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saying I have a long way to go to be as good a mum as MIL (20 weeks pregnant)

(6 Posts)
quirkyrae Wed 06-Jul-11 22:08:24

Hello,
I've not posted before and would love some feedback as to if I've lost the plot or not.
I am 20 weeks pregnant and in a general "sharing our fears about parenthood" with my DP I said I worried that his Mum would compare me as a mother to his Sister. I am very lucky with my in-laws as they are great: MIL ex special needs teacher and sister in law works in a nursery school. DP response, "you'll have to go a long way to be as good a Mum as my mum, she has set the bar very high." I was quite shocked at this, hard to articulate why when asked. It felt quite insensitive, which he isn't normally. To a huge degree he is right, what may have made it worse is that my mum wasn't such a paragon and is an alcoholic. How can I express how it made me feel when I'm not certain myself. All I know is that it wasn't helpful and felt wrong!

CQrrrneee Wed 06-Jul-11 22:10:42

cheeky fecker shock

Longtalljosie Wed 06-Jul-11 22:13:13

Erm, no - not helpful. Poor you sad

To your child, you will be the best mum in the world. That's the way it goes. Your DP is your MIL's child (which is where that insensitive comment was from) but he's a big boy now and is first and foremost your partner, and comparisons with his own mum are not helpful.

Tell him from me he will never have any idea how his mum was as a first-timer with a newborn, all his memories of her mothering were when she had completely got the hang of things. So comparisons are pointless.

pointythings Wed 06-Jul-11 22:13:35

I don't think your DH was being very supportive there, or very understanding of the insecurities you go through as a mum-to-be - but then he's a man, he isn't the one who's pregnant.

I think you should tell him how this comment made you feel. Be very gentle and honest about it, make it an appeal for his support and help. You clearly get on well with your MIL, so perhaps you should talk to her too about your feelings, I suspect she will be very reassuring.

Your DH's perception of his mum is coloured by memories of a happy childhood - fair enough, but you can bet your life that in the early days when she was PG and when she was a new mum, she felt all the things you are feeling now. Clearly she's done well by her children, but there is no reason - however nervous and anxious you feel now - why you should not be the same. OK, so your own mum is not a great role model, but you have taken to your MIL and she is a really good resource for you.

So speak to your DH and speak to your MIL, voice your fears and your feelings and I really think you will get the support you need. Asking for help is strength, not weakness.

chicletteeth Wed 06-Jul-11 22:15:48

Smile sweetly and say "Oh, I intend to surpass"

Then remind him of the mantra "happy wife = happy life" and if he ever upsets you again, you'll kick him in the goolies.

MonkeyTastic Wed 06-Jul-11 22:19:22

What! Well, that comment doesn't reflect very well on his upbringing does it? hmm

Tell him that, see how he likes them apples!

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