. Most places do a tenner off the cost of your first order etc offers.
Now I have children I know what my parents went though - when I was a baby and kept them up all night I have been told I did not really sleep!, a toddler that was a nightmare, a ten year old that wanted picking up from friends, trips to the cinema All the birthday parties, teenage years, financial help, help with homework, looking after you when you are sick. That's just a few of the ten million things us parents do. We are all different kinds of parents and we can all be a bit crap sometimes but we would all do everything we can and then some for our children. And because we want to.
Why can't we then do the same for our parents when they need us?

Pseudo341 Sun 10-Jul-11 17:08:50

My MIL volunteers for a something called a voluntary care group that does hospital lifts for people. Apparently there are similar organizations all over the country though not necessarily by the same name, might be worth looking into.

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