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To not appreciate non-resident boyfriend to keep telling me what to do in my own house?

(45 Posts)
JasT1979 Thu 07-Jul-11 10:08:17

So been seeing someone for around a year but have known him about 3 years. He lives about 10 minutes drive from me so tends to pop in quite a lot on his days off etc. The thing is it's really starting to grate on me the way he keeps trying to boss me around with regards the house saying the grass needs cutting and we "Must" do it this weekend or the back door needs fixing I "must" call the landlord asap. The latest obsession he has is a few mould spores in the bathroom. He says I "must" sort it out. Maybe I should get on with it but AIBU to really resent being told what to do by someone who doesn't even live here? He's even got the anti-mould spray stuff out of the kitchen cupboard for me and left it in the bathroom. I'll do it when I'M ready. It's MY house and I'm an adult!! I don't need lectures on house-keeping from a bloke who thinks it's perfectly normal to keep a basket of over-flowing laundry in the living room and dirty socks on the sofa for days on end!!

AIBU in telling him to just butt out of my house-keeping?

cookcleanerchaufferetc Thu 07-Jul-11 10:09:59

It sounds like you are being unreasonable to not tell him to butt out of your life!

LindyHemming Thu 07-Jul-11 10:10:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JasT1979 Thu 07-Jul-11 10:11:40

No he definately doesn't want to move in, he tells me on a regular basis how he couldn't stand to live where I live. It's obviously "below" him (despite it being the area where he lived with his ex wife for 15 years!!)

LoveBeingAbleToNamechange Thu 07-Jul-11 10:12:03

Getting you ready for his idea of a wifey???

fuzzpig Thu 07-Jul-11 10:12:54

Wow, he sounds charming hmm

Does he tell you what to wear too?

OTheHugeManatee Thu 07-Jul-11 10:13:00

Tell him if these things bother him he should either ask if you'd like him to do the job for you or STFU and let you manage your own house.

TrillianAstra Thu 07-Jul-11 10:13:15

If he continues he can be non-resident non-boyfriend.

squeakytoy Thu 07-Jul-11 10:13:50

Sounds to me like he is trying to be helpful in his own way. The suggestions he has made are reasonable ones in their own right and especially the mould, that shouldnt be left untreated.

JasT1979 Thu 07-Jul-11 10:17:12

squeaky it's not so much suggestions though, rather more like "orders". He goes on and on about things like the bathroom he mentions it every time he comes and I feel like I'm being told off. It's my business, not his.

A suggestion would be like "You know, the mould spores on the bathroom ceiling should be treated as soon as possible"

An order is "have you done the bathroom yet? that needs doing! you can't keep putting it off, here's the spray (hands me spray) "

He doesn't tell me what to wear but does get funny if I wear anything even slightly revealing which grates on me a bit as well.

discobeaver Thu 07-Jul-11 10:19:05

Sort of agree with Squeaky. Though perhaps he is being a bit of a plonker the way he is going about it, telling you what you must do. He might just be being protective, but perhaps instead of just getting out the spray of anti mould, he could actually do the job thats bothering him?
Or at least say " shall I sort that out?" instead of nagging you.

SquidgyBiscuits Thu 07-Jul-11 10:19:53

Mmmm he sounds like a right winner.

Seriously, I'd have told him to fuck off mind his own business long ago.

JasT1979 Thu 07-Jul-11 10:22:48

The thing is I lived with a controlling man a few years ago and I love being free of all that having to rush around before he gets in making sure everything has been done to his standard and now I feel it's all happening again. Everytime I know he's coming I tend to rush around making sure certain things have been done. Just today I was thinking "hmm ** is coming later, I should do the bathroom before he gets here" but why should I live like that again??

squeakytoy Thu 07-Jul-11 10:22:59

Ah, fair enough now you put it like that..... he does sound rather controlling and overbearing...

I think if I were you I would be weighing up the pros and cons of single life... and if he is trying to dictate what you wear then single life would definately be the better option.

Smellslikecatpee Thu 07-Jul-11 10:24:48

Get rid now, of him and the mould

MooMooFarm Thu 07-Jul-11 10:25:26

FFS Jas do you really need to ask? No you shouldn't have to live like that again. You are already on the slippery slope here thinking you "should do the bathroom before he gets here".

Jump ship before it gets any worse, dump him quick and take control of your life back!

AMumInScotland Thu 07-Jul-11 10:26:14

I think you should be grateful that he has started acting like this now, and not waited until you were living together / married / had a child together. This is who he is, this is what he's like. Do you want a relationship with someone like this or not?

BionicEmu Thu 07-Jul-11 10:29:09

My MIL is like that. Finally summoned up the courage a couple of months ago to talk back to her. Now if she says "You really need to clean the kitchen floor" I just say "Feel free, the mop's in the utility room." She then either does it or doesn't mention it again, it's a win either way. grin

Seriously, I think it proves a point without arguing about it.

Grumpla Thu 07-Jul-11 10:30:15

TrillianAstra is right. Make him an non-resident non-boyfriend - problem solved!

Seriously, WTF?!?!

If he saw that there was the odd little thing around the house that could do with sorting out and offered to help do it for you without making a big deal of it that would be fine. But pointing out your the house's shortcomings and being all weird and passive aggressive about it? hmm

Bonsoir Thu 07-Jul-11 10:31:47

He sounds very annoying. What are his redeeming features?

ShoutyHamster Thu 07-Jul-11 10:32:12

Oh noooooo

Yes it is happening again. Well done on spotting it!

Have a good think why it is that you might continue to be attracted to controlling men. What was it that initially attracted you to him, was it a similar situation to your horrid partner?

In the meantime, have a sit-down chat with him where you tell him in no uncertain terms to Back Off. He like dirty socks on the sofa, you love mould in the bathroom. You don't tell him to sort it so he doesn't get to tell you. Oh and tell him you've clocked the disapproval at certain clothes and tell him next time it's a sacking offence. Tell him you lived with a controller, don't want it again and are quite open to the idea of waiting for someone better than sticking with another controller.

If his response is along the lines of 'I'm sorry but...' then you know to bin him before you waste any more time on him. Seriously. You've been there before so you know grin

That's the nice advice, but personally I would be moving on right now. Trust your instincts - the signs are all there that he isn't a good 'un long term. My friend married a bloke like this, she saw the signs, had the chats, he promised to clean up his act. Of course by the time she was two kids into the relationship, he was a monster. A messy divorce is now in progress. Seriously, it's easier to be choosier in the first place smile

fuzzpig Thu 07-Jul-11 10:34:55

I'm no expert, but from the many many many many MN threads I've read before, isn't the criticising what you're wearing quite a red flag?

Also, what would happen if you went to his house and criticised it?

buzzsore Thu 07-Jul-11 10:39:37

I reckon there's a good few red flags here.

TrillianAstra Thu 07-Jul-11 10:42:14

Some advice from someone who has been there (not me)

shocked2 Thu 07-Jul-11 10:42:51

Hi jas1979 - don't waste your delicious hard won freedom on this person - he should make you totally happy all of the time..... just the thought that you have to sort the bathroom before he comes over is enough to get rid of him. My dh is critical as well (our relationship not good) and I would love to live without the "what is he going to criticise next" feeling.... Hold on to your life and happiness!!!

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