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to want MN to just tell me whether we should have a third child or not...

(78 Posts)
cherryburton Fri 08-Jul-11 16:09:33

...because I've been mulling it backwards and forwards for over a year and we can't make up our minds about it.

We have two boys who are nearly 3 and nearly 5.
I'm nearly 35 and DH is nearly 39.
We are skint and live in rented accommodation after selling our house two years ago and making a big move to somewhere we wanted to be. DH had to take a huge drop in salary so that we could move away from where we were but it looks like a better job is on the horizon.

I've been a SAHM (on and off) since DS1 was born nearly five years ago, but I went back to work full time a few months back and am really enjoying not being a SAHM anymore. We're not really very much financially better off for me working as childcare eats up most of my money but I'm happier. It is only maternity cover though, and I may be unemployed again come January.

Common sense would say not to have any more - DS2 will start school next year and that's when I could start making money and keeping some of it, which would help us to buy a house. DS2 was a nightmare in terms of sleep for the first year and I had PND due to not getting longer than an hour uninterrupted for 11 months. (I exaggerate not.) The thought of going back to that scares me. And now the boys are a bit older life seems a bit easier.

But the thought of accepting that's that and we're done makes me feel sad and almost anxious. I've always subscribed to the "it's better to regret something you've done than something you haven't" school of thought, but I'm not sure that should apply to the creation of people when it will set us back financially by about four years. We're both thinking we're knocking on a bit in terms of wanting to start again and it feels a bit now or never - isn't it at 35 that it starts to get more difficult to conceive?

Sorry, it's a bit of a lengthy self indulgent ponder, but I literally spend every day obsessing about it and feeling under pressure to just decide one way or the other so we can just decide and get on with life.

How do you know when you're done? Should hormones take precedence over logic and common sense?

cherryburton Fri 08-Jul-11 16:11:09

(can you tell I'm a Libran?) blush

soverylucky Fri 08-Jul-11 16:12:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Only you can make that decision....only you know if it is do-able or not.

However, if you are skint now and working just till Jan it doesnt sound like a fab idea to be honest.

You're only 35 so have time...can you not leave it a couple of years, see if this better job for your DH turns up and then re-access the situation??

Hormones def should not take precedence over logic and common sense....what if you have DC no. 3 and then hormones kick in again?? When would you stop!

itisnearlysummer Fri 08-Jul-11 16:17:02

Tbh, I wouldn't normally offer an opinion such as this, but since you asked...

In your circumstances I wouldn't.

In my circumstances I wouldn't either, which is why we haven't. We'd love a third, but there are lots of reasons that mean we haven't and wouldn't and, as Betty said, we've had to let common sense override hormones and wants.

cherryburton Fri 08-Jul-11 16:17:15

Hmmm....I have a cut off point in my head, because I keep thinking that if I have a child at 35, when it's my age I'll be 70, and for some reason this bothers me. I wish we'd started earlier! DH is also not keen on being over 40 and going back to sleepless nights, and being nearly 60 by the time the youngest one leaves home (potentially.)

If we did have a third, that would most definitely be the last one!

mummymeister Fri 08-Jul-11 16:20:15

If you are having to ask others for advice about having babies then it is a big fat no to that question. Thats how you know when you are done tbh. i'm going to let you in to a secret - all of us mums whether we are 25 or 55, whether we have 1 baby or 6 all feel that little twinge of sadness when we know we arent having any more. live with it, it will pass. Enough the two you have and look forward to finding a new job soon.

cherryburton Fri 08-Jul-11 16:21:08

itisnearlysummer - have you struggled to accept that you've finished? I think I would struggle badly with it.

I know I am extremely lucky to have what I have. I just have this constant nagging feeling that we're not finished and there's one of us missing. Which sounds a bit nuts, admittedly.

cherryburton Fri 08-Jul-11 16:32:06

x-posts mummymeister, that's interesting. We'd always planned on having four but number two assuaged some of that enthusiasm! Perhaps you're all right. I just keep thinking that ten years down the line when we have no choice anymore, we might really regret not having done so...

shrinkingnora Fri 08-Jul-11 16:35:56

DD is currently crying at the kitchen table because DS2 just drew on her picture. She is saying "Why did Mummy have to have another baby brother. One was bad enough"!!

shrinkingnora Fri 08-Jul-11 16:36:51

Sorry, that's not very helpful!

I love having three - all the different relationships within the family etc but it is very tiring and often a logistical nightmare. Would you need a new car etc?

JoySzasz Fri 08-Jul-11 16:39:50

I am a Libran too...I could have written your post if I had your question!

It is tough,but if both of you are not on the same page it will just add stress.

Personally , I would wait till your little one is at school to see how things play out.

You are only 35,I had my last at 37 smile Good luck.

UsingMainlySpells Fri 08-Jul-11 16:40:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cherryburton Fri 08-Jul-11 16:41:32

grin @nora - DS1 did tell me the other day that he didn't want a brother in the first place!

We've still got all the baby stuff and could just about squeeze another child into the car we have. It shouldn't technically cost us much more, it just impacts my earning potential. However, there is the possibility that I might have some regular work that I can do from home on the horizon, and I have been meaning to go fully freelance for some time...

itisnearlysummer Fri 08-Jul-11 16:43:33

cherry I wouldn't say struggled as such. I do feel sad though. I just try not to think about it too much.

cherryburton Fri 08-Jul-11 16:45:37

DH is torn, I think if I was definite one way or another he'd be happy to do what I wanted. But that's a lot of pressure on me! Around about this time of the month (coming up to ovulation time, I guess) I get really driven to just throw caution to the wind, which is probably what's spurred me on to post here.

It's messing with my head so badly I was half considering going to see a medium! blush

sweetness86 Fri 08-Jul-11 16:47:10

I toy with this its a desicion myself I have two boys aged 2 & 4 I would like another but then the though of doing it all again puts me off . I wish now I had one straight after no.2 I think a longer age gap makes it harder.
Im 25 and want another before Im 30 and I figured if I havent made up my mind then Im not having anymore .
Its harder for you because your older but I always remember the saying 'Regret what you did do not what you didnt'. Saying that you might look back in a year and think 'what was I thinking when I wanted another baby' I know where your coming from though I wish I had an easy answer .

DHwonTheDadsRace Fri 08-Jul-11 16:49:47

When we were expecting our 3rd, we thought we wanted to have 4. After the 3rd arrived, we realised that that was enough for us to cope with. However, I still felt that I wasn't quite done with that bit of my life. But I felt if we had another, it would have to be at 2-3y gap after the 3rd. So that put off the decision for a while, although dh was quite clear that he didn't want more as we wouldn't cope. My head agreed, heart didn't. By the time we got to the 3yr gap... my heart had caught up, and now at 4y on, I'm definitely not wanting any more, and quite pleased to have put the baby days behind.

So...I'm saying, give your heart a chance to catch up with your head, or your head to catch up with your heart, and you'll have your answer. You don't say what your dh wants though? And his input should matter more than ours.

TapselteerieO Fri 08-Jul-11 16:49:58

My instinctive answer is against all the sensible posters, go for it, you won't regret it, imho, but that is it, just my opinion, I would have a third child if I could persuade dh, being reasonably okay neither rich or poor, I know we could manage.

ShoutyHamster Fri 08-Jul-11 16:50:27

Well I would say go for it, based on the 'regret what you have done' school of thought, and the fact that it is clearly something that part of you really wants to do...

But that's not very sensible. However what I will point out is that 35 is not old, neither is 40, and you could happily mull this over for another year or so. On hte other hand, earning potential etc.... if you're going to do it just crack on and get it out of the way grin

Oh dear...

Did it take you a while to conceive the others?

Dozer Fri 08-Jul-11 16:51:24

Not easy to freelance with 3 small kids.

bubblesincoffee Fri 08-Jul-11 16:51:26

If you claim anything other than child benefit, then no, you shouldn't have another child.

cjbartlett Fri 08-Jul-11 16:52:06

No I wouldn't tbh

DilysPrice Fri 08-Jul-11 16:58:31

I wouldn't. We stopped pretty drastically at 2 (vasectomy) and I brooded on and off for a year or two, but it did go away, and childcare with two is quite tricky enough.

dolldaggabuzzbuzz Fri 08-Jul-11 16:58:46

If we were all to be 'sensible' the human race would be in trouble! Go for it if that is what you and your DH feel is best for your family.

I would have a 4th but DH is too 'sensible' for that now sad

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