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to think my weight shouldn't be DH's No1 concern in our relationship?

(18 Posts)
RainyAfternoon Wed 06-Jul-11 16:11:42

Had a rather depressing conversation/argument with DH last night. We've got quite a few issues at the moment and are arguing a lot. Mostly lack of communication and my not dealing with DH's work where he is away for 10days and then comes home and by the time we're on an even keel he goes away again.

Anyway, we were trying to work out what the main problems are and he told me that the thing he hates most is when I put on weight. I was a bit shock at this as I've always known it's a thing with him, but to say that it's the No1 problem in our relationship I think is a bit extreme - we are supposedly living in the 21st century...

I do have a tendency to put weight on easily, but also try and keep it under control. DC2 is nearly 2 and I have now lost 1.5 stone and am back down to a size 12, so not super skinny, but also not overweight. My point is that I don't have any health issues for him to be concerned about, but realistically I am also now 40 and am past the days when I am going to be a size 8.

I have 2 concerns here. The first and most important is that I don't want DD (4) growing up with any weight issues and around that attitude of women having to look a certain way to be attractive to men. My other issue is that I want to achieve more in life than being a certain size - I have some major achievements in my career in o/seas development, worked hard in the community, currently growing up two little ones, and yet the most acknowledgement/congratulations I have had (and not just from DH) is when I lost 1.5 stone. The time and commitment needed to lose weight in terms of exercise for me is just disproportionate to what I want to achieve and contribute in life.

Anyone else feel that way or am I out of step? Grrr - still fuming from last night!

doodledaisy Wed 06-Jul-11 16:15:35

I totally understand where you're coming from and find it so disappointing that men are so shallow. My hubby also has issues with my weight although he doesn't talk about it. But he also has issues with his weight too and knows that neither of us really have the time or energy to prioritise it at the moment.
I think it's really sad that he's effectively putting you down about this. You sound like you have lots to be proud of in your life.
I have no advice, but YANBU.

Sn0wflake Wed 06-Jul-11 16:18:22

Well it sounds like you have your head screwed on right and he...well what can I say? He's a bit bloody shallow if that is what he thinks is the important bit of your relationship, especially after children, and when you are both not in your 20's any more.

Do you love him? Does he love you? How long have you been together?

JeffTracy Wed 06-Jul-11 16:20:50

YANBU in my opinion and I agree with your reasons. But I got criticised recently by someone who lost weight for NOT commenting on it, so sometimes you just can't win.

Dinosaurhunter Wed 06-Jul-11 16:26:23

Yanbu

thesunshinesbrightly Wed 06-Jul-11 16:27:41

My OH tries to fatten me up...sure he's a feeder confused.

I would tell him,' your dick is kinda small but i didn't wanna hurt your feelings but seen as we are being honest thought i better tell you'.

fanjobanjowanjo Wed 06-Jul-11 16:29:20

Seems odd. My mum told me a story of a friend she once had. Her DP was constantly nit picking about her weight, saying she was fat etc etc so this woman dieted until her tummy was concave and she was stupidly skinny.

Turned out the husband was having an affair with an ENORMOUS woman living down the road.

Tryharder Wed 06-Jul-11 16:29:29

Wow. YANBU. From your title, I was expecting you to tell us that you weighed 30 stones or something...

You are a slim woman. Size 12 is an ideal size for someone of your age who has had 2 children, IMO. Would you really want to look emaciated and pinched with bones sticking out? Looks fine when you are 18 but not great on a 40 plus year old woman...

I really don't know what to suggest. Is your DH as slim/fit as he was when he was 20?

BluddyMoFo Wed 06-Jul-11 16:29:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bonsoir Wed 06-Jul-11 16:30:05

Your DH chose you because he was attracted to you physically as well as for your fabulous intellect and delightful character smile and he has to look at you every day and all he is telling you is that he wants you to look good. It's not shocking - it's caring and loving.

RainyAfternoon Wed 06-Jul-11 16:30:56

No! he's not - I'm sorry - have posted this twice as thought I'd deleted it first time. Bit rubbish with MN. Now I'll have to watch out for ENORMOUS woman down the road!!

OpusProSerenus Wed 06-Jul-11 16:31:41

Like MoFo I have posted half an essay on the other one!

RainyAfternoon Wed 06-Jul-11 16:32:26

Sorry - I meant he's not as slim/fit as when he was 20 in answer to TryHarder. Bonsoir, thanks - yes he is normally caring and loving! Thanks

fanjobanjowanjo Wed 06-Jul-11 16:33:28

Hopefully not sad but maybe there's some other reason he's being such an arse. It isn't caring and loving to expect somebody to retain the same physical appearance after a long period together and two kids. You sound like your figure is fine to me!

thesunshinesbrightly Wed 06-Jul-11 16:34:51

Bonsoir - What a load of crap! shes a size 12!!!

MarthaLovesMatthew Wed 06-Jul-11 16:38:46

OP - you're not overweight. You're not underweight. So presumably you are a perfectly normal weight.

It is NOT 'caring and loving' to criticise the perfectly normal, healthy body of the woman you are supposed to love.

Just in case there's any confusion about that. hmm

Whorulestheroost Wed 06-Jul-11 16:41:17

Hi rainy yanbu. My husband is exactly the same. I also wear a size 12 and my weight has not increased at in from when I first met my dh (apart from in pregnancy but this was lost quickly). I'm sure he think he is some sort of Adonis which of course he is not! I constantly feel the pressure if I put on a few pounds. His attitude is that he can't help how he feels. I can always tell when he doesn't fancy me as we stop having sex absolutely fine by me I have recently lost 11lbs to get down to 9st 10 and he still hasn't complimented me. I feel that he just doesn't fancy me! sad

daimbardiva Wed 06-Jul-11 16:56:08

YANBU...and unfortunately you are not alone. A good friend of mine was recently told by her fiance that they shouldn't get married yet as she is "too round" just now. He tried to say that he said this was because he knew she wouldn't be happy seeing herself "like this" in the photos.

Shallow indeed.

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