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Minor irritation with DD 'friend' who lives round the corner - age 9 - WWYD?

(19 Posts)
androbbob Fri 08-Jul-11 13:06:20

Only a recent occurance but for some reason it bugs me! DD has a good circle of friends - about 5 or 6 of them and they have had the usual fallings out / squablings / who is the best friend type stuff that 9 year olds have (year 4).

She is friendly with this girl but not exclusively so and never mentions her much at home, but this girl lives in the same road as us (unusual as the school is 10 min drive away) around the corner.

This girl has taken to coming to our house after (her) tea every evening and knocking for my DD. It is bugging me as a couple of times when we are leaving school she shouts over - £I'll be round later you are not doing anything are you" - DD kind of nods but I interject and say firmly that we are busy that night, may be another night in the week. She then questions me as to what we are doing and will it really take all night - very foreful 9 year old she is! I have taken to turning the door bell off so we cant hear it grin

It bugs me mainly because I have a 4 year old and while I dont mind DD being in the front garden (I dont let her wanter up and down the street and regularly peep out to check they are ok) and I do not have a problem with her parents being more liberal and letting their DD be on her bike out of site of the home - but it is often an hour or so and then she is wanting to come in and play, etc. It is not a quiet street traffic wise even though it is residential and I dont like her being out there. The other girl appears to be more streetwise and seems to be away from her home for hours of an evening - never often see the parents passing by to check where she is. She does not have a mobile!

When we get home from school I have a routine (varies due to after school club and the like) so same days we dont get tea until 6pm and I like the kids in jarmies by 7 and chillin down for bed at 7.30 and 8pm. There is also homework to be done and it works better getting it done before tea.

I know I am being a little controlling but AIBU to expect 'My House My Rules' and that if I want DD in the house of the evening on a school night its up to me! It is different if it is a pre-arranged play date where the child is invited to come for tea for a coulpe of hours but she just turns up when she feels like it.

I try not to embarass DD be calling her in for her bath or such as I remember the fun I used to get poked at me when my mum did the same! I try to be discreet but the girl then questions what I need DD to do! I just feel like telling her to bog off and stop bugging me! Obviously that is not acceptable behaviour towards a 9 going on 19 year old!

Anyone been there before and how do I resolve it sensitvely? This girl has caused trouble in school before trying to split up a friendship with DD and her friend and I have experienced the same DD be a pain with DD at her birthday party causing a scene with her mum who had come to collect her 5 mins early - that was embarrassing for the other mum.

I can see it only getting worse as the summer holidays get closer as she will be pestering us all day every day we are off. I just like to slob around in an evening not having to keep an eye on them outside.

MoonGirl1981 Fri 08-Jul-11 13:18:58

Er.. reguarding the questioning I'd personally just ignore them . A nine year old doesn't need to quiz you on what you're doing with your child! Nor should you feel obliged to answer them. May sound harsh, other option is to tell her nicely that what you and your daughter do is not er business.

I'm like you, evenings are for relaxing. However, I'm highly skiled in ignoring my front door! grinP Seriously, just don't answer it.

If she comes in/they go out in the holidays set a curfew for your daughter and ask her to come back alone.

She may get bored and find something else to do by then.

BadBagel Fri 08-Jul-11 13:38:56

YABU for constantly supervising a 9 yo playing outside but YANBU for wanting her back in the house at a certain time on a school night or even in saying 'not tonight'.

Agree with ignoring the constant questions smile

BimboNo5 Fri 08-Jul-11 13:41:42

Theres always one child who always comes a knocking non stop! Its a childhood rule! Its also hard for the kids to say no sometimes even though they dont want to play out/with them.

aquos Fri 08-Jul-11 13:55:58

I get questioned by my 10 and 11 year olds friends too. It's bloody annoying and I can't believe how much front they've got. I wouldn't have dared question a friends parents. I either ignore or if they ask me why my child isn't allowed out I reply "because I said so".

My dh works nights and it doesn't matter how many times we ask the local kids not to come ringing the doorbell they still do.

I'm afraid my dd is one of those kids that's always trying to invite herself into other peoples houses. I limit how long she is allowed out for to half an hour to try and minimise how annoying she's being to people. I do hope though that if she was being a nuisance people would tell me so I could stop her.

If we have kids to play at our house I very much apply the my house, my rules stance. But tbh I hate having a house full of kids and as we live in a quiet road with a recreation field at one end I don't see why the kids have to be in each others houses all the time.

MoonGirl1981 Fri 08-Jul-11 13:59:31

I work nights and disabled my doorbell (was quite satisfying chopping those wires). My friends and close neighbours know to knock instead.

My son is 8 now and this just doesn't happen. If they want to get together and play I arrange it with the other child's parents (even if it's a text sent that morning). I'd never allow my child to wander about knocking on random doors and nor would any of my neighbours/friends.

utah Fri 08-Jul-11 14:01:54

tbh what does your daughter want as the post seemed to be all about how you feel. Your DD will be soon in secondary school where parents lose the control of their childrens friendship and geography of where children live becomes more important this child could be possibly a close friend later. i personally have off limit days when they have after school clubs etc and my childs friends now know when they can call and when it will be a no.

MorticiaAddams Fri 08-Jul-11 14:13:14

I find "because I said so" works with children and have never been questionned further. Perhaps I have a scary face though.

I do think you need to let go of the reins a bit, at 9 you shouldn't have to constantly watch her out of the window. I know you're worried but that should be your problem, not hers

PandaNot Fri 08-Jul-11 14:19:18

Maybe I had an odd childhood then (but I didn't think so til now) because as a child going to 'call' for your friends to play out was what happened after school! It certainly is what happens in the village we live in now, my ds (7) has just started to do this. How old do you imagine your dd needs to be before she can go out to play with her friends?

ensure Fri 08-Jul-11 14:36:54

I was going to ask whether your daughter wanted to play out too, like utah.

You don't have to explain why your DD has to come in at a particular time- just say that's the way you do things! Why not just set a time she can play in the evenings and stick to it. 45 minutes after homework and dinner or something.

Flyonthewindscreen Fri 08-Jul-11 14:37:54

You would have a nightmare living in my village OP! Rarely an after school evening or weekend day (unless we are out) goes by without one or more of my DC's friends coming to call for them or my DC going to knock for a friend (My DC have to ask me before they call on someone so I can assess the time/frequency since they last called and other nuisance factors before giving permission). The majority of children here over about 6 or 7 spend the summer in this way. It does drive me mad but the DC love it. Is playing out the norm for where you live and if so would your DD enjoy it?

YANBU for being annoyed by the constant questioning from this girl tho...

girlywhirly Fri 08-Jul-11 14:55:59

I think this girl has quite a thick skin, so you should be able to tell her to stop being a nuisance/cheeky without hurting her feelings. It seems to me that this child has far too much time on her hands and is bored and lonely when not in school.

Is there any way you could have a discreet word with her mum, who may presume you have approved her daughter going to your home all the time, especially as you haven't complained to her previously? Either this is the case or the mum is just glad to get the child out from under her feet because she's a pain there? I know you don't want to cause trouble between this girl, DD and the other friends, but enough is enough.

I think the idea of off limits days for mates dropping round casually is great. I also wouldn't enter into any discussion with a child about my family's home life. 'None of your business' bluntly said with a touch of menace in your voice!

Have you ever turned the girls' question around on her, ask why she keeps coming round, doesn't she have friends come to her home, or play there, you never see them play out with her and so on.

valiumredhead Fri 08-Jul-11 14:59:04

Just be firm and say no and give no further explanation. End of! Don't explain yourself to a 9 year old.

androbbob Fri 08-Jul-11 16:15:47

I am glad to see that i am not being too unreasonable.! i will also practise the art of ignoring the door too.! just to clarify i am not constantly supervising out the window and is not obvious that i am watching - it is more of check they are still there every 5 mins or so. the child does have a thick skin and i will turn the question round to why she keeps coming round next time she comes. i have let in of the reins as she goes to the shop sound corner for me to get milk bread etc. i do realise she will be at high school in 2 years so have started to let her have more independence like dropping off at school at 8 30 rather than breakfast club and in to library while i am in gym in same building and drop off at swimming with friend unsupervised. its all baby steps at the moment. thanks for showing me i am not too hard on her:-)

worraliberty Fri 08-Jul-11 16:21:28

Such a big fuss over nothing.

The child is over keen to play with yours.

When she knocks, tell her your child isn't playing out. If she asks why, just say 'we're busy..sorry'.

If she knocks again that day, be firmer and tell her not to knock again til tomorrow.

valiumredhead Fri 08-Jul-11 16:23:20

Awwwww don't ask her why she keeps coming round OP sad she obviously likes your child and wants to play. Just perfect the art of saying you are busy.

girlywhirly Fri 08-Jul-11 16:45:57

But this child comes every evening OP has said in her first post, which is a lot. I would be wondering whether her parents are actually at home until much later, and she has to fend for herself. Suppose the girl did start coming every day all day of the summer hols, what would she do then? OP also says she thinks the child is away from home and out for hours, AT 9YO? I think this is more than just liking the OP's DD and wanting to play with her all the time.

worraliberty Fri 08-Jul-11 16:54:00

The Summer hols isn't here yet so no point speculating.

Lots of kids play out every evening while their parents are at home. Really all she needs to be is a little firmer.

skybluepearl Fri 08-Jul-11 17:30:32

what you ned to do is take charge - organise a specific weekly day/time for play date - let her know and stick to it. if she comes round on a different day remind her the play date is on thursday (or when ever) and tell her that they can't play today. don't give any reason why she can't play and if girl asks what you are doing just don't answer question, remind her when the play date is.

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