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AIBU?

To be really fucked off with myself?

20 replies

WhoahThere · 07/07/2011 09:16

I just can't seem to get my arse in gear! I've found being a mum for the first time (DD is 24 wks) challenging to say the least - knew I would because I'm someone who needs people around me a lot of the time so being in the company of just a baby was always going to be difficult. Most of the time I'm fine, I go to groups, visit NCT girls and other friends etc.... however I seem to be fighting a battle against mental slump all the time, and this week feels particularly hard, no doubt because we've just come back from holiday with my parents which was lovely.

The thing that's making me hate myself the most is my lack of motivation to get fit and lose some weight. About 6 weeks ago DH devised a running training plan for me which has an end goal of a certain distance in a particular time. I loved it to start with - not the training itself but the feeling afterwards - but I'm the last couple of weeks it's all tailed off and I can't seem to get myself motivated again. I'm just feel so knackered all the time (dd is only up once in the night so I can't use that as an excuse) and I can't find the motivation to do anything but eat toast!

Just re-reading this is annoying me - what a whinger! Sorry, just feeling a bit sorry for myself - how can I get some motivation and stop being such a wet blanket?!

OP posts:

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oldenoughtowearpurple · 07/07/2011 09:20

Identify what's really stopping you and get over it.
Or set yourself one small task/objective every morning and give yourself an appropriate non-fattening reward when you have achieved it.

nightshade · 07/07/2011 09:20

dd is ONLY 24 weeks. give yourself a break. takes until firstborn is at least two years to have got used to being a mum and somewhat on top of things.

excercise plan? what's that/

GrownUpNow · 07/07/2011 09:21

Personally I'd slow down and expect less of myself, if you are experiencing mental fatigue it's probably because you are trying to do too much to soon.

schobe · 07/07/2011 09:24

I empathise - it's a weird time for some of us, having a first baby.

I felt similar to you and thought it strange but was convinced I couldn't have post-natal depression as it just felt like I was being lazy and whingy.

However, it got worse and I did in fact have PND. Having PND doesn't mean you're necessarily feeling extreme depression bordering on psychosis as often portrayed in the media.

However, it can chip away at you and it's hard to turn it around. I think it's always worth a talk to a HV or GP just in case.

Imnotaslimjim · 07/07/2011 09:24

Please don't push yourself so hard, it really is still early days. My DD is 3 (2nd DC) and I'm only just starting to get into a routine at home, and thinking about shifting some of the baby weight. Give it a little time yet and just enjoy DD. Life is too short, and the baby stage passes too quickly to worry about stuff like that just yet

NorfolkBroad · 07/07/2011 09:27

Hang in there love, it is really hard. I found being a mum incredibly challenging at first, fantastic but utterly exhausting. I also think your hormones are all over the place for quite a while afterwards. I remember, when my DD was 18 months old driving along in the car and realising that I finally felt like "me" again. From then it started to become really brilliant. I know we are all different but I found it really helped to meet other mums, so comforting and reassuring. Good Luck and give yourself a break and do keep trying with the running! Running has been my friend for 5 years now and it has helped me through some really tough times!

SleepySuzy · 07/07/2011 09:28

It does sound like you're being hard on yourself. I have a 7 yr old and an 8 mth old and there are a lot of times when I find it very hard.

If you are intent on exercise, have you thought about joining a running club? They usually welcome beginners and have coaches who can help. It might give you that bit of motivation you are looking for.

redexpat · 07/07/2011 10:47

I find joining a group or class for fitness or sport really helps. That way you HAVE to go out to it iyswim. Sounds like that might work as you get out and about already, and might give you a bit of structure to work around.

I also think schobe has a point about PND and it's worth talking to the GP or HV about it. It might be something physical that is making you feel like this.

Don't beat yourself up. Give yourself a break.

sssj72 · 07/07/2011 11:21

It is hard becoming a parent. Nothing or nobody can prepare you for how much your life will change. There is no more I am just popping out to get some milk, or saying to friends o'h yeah I can come to the pub tonight. All of a sudden you are responsible for this lovely buddle of joy & want the best for them & want to be the perfect parent (whatever that is!) . I know when I was a 1st time mum I had all these ideals about how it would be my DD would sleep then, eat then, I would make lots of new friends, I would not loose my social life, I would loose tons of weight ...... of course this was quite different from reality! Being a mum can for some people make them feel as though they have lost their way in life and their identity. Do you feel overwhelmed at times? Please do not beat yourself up about this & stop putting pressure on yourself. I think the others are right you may be should think about talking to your health visitor about how you are feeling as PND can effect anyone it does not discriminate & normally becomes quite apparent in mums around the time their baby is 6 months old (not at the 6 wk check) . The positive thing is you have recognised & acknowledged that you are not feeling yourself & that is the biggest step to take now take the next step & speak to a professional about it. Everything will turn out good . HUG

dreamingbohemian · 07/07/2011 11:32

Deep down, do you really want to be more motivated, do running plans and all that? Or do you just feel like you should be doing things because it's expected of you, or because you feel bad not doing more?

It can be easy to get depressed if you set goals for things you don't really want to do and then fail to meet them.

I only really started to enjoy my maternity leave when I gave myself permission to sit around and eat toast if that's what I felt like doing. We spend our whole lives working and running around and trying to be fit, there's nothing wrong with taking a few months to enjoy our babies and not necessarily 'accomplish' anything.

WhoahThere · 07/07/2011 12:30

Thanks for the responses. I have off and on wondered if I might be a bit borderline PND, but usually just think I need to pull myself together! I know the endorphins from exercise usually help me feel better when I'm a bit down which I why I started running, as well as hoping it would help me slim down a bit.
However it does seem that it's become a bit of a stick to beat myself up with as it's not going as well as I'd hoped; I guess I maybe need to try and relax my target a bit!

Not sure I could bring myself to talk to the HV about it but I'll see how I go in the next week or so.

OP posts:

WhoahThere · 07/07/2011 12:49

schobe, what did you do to combat your PND?

OP posts:

schobe · 11/07/2011 10:52

Oops sorry, I'm not a very good poster and forget to look at threads I'm on.

I did go on ADs for a short time and they do give me a bit of a kick start. Exercise is also important though that's the one I find very hard to keep up when a bit low. Walking with the baby was quite good as I recall.

I know totally what you mean about failures, especially with exercise, becoming a stick to beat yourself with. I do think you sound a bit borderline PND! Definitely lower standards if you can.

In my case, just speaking to the GP often feels like a turning point. It feels like I'm doing something about it at least.

What about buying some new clothes to fit your current shape? Otherwise you end up feeling crap about how you look and not getting anything new because you expect to slim down soon, which then never happens because you feel so crap etc etc.

Also, starting back at work helped me a bit (only part time and from home). I remembered that I was also a grown-up human for a few hours a week, not just a care-giver.

Hope you see this - sorry for delay.

Orbinator · 11/07/2011 11:06

Every day is going to be different with a baby - so just do what you can as and when you can. Routine for yourself is good, but don't beat yourself up if you miss a day of "training" or whatever.

If you ever have a moment where you are just sitting thinking you feel bored and no energy try just getting your gym gear (is that the training your OP mentioned?) on autopilot and get ready to go out and do it. Once you are outside in your kit you'll find it a lot easier to actually do something.

I'm a great one for tricking my brain into doing things when I had the simple intention of staying on MN all day . It's a hard thing to do sometimes but worth it :)

NewbeeMummy · 11/07/2011 11:08

Just to add my 2p, my dd is now 20 months and I've only just managed to get my arse in gear over the last 2 motnhs to be motivated to do any excercise.

Don't beat yourself up over it, if you're a bit chubbier than normal (I had 3 extra stone after the birth of DD) focus on you and your DD and the rest can come later.

TheProvincialLady · 11/07/2011 11:14

I would imagine your DP has made the plan too ambitious, not taking into account the massive battering your body has taken over the last 18 months (unintentionally of course). I tried couch potato to 5k last year when DS2 was 1 and found it much, much harder than I am doing now that he is 2. Partly because my body has recovered more and partly because I get more rest now that he is more independent and sleeps better. Don't beat yourself up for not keeping up with it. Scale it back to the point where you can enjoy it more.

And if you want to, scale back the NCT and baby classes etc too. Your baby won't be missing out and as someone very wise said above, you don't need to achieve at the moment. You are working hard just looking after your baby at the moment. Relax and enjoy this time, if you want to.

WriterofDreams · 11/07/2011 11:26

It sounds like mild depression to me. People have the wrong idea about depression I think - they think depressed people look awful and can't get out of bed. Yes, some people are like that, but a lot of people suffer from a sort of low-level depression that saps their energy and makes them demotivated. It's more like a physical illness than a mental one, like if you hurt a leg and want to walk up the stairs but can't as it's too weak.

You're straining your injured brain. Give it time to heal. If you had a sore leg you'd take care of it - strap it up, massage it, take painkillers if necessary, well your brain is struggling at the moment after the big event of childbirth and new parenthood. Be nice to it. Give it a break. Don't push it or you'll make it worse. Sometimes with a sore leg you need to do some exercise to make it a bit stronger. Running a marathon is madness but a short walk every day will do it good. Same with your brain. Set yourself one small goal with a nice treat at the end of it. Could be just a cake or a hot bath. Then pat yourself on the back when you've done it and rest. Rest some more. Over time you find that a sore leg gets less sore, equally a gently exercised brain gets less fuddled and anxious.

Maybe you need some help. No one would expect a person with an injured leg to be schlepping up and down the stairs all day. Well you're not well either so it's ok to say look I'm not able to do that can you do it for me. Take care of yourself, you're very precious. I'm sure that's what your little DD would say if she could :)

BabyDubsEverywhere · 11/07/2011 11:36

My eldest started school nursery in Jan, my youngest starts January coming, they will be 4 & 3 by then.....this is when i see me fitting in a weight loss programme and getting myself together. Up until now its just been keeping my head above water and trying to enjoy my fabulous little hobbits as much as possible along the way. Relax OP, bugger the goals, enjoy the dossing period, it doesnt last long enough

WhoahThere · 14/07/2011 13:31

Only looked again at this last night - hadn't realised there were more responses. Wise words from some really kind and thoughtful people - thank you very much indeed for taking the time to offer advice and experience.

In the last week or so I've had a good think about how I'm feeling, why, what will help and what I need to be careful of. It's definitely fair to say that I'm expecting too much of myself and that possibly my/DH's expectation for speed of improvement has been a tad optimistic! I do want to stick with some sort of training though, so the target has been relaxed, and training runs will now be dependent on how I'm feeling and how much sleep I've had. So, a good night's sleep will = a harder run; feeling tired and sorry for myself will mean a very slow jog (if anything) will suffice.

I think I've accepted that there is an element of low level depression there, but I feel I'm self-aware enough to be able to deal with this without talking to the professionals about it. Will keep an eye on it though - as will DH - in case this changes.

And finally, weight loss can wait. It's not a big deal, I'm only about half a stone heavier than pre-pregnancy and it's not the biggest I've been in my life anyway.

So, I'm off to buy a paddling pool and go and mess about in the garden with my dd - she's ace!

Thanks again everyone - I know there are so many people with much bigger problems to deal with, but this has really helped!

OP posts:

skybluepearl · 14/07/2011 15:07

excersise with a friend. theres nothing like it - bit like having a coffee morning on the go with all the chatting

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