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to despair at my friend's lack of manners

(196 Posts)
cremeeggsbenedict Tue 05-Jul-11 20:21:05

I appreciate this is my second thread on manners in two days, but it is a bugbear of mine.

My friend has just had a baby, so we popped over this afternoon (we were invited) to meet the baby and shower her with gifts. We took over 2 bottles of cold champagne, cake, chocolates and a sling and hat as a baby present. We weren't offered a drink or something to eat in the hour we were there (in spite of providing drinks and food) and, as she unwrapped the present I gave her she said "I already have a sling" and then bloody gave it back to me! I was brought up to thank people for a gift even if it is horrid/unnecessary/a duplicate.

In addition to this my sister provided her with a big pile of baby clothes as she's done with having babies, which I dropped over a few weeks back, and she mentioned these today, saying that she threw some away and had to send some to her mum as the colour had run between stripes - is this not unspeakably rude when it comes to being given a gift? I don't expect gushing thanks, but to be told that the second hand baby clothes that were given to her to help her out (and she is in a position to need a little help) weren't in pristine condition, and to have binned some - when they weren't rags/stained/crap - is just horrid, no?

So AIBU to think she's an ungrateful wotsit?

eurochick Tue 05-Jul-11 20:23:17

YANBU. I find all of that pretty shocking.

SoupDragon Tue 05-Jul-11 20:23:30

Personally, I think you lacked manners in not offering to sort the drinks out given they have just had a new baby and are, most likely, knackered.

glassescase Tue 05-Jul-11 20:23:36

I would have jumped up and opened the champagne, as you brought it to toast her and babe, and cut the bloody cake.
Maybe she is overtired; is she usually thoughtless?

SoupDragon Tue 05-Jul-11 20:24:07

I meant you also lacked manners.

AuntiePickleBottom Tue 05-Jul-11 20:25:16

She is a new mum, I bet she is sleep deprived and over whelmed.

I wouldn't take it personally, also with the 2nd hand clothes did she ask for them or was it pushed onto her

thisisyesterday Tue 05-Jul-11 20:26:52

yanbu, she sounds very ungrateful and has no manners

with regard to food and drink i do think it's a little bit unreasonable to expect the new mum to go and get you stuff, though i would have thought if her husband/partner was there then he should have offered.
but i'd have been tempted to say "shall i cut the cake then?" and just dished it out!

McDreamy Tue 05-Jul-11 20:27:00

Yes she is being very rude but she has just had a baby and maybe feeling a little tired/over run with visitors/ extra sensitive. I think you might have to make allowances for now especially if she is a good friend.

zookeeper Tue 05-Jul-11 20:27:12

bit harsh Soupdragon; it doesn't take much to cut a piece of cake or open the chocolates does it?


catgirl1976 Tue 05-Jul-11 20:27:52

She is being extremely rude. You could put this down to her just having a baby and being sleep deprived. I guess you will know if this is normal behaviour, (in which case - wow - why are you friends?) or if this is out of character and therefore should be given a bit of tolerance as it is likely hormones and exhaution rather than deliberate rudeness

thisisyesterday Tue 05-Jul-11 20:28:02

i don't think it matters if she asked for the clothes or not does it?

she could have declined them if she didn't want them. and it's incredibly rude to say she's thrown some away. if she didn't like them all she had to do was offer them back or give them away....

AuntiePickleBottom Tue 05-Jul-11 20:28:37

Also just to add, why didn't you offer to make her a drink..... The best memory I had once I got home was my mum visiting making me tea and toast as I was knackered and had eaten or had a drink in hours due to feeding

AgentZigzag Tue 05-Jul-11 20:29:03

Is this typical of her?

If she was really nice before and this is out of character then obviously she needs cutting a bit of slack.

McDreamy Tue 05-Jul-11 20:29:15

zookeeper It might do if she has had a never ending stream of visitors, if she's sore, tired, overwhelmed.

SoupDragon Tue 05-Jul-11 20:29:34

How is it harsh, Zookeeper? It is honest. If you go round to a house with a new baby, it is good manners to offer to get drinks/whatever.

The op is perfectly happy to complain about manners.

cremeeggsbenedict Tue 05-Jul-11 20:30:04

I normally would have re the drinks, but her EXP took the bottles from us and stashed them away and I didn't want to be pushy and say something about drinks, and re the clothes - it was asked if she wanted them, she said yes, we asked for which age group and she specified, and then I brought them over. So I think they were asked for and not pushed upon.

I was wondering whether I was being oversensitive but the present/baby clothes thing has really bothered me and the drinks thing is an addition that I wouldn't have noticed had the other things not been an issue. I appreciate she's knackered, but there's no need to reject lovely, thoughtful help/presents, no?

Mischif Tue 05-Jul-11 20:31:23

I think you've found her measure now. From my experience, you could give her the benefit of the doubt, say she's not herself etc. As I did with a friend. And she was still rude and nasty three years later. I'd just edge away gently if I were you. You've been lovely and she hasn't been nice.

magicmelons Tue 05-Jul-11 20:32:33

YABU about the food and drink, i'm sure as an adult you can survive an hour without both given that she has just had a baby. You should have offered to get them if you were so desperate.

She however was very rude about the baby clothes, she should have either given them back or said nothing apart from thank you.

KirstyJC Tue 05-Jul-11 20:33:16

Wow - you went to the home of a new mother and expected HER to play hostess for you? Have you not been a new mum yourself? Do you not recall how tiring it is?

She was a little abrupt by the sound of it, but sleep deprivation and postnatal hormones can do that. Plus if she was aware you were expecting her to run around after you and serve you drinks and nibbles when they come to see you, then she might have been a bit cross - I sure as hell would have been.

I was also amazed at the amount of tat that people gave me and expected me to be grateful for. Although admittedly I would probably not have told them to their face. Probably.

She might have been a bit rude, but so were you.

McDreamy Tue 05-Jul-11 20:33:31

Well normally no it's not nice to treat your friends like that but having a new baby isn't easy (as I am sure you know). I would give her a second chance, don't hold this one against her, put it down to the new baby situation.

Yama Tue 05-Jul-11 20:34:32

I think YABU.

To visit someone who has just had a baby and have no compassion towards her indicates that you probably don't like her.

If a true friend treated me like this when she had just had a baby I would worry about her, not criticise her.

TotalChaos Tue 05-Jul-11 20:36:23

YABU about expecting her to serve the food and drink, but she could have dealt with the pressies with a bit more grace.

AuntiePickleBottom Tue 05-Jul-11 20:36:24

I think it was rude of her to mention the baby clothes.

Perhaps she didn't want to have alcoholic drinks, I didn't until I was confident to be able to look after a baby after a glass of wine ( I remember I had 1/2 glass after ds and I knocked me for 6 after 15 months of not drinking)

AgentZigzag Tue 05-Jul-11 20:36:30

I was just thinking well I didn't lose my manners when I had DD1, but then I remembered some of the stuff I came out with when my MIL and SIL came round blush

I wasn't myself <<understatement>>

LeoTheLateBloomer Tue 05-Jul-11 20:36:34

You should have offered to put the kettle on/asked if you could do anything while you were there.

She should have been grateful.

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