to not know what to do

[MassagesDeclinedByNetmums]

I posted about this subject yesterday (here) but this is a different question...

My dad has now told me that my mum will move back to look after DS so I can return to work, but I'm not sure about this. For a start, I feel selfish to uproot my mum and move her back, she'll be over the moon to mind DS but my dad will then be on his own at the other end of the country. I know he's a big boy now, but its my problem, not theirs. And secondly, I'm sure this is a common problem, but I really don't want to leave DS for that amount of time (due to travel and long hours, I would be out of the house nearly all the time he is awake mon-fri)

Apart from that, I'm not sure that I even want to return to my job. Part time would have been just about manageable, knowing that after each day in I had a day off to recover (people always moan about maternity leave not being a holiday, but in my job it most certainly felt like one compared to work!!), but full time was tough on me before I even got pregnant (I have had a few periods of stress related illnesses and depression), and near impossible in pregnancy (I was signed off sick with stress and prenatal depression at 28 weeks when I was hospitalised). When I was struggling in pregnancy, the senior manager had me formally disciplined, and I think it would only be a matter of time before they found something to sack me for, which would look worse on me then if I resigned now.

My dad has also suggested just going back for now and leaving in a few months, just long enough to get a bit of money sorted. We are ttc#2 so if I fell pregnant soon I would have proper maternity leave again, but I'm not sure I can cope, even for a few months. As I said in the other thread, money would be tight if I didnt go back, but just about okay.

I know it probably looks like I'm making excuses, and I probably am, but I just dont know what to do now. I was so used to the idea of going back part time (as I was led to believe, see other thread) that I hadnt even thought about going back full time.

Help? :(

[oohjarWhatsit]

if you can afford to stay home, i would suggest thats the best solution all round, particularly as you want another child. Its unfair to ask your mum to cope with two tiny kids, and imo its unfair to stick them in day care for long days.

[PrettyMeerkat]

It doesn't sound like going back to work is the best thing for you. It's sweet of your mum and dad to offer that she moves near to you but that may not be sustainable in the long run anyway as they will miss each other etc.

It just doesn't sound like it is best for you or even for your son. I wouldn't want to leave mine for that long everyday and they are older then yours.

A friend of mine often says that as a working mother you are showing a good example to your children about work ethic, but it you are never there then you are showing them nothing as they will hardly know you! (sure that will get me flamed!)

If I were you I would look for another part time job or just stay on extended maternity leave until you've had your next child.

Do you have a legal leg to stand on with your company? Disciplining you while you were pregnant made me wonder. What was that for? I wonder if they are always like that with pregnant women and working mums?

[MassagesDeclinedByNetmums]

Re the discipline, I did wonder at the time if I could do anything, but working in recruitment, the bosses are all experts on employment law and know exactly what to do and say, even if it is bullshit. Plus I cant say that it was because I was pregnant as my boss was at the same time and she was promoted while pregnant...

[PrettyMeerkat]

What did they say they were disciplining you for?

[MassagesDeclinedByNetmums]

poor performance, when I'd been telling them for weeks that I was struggling (my workload over doubled in the space of a month) plus I had a week off on holiday and handed everything over in incredible detail. they then blamed me that things went wrong when I was off.

[fedupofnamechanging]

Truthfully, I think you should see a solicitor who specialises in employment law because it sounds to me like you'd have a case for constructive dismissal. They would be able to challenge the refusal of the company to let you work part time.

Also, if you've had extended maternity leave then I think you do have to return to work or you may be liable for repayment of some maternity benefits. Even if you just go back and then work your notice.

Long term though, I think you are better off out of there, but don't let it all be on their terms - they are relying on you being intimidated and thinking that they know the law so well there is no point in you challenging them and that may not be the case.

Get proper, professional advice and then weigh up your options.

[MassagesDeclinedByNetmums]

None of my maternity has to be repaid, thats one less thing to worry about. I will speak to the CAB, but I'm not sure I'd get anywhere with constructive dismissal, my former boss tried it after problems with senior management and they won, and bragged about no-one in the country "getting away" with taking them to court yet.

[fedupofnamechanging]

You might be the first .

They sound like bullies.

[PrettyMeerkat]

Yeah they do sound like bullies. Speak to a solicitor or someone and see what they say. The discipliniary must have been stressful! Just what you don't need when you're pregnant!

[Omigawd]

The job sounds very unpleasant - could you get one somewhere else not quite so stressful with quite such long hours? You will need one like that with 2 kids anyway.

Also sounds like they are trying to manage you out (possibly because they don't know what your intentions are and need to get the post sorted?) and are doing it inaway that you go and they don't have the hassle/pay up. I would speak to an employment lawyer anyway, to know what options you do have.

Personally I wouldn't be ttc #2 while everything is so up in the air, but I'm a born worrier :)

[MassagesDeclinedByNetmums]

omi me and DH have wanted our DC close together since we decided we were having kids (although in the plan I would already be pregnant now ) We figured that the first few years are the hardest to fit work around etc, and its easiest to get it all out of the way in one go, even though we obviously wont have as much disposable income as we did for a while. :)

[MassagesDeclinedByNetmums]

I am looking for another job, I will do anything so long as the hours fit what I need. It wont be great dropping down to minimum wage, which I'm sure I would, but it'd be better than nothing. DH earns too much for me to get any sort of benefit anyway (although I have applied for my tax credit form to apply for that). I'm hoping that I will find something and be able to resign before I even have to go back, although my family do keep pointing out that if I go after they have tried to make me resign, they will win (). I dont think anyone understands that I really dont think I'll be able to cope with it. I know my DS needs the money, but he needs his mammy to be functioning too :(