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AIBU To hate my DH parents!

(52 Posts)
jasminder1 Tue 05-Jul-11 18:34:37

Hi, I'll try to keep a long story short. My DH is Sikh and we have been married for 4 years and have two beautiful kids. My DH parents have never really accepted me due to the fact that I'm not Indian. At the beginning of our relationship they still took calls from other families trying to arrange dates/meetings with my DH (then boyfriend with a view to potential marriage) whilst in was in their house!. They asked me to wear a wedding ring when we weren't married but lived together ( which I refused!) and told family members we were married when we weren't at the time.
I have tried to make them like me and have even attempted to learn Punjabi, things did get slightly better when DS came along but 3 years on and I feel I'm back to square one. They visit every other weekend and stay over (and take over!), his mother treats me like a kitchen maid and orders me around in my own house, they have walked out on me saying I have offended their religion when I refused to put up a picture in our house that they brought with them of their sacred guru ( my DH is not a practising Sikh) and now they have given up talking English in front of me and leave answer messages in Punjabi only. To say I hate them is an understatement, I really don't know what else I can do, I feel I'm constantly moaning and having arguments with my DH about them, he agrees with me most of the time but doesn't back me up or is too afraid to upset his family, I'm at the point where I just wish they just didn't exist, I don't want my relationship to fail because of them but I can't see how it will ever get better.

Nanny0gg Tue 05-Jul-11 18:36:40

Then it is down to your DH.
He either agrees with you and backs you up or he doesn't.
Why do they visit for so long/so frequently?

wakeupandsmellthecoffee Tue 05-Jul-11 18:41:31

delete any message that is Punjabi and learn the language on the quiet .

Katisha Tue 05-Jul-11 18:42:22

You are not part of that culture and I very much doubt that they will change their ways.
Therefore DH has to decide - he can't have it both ways.
Does he understand how serious it is to you, or is he brushing it underthe carpet in the hope that it will all setrle down sometime?

Tortu Tue 05-Jul-11 18:45:34

I have THE BEST list of Punjabi swearwords (we have them spelt phonetically so that we know when the children are swearing in school). Seriously, they're amazing. Even our non-Punjabi children use them. I reckon you should invest time in learning these, then perhaps mutter some occasionally under your breath. Childish, but, meh, seems to fit! Want to see a selection?

(yeah, I'm asking, because they really are quite bad)

TakeMeDrunkImHome Tue 05-Jul-11 18:49:10

<threadbutts and raises hand at wanting to see Punjabi swearwords>

wakeupandsmellthecoffee Tue 05-Jul-11 18:50:52

me too me too please pretty please .

HRHMJOFMAGICJAMALAND Tue 05-Jul-11 18:52:56

Message withdrawn

gramercy Tue 05-Jul-11 18:53:54

ooh, yes. Ds's best friend is a Sikh. Actually he doesn't speak any Punjabi but I bet he'd like to shock his granddad...

LunaticIsOnTheGrass Tue 05-Jul-11 18:54:05

I'd like to see some punjabi swearwords too, please. grin

Tortu Tue 05-Jul-11 18:54:50

Oh brilliant. I've been waiting for this opportunity (not actually heard any kids saying most of these, mind):

Bund Mara Get ass fucked

Mamai Chuss Suck Boobs
Meri Tutti Kha Eat my shit
Tu Bhen Da Yaar You are your sister's boyfriend
Tu Maan Da Yaar You are your mother's boyfriend
paan di laan Sister's Dick
teri maa di pudi vich lath leg in your moms pussy

MadYoungCatLady Tue 05-Jul-11 18:55:47

I think you have two choices - either put up with it, abd accept this is how it is, or stand up for yourself.

If they start talking in Punjabi, ask them politely to speak English whilst in your home.
If they try any more moves with the picture, tell them politely you do not practice their religion therefor feel it would be making a mockery of it and that is not what you wish to do as you respect their religion.
If they order you to do something in your own home, politely decline and tell them how they can do the task for themselves, ie where the kettle and cups are.
If they leave answer messages in Punjabi, call them back and ask them to translate as you do not understand their language. Or get rid of the answerphone.

Hopefully your DH will respect you for making a stand. He clearly wants to but am I right in thinking in his families culture this is not usually done?

They are just in-laws at the end of the day - Indian or not, still people and should be respecting you in your own home!

gramercy Tue 05-Jul-11 19:03:28

ooh, dear. They are a bit rude! I think I'll pick out "Meri tutti kha" to pass on to ds; the others I'll leave for now...

Agree with MadYoungCatLady - in-laws is in-laws. I'd meet them half-way-ish - pictures of gods, for example, you could surely put up with. My sister had to live with a picture of the Pope above her bed for years in case of a surprise visit from devout Catholic mil. As for the Punjabi, that's just rude and I would actually make a plea to their better nature and say it really hurts your feelings.

As I understand it in Sikh families the daughter-in-law goes to live with the son's family - so you have had a bit of a narrow escape!

HRHMJOFMAGICJAMALAND Tue 05-Jul-11 19:05:25

Message withdrawn

diddl Tue 05-Jul-11 19:27:54

But their son has shown the same "lack of respect"?

Why do they visit/stay every other weekend?

Don´t be bossed around in your own house-tell your husband to look after his parents-or tell your MIL to look after herself/stop telling you what to do in your own house or leave.

Why should OP put up a pic of a religion that neither she nor her husband practise?

nomorehotbaths Tue 05-Jul-11 19:28:37

Oh my God, they sound absolutely awful.

You MUST put your foot down. It is your home and it is totally shocking that you should be expected to offer hospitality to these rude people every fortnight. It's ruining your marriage and your life to an extent.

No way can this continue, for the sake of your own mental well being and happiness.Tell your DH that you are not putting up with it any more, but that you will have them to stay occasionally if they can behave themselves and not deliberately ostracise you. I don't care what culture they are from, they are taking the utter piss out of you and making a complete fool of you into the bargain, you MUST stand up to them!

HRHMJOFMAGICJAMALAND Tue 05-Jul-11 19:31:11

Message withdrawn

diddl Tue 05-Jul-11 19:34:35

Sorry, but I wouldn´t see that as a gift.

Who buys something of their religion to give to someone not of that religion?

HRHMJOFMAGICJAMALAND Tue 05-Jul-11 19:48:02

Message withdrawn

HRHMJOFMAGICJAMALAND Tue 05-Jul-11 19:48:41

Message withdrawn

diddl Tue 05-Jul-11 19:56:02

Well I´d be offended tbh.

But yes, it´s possible that their son hasn´t told them.

fedupofnamechanging Tue 05-Jul-11 20:00:37

I don't see why the OP should have to do anything she (and her DH) doesn't believe in just to appease people whose culture/beliefs are different. Living together is acceptable in this country (am presuming you live in the UK) and the OP's culture is no less important than anyone else's.She shouldn't have to bend to accommodate beliefs not even her husband shares. If she and her DH do not practise the religion of his parents then they should not have to put up pictures of Gods, just because her in laws want them to.

The in laws are visiting the OP's house, so should have some fucking manners and be civil to the OP.

OP, your problem is your weak arse husband who won't demand that his parents are respectful of you. In your position I would delete all answer phone messages that are not in English and I would ban them from my house until they learn how to behave. I would also learn Punjabi on the quiet so you can stand up for yourself. Your priority has to be sorting out your husband.

I think it is very bad for your children to spend time with people who are rude to their mother, so I'd also tell them and DH that if they want to see my children it is conditional upon them being respectful to me.

HRHMJOFMAGICJAMALAND Tue 05-Jul-11 20:06:06

Message withdrawn

BabyDubsEverywhere Tue 05-Jul-11 20:07:24

Yanbu, Id be well fucked off tbh! No way would I put a picture of anybodys god up in my house....in my house I am the only god i recognise! They are rude, you need to stand up for yourself, although tbh if my DH didnt stand up for me in that situation it would be a deal breaker.

WhereYouLeftIt Tue 05-Jul-11 20:09:09

Obviously you and DH need to present a united front to his parents, but if you can get him on board this is what I would suggest:

Next weekend they visit, sit them down and explain in English that this weekend is going to be probationary. If they meet the criteria of polite guests, they get re-invited. If they make you fell uncomfortable in your own home then they will not be welcome, and you will instead meet them on neutral ground.

If they want to get all cultural on your ass, point out that an Englishwoman's home is her castle. Culture cuts both ways.

But you and your husband need to be in full agreement before you dare pull a stunt like this. And it is a stunt, but I do think you need to pull them up short and establish that you are not to be treated like this any more, if you are all to move on from this.

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