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to think it's out of order to change a child's name when you split up?

(57 Posts)
yankiedoodledandy Fri 08-Jul-11 17:19:32

DB and ex SIL split last year after 7 years of marriage. They married young (her idea), had DN youngish (her idea) and now she decides to leave DB and run off with an old boyfriend taking DN with her. Fair enough that happens to lots of couples, but she has now officially changed surname of DN (aged 4) to make it double barrelled to include her maiden name which she's gone back to. Obviously I am biased but just feel that the poor child is confused enough with being uprooted from her home (changing nursery in the process) and with the whole split without also having her identity changed. AIBU or do lots of people do this? I have plenty of friends and family who have split from partners but none have done this to their children.

Glitterknickaz Fri 08-Jul-11 17:20:17

If they were married to legally do that she'd need your DB consent.

Glitterknickaz Fri 08-Jul-11 17:20:35

Informally she can call him whatever she likes.

GypsyMoth Fri 08-Jul-11 17:21:09

It's not legal......

MorticiaAddams Fri 08-Jul-11 17:23:21

I don't think it would cause any problems for the child as it's easy enough to explain. I don't necessarily think it's the right thing to do though, what will she do if she gets remarried, have a tripe barrelled name?

MorticiaAddams Fri 08-Jul-11 17:23:33

Ooops, triple not tripe!

yankiedoodledandy Fri 08-Jul-11 17:23:48

Sorry I think it is legal, I think he agreed to it muppet that he is!

yankiedoodledandy Fri 08-Jul-11 17:25:13

Exactly Morticia! Its like she's using DN to make a statement.

MadYoungCatLady Fri 08-Jul-11 17:29:25

If he has agreed to the name change, what is your problem?

LuckyMrsT Fri 08-Jul-11 17:31:06

If he's agreed to it then YABU - it's their DS and business. I understand you're hurt for your brother but I can see your ex SIL's point of view - I would hate to have a different name from my DC.

IAmATroglodyte Fri 08-Jul-11 17:36:50

I plan to change DD1's surname so it's the same as my DP and DD2. DD1's 'father' has objected as he's trying to get access I've been told I can do it without his permission and I'm going to. He can fuck off. I'll be marrying DP eventually and I'll be much happier if DD shares our name, she might feel left out otherwise and that would be extremely cruel IMO.

springboksaplenty Fri 08-Jul-11 17:38:36

He agreed to it so yabu. Perhaps the statement she is making is that her Dd is both a product of her and your db? Plus she's 4 so not as difficult as if she was 14.

Also, although it may have been 'her idea' I think your db agreed as an equal partner to get married and have a child?

yankiedoodledandy Fri 08-Jul-11 17:41:22

He agreed to it because she would've made things very difficult for him if he hadn't (access etc.) - he didn't want to go down that road so did it to keep the peace for DN's sake

LDNmummy Fri 08-Jul-11 17:42:40

She doesn't sound like a very nice person but then you noted your biased stance yourself.

If she had changed your DN's last name to a new name completely devoid of reference to your DB, I would agree with you. But as it stands, I don't think it is such a big deal. She may have reasons for doing it that your DB understands and so has consented to it being done.

yankiedoodledandy Fri 08-Jul-11 17:42:48

Troglodyte - I'd say that was different circumstances as you've put father in inverted commas. DB is a brilliant Dad and none of this is his fault. He really wanted them to stay together.

buzzsore Fri 08-Jul-11 17:46:02

He agreed to it, she wanted it, they're the parents. Why shouldn't the child have both their names? At 4 DN probably doesn't give a hoot, it's not like changing her first name grin!

Her surname won't really get used that much at that age for her to worry about the change, unless there are two children with the same name in the class, so YABU. It's none of your business either.

yankiedoodledandy Fri 08-Jul-11 17:51:27

Sorry I think it is my business to care if my DN is messed up and confused, I hope my Auntie's would care if I was. I'm not about to go telling them that I don't agree though as that would be interfering.

MadYoungCatLady Fri 08-Jul-11 18:03:23

I want to change DS's name as he currently has ExH's surname, which ExH changed from his birth name (we shall say Flippity) to his step fathers name (which we shall say is Bobbity) at the age of 18. I dont see why 'Bobbity' has anything to do with my son as it is his step-grandfathers name who he doesnt see at all.

I would love for DS to have our family name, which will be DP's name soon as we are engaged, and have a baby on the way. DS will be left out in the cold with the name of a man who doesnt even see him sad

MadYoungCatLady Fri 08-Jul-11 18:08:39

Is it the name change you think DN is being messed up about? Or your SiL leaving your DB? If its the name change, I really think she is too young to notice. I doubt it will confuse her. Unless she was used to being called by her surname, which sounds a bit odd for a child so little.

Shakirasma Fri 08-Jul-11 18:12:31

its really not worth getting worked up about. Its just a name and at least it includes your DBs surname.

My eldest has my exH surname and my DSD has her mother's maiden name. my DH and I have now got 2 DC together who have our surname. When we all travel on holiday together we have 4 DC with 3 different surnames between them lol.

Actually my DSDs mum has since married and so DSD's name is different to both her mum and her dad.

they are our children, we love them all equally and their surnames are irrelevent to that.

AurraSing Fri 08-Jul-11 18:16:40

I think you are being a tad dramatic. Added her own surname to her child's name is not changing her identity and will not lead to her being messed up and confused. This decision will not alter her relationship with her father and is non of your business.

bubblesincoffee Fri 08-Jul-11 18:21:16

A Mother wants her child to have the same name as her. What's the problem?

It's not like she has removed your brothers name from it.

You don't know eveything that went on behind closed doors. My ex's family thought I was a cow when we spilt because poor him wanted us to stay together and was a brilliant Dad. The fact that he prety much ignored me most of the time and the fact that we simply didn't love eachother anymore was irrelevant to them. We were also together very young, so what if it was her idea to marry young? He agreed to it. Or did he have such a crap upbringing that he had no voice and no confidence to stand up for himself?

InTheNightKitchen Fri 08-Jul-11 18:24:08

Is your brother an adult? If not then YANBU.

I think if your DN is 4 then it is hardly going to impact on her current identity for herself.
I also think that if your exSIL has gone back to her maiden name, then including that maiden name in her DD's surname makes sense logistically with schools, doctors, nurseries etc. It's not like she's changed her DD's name completely over to her maiden name, is it?

So - YABU.

yankiedoodledandy Fri 08-Jul-11 18:33:40

Clearly I am BU then, I am married though and can't imagine doing that to my DS especially if the break up was all down to me and I'd been having an affair like she was. I'd feel like a cheeky bitch, which is what I think she is, but then again there's years of history of her being a complete vicious cow to our family so I should just be glad they've split and I no longer have to pretend to like her.

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