to expect my partner to put me above his mother?

[SparklePrincess]

My partner & I only see each other at weekends because his work is too far from where I live. He still lives with his mother about an hour away from here. We decided to sell my house & buy a place together close to his work & live as a family.

I am the one going through all the stress of keeping the house ready for viewers, agro from the kids (who dont want to move) & dealing with estate agents & solicitors, paperwork etc. On top of this I also have an alcoholic father causing huge amounts of stress & my mother died only a year ago. I also have an ex who persists in twisting the knife.

To be blunt, im unbelievably stressed, so much so I had an embarrassingly silly accident in my car last week. I dont think the other driver is taking action, but it shook me up.

The other day he announced he may not be able to come down this weekend because somebody had to be there for his mum.

His mother just has a minor surgery. Was in & out in a few hours. Ok, I accept its probably painful where the incisions are but she most certainly does NOT need 24/7 babysitting. Besides, she also has a daughter living there & a son in the area too.

If she was dying Id understand it, but she is a total malingerer & will milk any situation. She still uses her husbands death (19 years ago) in order to gain sympathy & frequently reinforces the children's sense of loss by encouraging them to buy flowers for their father & visit the grave, although she never goes there herself. I find the whole thing very distasteful tbh.

Now im being made out to be the bad guy, when really I dont see I am.

Am I unreasonable to expect him to support me?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

YANBU to expect support but I think you tread a dangerous path when you ask a man to choose between his partner and his mother.

[flowery]

What is it you specifically need him to do this weekend that is more important than looking after his mum who's had surgery? If it's just keeping the house tidy and wanting a bit of emotional support because you're stressed then YABU.

[oohjarWhatsit]

& frequently reinforces the children's sense of loss by encouraging them to buy flowers for their father & visit the grave

i find this an odd thing to say. I buy flowers visit my dad's grave regularly not to re-inforce my loss but because I want to.

odd

[worraliberty]

Obviously you're stressed but you do sound hard hearted.

Minor surgery can cause lots of pain and she probably does need looking after...especially as she's been good enough to put him up while he can't live with you and the kids.

As for the flowers on the grave, that's a very personal thing and none of your business I'm afraid.

[Allinabinbag]

I second Reality that minor surgery can be simply awful afterwards, I certainly needed the tLC of at least one (if not more!) family member afterwards.

So, YABU, I think on this occasion.

On the other hand, you sound like the one doing all the changing and all the running to suit him. This is clearly not suiting you or your family, so I think you need to think about that in the wider sense, not focus on one weekend in which he is doing the right thing by his mother.

[fanjobanjowanjo]

I'm sorry you are so stressed atmo but YABU, as it's just one weekend ang his ma has had surgery. You do need to take a back seat on this one!

[Ormirian]

Well you sounds a right charmer

[eurochick]

I agree with reality. Minor surgery has left me knocked for 6 and I was young when I had it! YABU.

[hellospoon]

I can see both sides. You feel you need the support but he can't make it this weekend, I would be upset in your situation to.

However, I had minor surgery (tonsils) a few weeks back, if I didn't have someone with me 24/7 for a week I would not of coped atall!

Maybe you could ask your dp to see if one of his brother or sister could look after his mum while he comes and helps you sort the move etc?

I think the way you handle this now may map out your relationship with you in-laws in the future

[DaisyLovesMetronidazole]

I think he should support both of you.

I can see your point.

I can also see why someone would need help after surgery.

I don't see why it's one or the other. Surely he could stay with his mum one night and help you the next?

[Iteotwawki]

Following a general anaesthetic you should not drive a car, operate machinery or dangerous appliances, drink alcohol or make any important decisions.

Taken directly from our consent forms. Dangerous appliances are kettles, cookers, sharp knives. It is also a requirement that someone stay with you for a minimum of 24h after discharge - one, to look after you and operate the dangerous kettle, but 2, to be there in case you have any immediate complications so that they can bring you back in.

If your partner has agreed to look after his mum for one weekend so that she doesn't have to stay in hospital overnight (and who would want to if they didn't have to!) then I would be glad I was with someone so caring if I were you.

Can you talk to him about the move, the hassle and the strain it's putting on you to see if he can help out? Not just this weekend, but more continual support until you move?

[BornInAfrica]

Does he know that this is how you feel about his mother? Does he know that you sound like a bit of a bitch with an icy heart? Do you honestly think he'd still want to live with you if he did?

[AliGrylls]

Someone has to pick her up. Okay it could be the daughter but there are reasons why it might not be - maybe she is away for the weekend. I can understand how stressed you feel but he does have an obligation to his mother as well.

Let him know the stress you are under and get him to help you out but for the sake of your relationship with him and his mother don't create a fuss about this weekend.

[PrincessScrumpy]

You do sound like you need his support and it's always tough when dh works away but I would never stop dh from seeing his own mum. It may be a minor op but perhaps he feels he always leaves it to his siblings as they are closer and he wants to make an effort for her. It's one weekend. I would want to be there for my mum if she asked (or even if she didn't but I felt I could help).

TBH if anything happened to dh I think I would still be upset 19 years on - she doesn't have to justify her feelings to you. Everyone deals with death differently and maybe she's terrified her kids will forget their father (I'm sure they won't but we all view things differently). She lives on her own so has plenty of time to worry.

How about you do something this weekend - special treat for you and the kids (and it'll keep them out of the house so they don't mess it up too much )

[ContraryMartha]

Gosh, you have had a pasting.
YANBU.
I agree with you. He should be there to support you.
Have you asked him to come to see you? Car accidents can be very upsetting, no matter how minor.

Think carefully. My MIL can be very domineering. It is a hard road.

By the way, try the Relationships section - it can be more empathetic.

[SparklePrincess]

I wasn't expecting him to abandon her the entire weekend. I would want to go up & see her myself. I just expect to be put first for once....

He has not left home yet & been used as an emotional crutch for 19 years now. He organised his own fathers funeral at 14 & has been wiping her backside ever since. He has been stifled from having a life of his own due to her neediness.

I dont mean to sound harsh, but just because I have no obvious wounds it doesn't mean im fine. I am a really strong person, but im at the stage now where im close to a breakdown tbh & I have no family support or local friends. I am on my own 24/7 doing everything. I really feel I cannot do this much longer. :(

It is me & my children being expected to make the major changes & sacrifices while he carries on as before. I dont expect much really, & if we lived together it simply WOULDN'T be an issue.

Ive had surgery too when I had a 9 month old baby who I was still breastfeeding. I had no family support & got nothing but abuse from my ex. I managed because I had to. The only time I ever asked for help from my mother was when had the flu & could do nothing.

I suppose it depends on how much of a coper you are. Im a coper because ive had to be & wouldn't dream of asking my children to take time off work etc to look after me.

My own mother died recently of cancer. She was unable to do anything for herself the last few days, & she hated it! She didnt expect to be babysat even near the end when it took her ages to get to the toilet. :( She was one hell of a woman, & a good role model. Hence I dont suffer fools gladly or tolerate malingerers.

[SparklePrincess]

Thank you ContraryMartha. :)

[friendcat]

YABU i'm afraid.

You better hope your DC's grow up to follow this mans example and put their Mum first!

[SparklePrincess]

Thanks for the support fc. NOT! Unfortunately their father spends all his time undermining me so i very much doubt it.

[worraliberty]

I think you hit the nail on the head OP

You are a coper...your MIL isn't.

[SparklePrincess]

Having been through break up of marriage, Having to sell up & leave the family home, divorce & bereavement over the last 2 years, (the most 3 stressful things you can go through all at once) & the ongoing sick father, special needs child & vindictive ex, & now selling again I think I could be cut some slack. :(

Try it... It aint no fun. :(

[friendcat]

Perhaps i didn't put my point very eloquently.

Isn't this man the one you're about to set up home with? Surely you would want your kids to look to him as the model of how to treat others, as their Mum? As opposed to your ex, i mean?

I do sympathise as i've recently supported my DP while he was supporting his Gran who died a few weeks ago. We had a newborn and he was on pat leave which was spent mostly looking after her. It was a difficult time but i am pleased i can I hold him up as the example to my dc's on how to treat family.

[SparklePrincess]

Yes I am a coper worraliberty. The world would grind to a halt if it wasn't for us copers. LOL! :)

[LRDTheFeministNutcase]

I think you've picked the wrong situation to make a protest that does need making.

Yes, he should be supporting you more. You should never have been the one doing all the work. But it has nothing to do with his mum's surgery, and you will just make yourself look bad if you make that the focus of your complaint.

Can you bear to leave it for this weekend? And then take it up strongly after he's seen his mum? I think you need to sit down and tell him that you've done x,y and z for the move and you're exhausted, it's his turn now, and he needs to do a, b and c.

He may not realize just how hard you've been working - I don't know if you're like me, but I have a tendency in similar situations to work away madly while silently seething: unfortunately, to an outside observer this looks very much as if I am just quietly competent and there isn't really a huge amount of work to do. For that reason, I think telling him specific things that need to be done is a good idea - that way, he will get a sense of how much work is involved in moving house with a family and won't (with luck) feel you're simply having an issue with his mum (which, by the sound, you're not really?).