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to wish I had a better relationship with my mil?

(5 Posts)
Moulesfrites Tue 05-Jul-11 09:22:14

Since having my ds 5 months ago I feel that my relationship with my mil has changed. I had always got on ok with her but now every little things she says and does upsets me, which I know is probably more a reflection of me being postnatally hormonal and over sensitive than any malice on her part. She can be quite tactless in things that she says but I dont think she does it deliberately. However, recently I have found myself wishing we were closer, and it makes me sad that we are not and all I feel is resentment towards her.

For example, she lives about an hour away and does not work. I saw her yesterday and she said "I might see you later in the week, depending on what I'm doing" and i was quite optimistic, thinking she meant we could maybe meet up or go somewhere with ds, but then from speaking to dh later on it transpired that she said that because her and pil are going out in town for a meal with friends and want to stay overnight at our house because it is much closer to town. They do this all the time and I feel quite resentful that they come here not to see us but because our house is conveniently located for them. My mum works full time and sees a lot more of us than she does because we always arrange to do something together on our days off. I know I could initiate something but I don't really think she would want to do anything and it probably would not be reciprocated. I know she loves my ds, but I get the impression she would rather spend time with him alone rather than us both as I think she feels I am too possessive of him - eg when he cries and I go to get him from her she tuts and says "Oh, go on then" and hates giving him up.

I am currently on mat leave but she has always been a sahm as are my two sils, and i think this may be another reason why our relationship is wierd as I feel a bit like the odd one out in the family.

Is it normal for a mil/dil relationship to change like this with the arrival of a child?

Euphemia Tue 05-Jul-11 09:40:24

It doesn't sound like your MIL has changed since you had DS, rather it's your reaction to her that has changed. You're bound to be more sensitive to everything at the moment, between the tiredness, the hormones and the emotional state babies leave you in!

It's hard when two people want to give a baby a lot of attention: she sounds like she really wants to be hands-on with her grandson, but can't get near him when you're there, so I understand why she would prefer to be on her own with him. Why not let her, then you can have a sleep/go shopping/sit in a cafe staring into space reading the paper?

Leave the bigger issues to sort out once you're feeling less emotional. smile

ScarletOHaHa Tue 05-Jul-11 10:21:24

I would let her babysit too. She will not be able to care for your baby as well as you can but she will take good care of him by the sound of things.

I think you sound bored - do you have your own friends? I would never have spent time on my own with my MIL. I think it is reasonable for family to want to spend time with LOs away from their parents (half your luck smile).

girlywhirly Tue 05-Jul-11 15:22:40

I think it's rude to use your home as a convenient place to stay, especially as MIL seems more interested to see the GDS than you and DH.

I am sure she would rather spend time with GDS alone, so that she can re-live her days as a young mum. Possessive GM's do. They also undermine their DIL's and make them feel inadequate, not wanting to give the baby back to you with tuts and remarks is quite classic.

It's more usual for mums to see more of their own mothers after having a baby, so I wouldn't worry too much about trying too hard to socialise with MIL if she makes you feel uncomfortable, if you go back to work it will be less of a possibility anyway. I know how you feel about socialising with SAHM's when you work, it can seem very much like them and us. I got a phone call from the local NCT when I was 30 weeks, inviting me to a mums and bumps coffee morning, and I had to decline as I wasn't starting mat leave for the next 5 weeks!

Have you had a heart to heart with DH about how you feel, because he might be a big help in supporting you. He can back you up when MIL gets a bit possessive, and perhaps have a word about this assumption she has that she can use your home as a hotel, but criticise your parenting.

One last thing, if you continue to feel this sensitive, do talk to the GP. I'm assuming it's only MIL that makes you feel like this, but if you feel like this most of the time, please go and see someone.

oohjarWhatsit Tue 05-Jul-11 15:29:56

why do you take the baby from her when he cries

why not let her try and settle him for a while

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