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AIBU?

Aibu to have chosen dc5 over DHs happiness

107 replies

Finallyworkedoutnamechanging · 05/07/2011 08:10

I have name changed just so that people can't search my user name.
We have 4dcs, all was going really well until halfway through the pregnancy with dc4 when dh suddenly had a breakdown, wouldn't get out of bed, lost his job etc. A very difficult time we ended up setting up our own business so that we could work together from home and moving hundreds of miles to live near his family. Dc4 is now about to turn one and I am pregnant, it wasn't planned, is our first unplanned pregnancy. Dh has made it clear that he doesn't want the baby, he has said that it is my choice but it really is crystal clear that he doesn't want it. I can't have an abortion I just can't, we have no other reason NOT to have this baby (financially, space etc) dc4 has had very little impact on him in reality because he does so little baby care etc. He is now slipping back into his old ways, today I was in the bathroom being sick and he was banging around saying he couldn't be bothered with it again. I know this will cause his mental health to deteriorate although to what extent i dont know.

I feel as though I have chosen this baby over him now and I'm starting to feel unreasonable since I have never considered abortion at all even though I know he has but am I? If I get pregnant and he KNOWS that I would not consider abortion (and neither would he have up until 2 years ago when he first started with depression) am I unreasonable to then choose to have the baby even if I know it will cause him to deteriorate again?

OP posts:

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MollysChamber · 05/07/2011 08:13

The baby was an accident.

YANBU to refuse to have an abortion. Whilst I am not opposed to abortion I struggle to think of many circumstances where i could do it myself.

He needs to see his GP.

toomuchwine13 · 05/07/2011 08:15

I am in a slightly similar position myself, although not quite as drastic.

Surely if another pregnancy was going to have such an impact on DH then he could have had a vasectomy after DC4?

Did you have his depression fully diagnosed last time? Do you think he has any control over his behaviour and reaction to your pregnancy?

Not sure that I have any advice to offer, but good luck.

pinkthechaffinch · 05/07/2011 08:17

Agree with above but I do also feel sorry for your husband. We are sticking at 2 dcs as neither of us want to experience the first 2 years again and I can't imagine having to against my will.

Contraception equal responsibility of your dh though.

Amateurish · 05/07/2011 08:19

YANBU you did not choose, it was an accident. Your DH should not pressure you into an abortion. Were you using contraception?

QueenofDreams · 05/07/2011 08:20

YANBU. And don't let yourself be guilted into termination. It is not something to be done lightly or because you've been pushed into it. If it is something you feel you cannot do, you absolutely must not do it. THe psychological consequences for you would be devastating.

I am not against abortion, but this is YOUR body, and it is ultimately your choice. And I've seen threads on here by women who were guilted/pushed into terminations they didn't want and they are terrible!

LoveBeingAbleToNamechange · 05/07/2011 08:21

Think you have to seperate the two tbh. If you think he is getting I'll again then you have to get him some help.

coccyx · 05/07/2011 08:23

Poor chap sounds like he needs some professional help asap.
Hope it all works out for you

pingu2209 · 05/07/2011 08:28

As this baby was a total accident I would say that it is your decision whether to have an abortion. It sounds like your husband 'blames' you for falling pregnant, even if only to a degree.

MistressFrankly · 05/07/2011 08:33

YANBU

I would suggest arranging some counselling for the two of you to talk through this. Maybe it would help him understand how you feel and help you understand how to help him through this. And do suggest he gets the snip. He cannot expect you to abirt a child you want but you have to understand how hard this will be for him also.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 05/07/2011 08:35

Your dh obviously has issues that manifiested during your last pgy that haven't been resolved. CBT may help but, as there's usually a wait for an assessment appointment, medication may go some way to alleviate his anxiety in the meantime.

Go with him to your gp, and also talk to your dh about vasectomy so that he doesn't have to be 'bothered with it' again.

Finallyworkedoutnamechanging · 05/07/2011 08:43

the question of contraception is a little embarassing - we were using condoms, but since I got pregnant at a time where we didnt actually physically have sex we did not use one that particular time (basically sorry tmi he didnt ejaculate inside but enough went in the right general area and the next um...activites meant that i did get pregnant - I know this was a really stupid thing to do but well its happened now, this is the only time i could have got pregnant in that cycle so i know this is what caused it!)

He didnt have a vasectomy after dc4 because he said himself that he wasnt sure he NEVER wanted more - we are both in our twenties so it is possible that in ten years things will be very different.

He did see his doctor last time, he was on medication he stopped takign them after a few months though because he didnt like the side effects.

OP posts:

BumWiper · 05/07/2011 08:46

Tbh I don't think the pregnancy is the problem,it sounds like he needs more pyschotherapeutic help,and because this pregnancy was out of his control he is floundering.

How are you coping?Especially since your last pregnancy was,by the sounds of it,quite stressful?
An abortion is something you should never have because someone is pushing you into it.By throwing a temper tantrum your DH risks damaging your mental wellbeing.

BumWiper · 05/07/2011 08:49

Just reading your reply Finally and all I can see from your DH is a Me Me Me attitude.

Omigawd · 05/07/2011 08:52

What will you do if DH can't keep it together?

Finallyworkedoutnamechanging · 05/07/2011 08:53

bumwiper (great name btw) I think you are right, he has been well delicate since the last pregnancy, we have been together since we were 15 so have grown up together really. He comes from a large family and since the start we have always talked about having a large family so its not me forcing him into baby after baby it really has always been a choice we have made together (up until now obviously!). when he got ill that was put to one side and it is hard to really see what is going on sometimes one minute things are great the next its as though the world is ending.

I am ok, I know I will be fine with another baby. As I said in reality looking at it and trying to be objective there are very few reasons why we CANT manage another baby but to DH these seem huge and numerous (although he cant seem to talk about them and tbh I havent pushed it because i dont want to make it worse!)

getting him to the doctor is a NIGHTMARE - last time it was 6 weeks of him lying in bed crying. I went first to tell the doctor who then phoned him to persuade him to come in. The new doctor we have i think would be very unlikely to do that and DH seems a litte more "hardened" to it now if that makes sense. Seriously he was seriously ill with a liver infection a couple of years ago and it took a month for me to get him to a doctor/hospital by which point he was yellow. Stupid i know, but true.

OP posts:

fairydoll · 05/07/2011 08:54

'all I can see from your DH is a Me Me Me attitude'

..and this sort of ignorance shows why there is so much stigma attached to mental illness :-(

Finallyworkedoutnamechanging · 05/07/2011 08:56

omigawd I dont know what I will do, I do work in the business but not as much as him and its lower paid because he has the better skills. I dont know.

OP posts:

fairydoll · 05/07/2011 08:56

it's interesting that a week or so ago we had a thread where a mum was having atermination because she feared anotrher baby would push her into mental illness.She had (almost) nothing but support for her actions.
Yet when it is a father experiencing the depression.....
Sexism alive and well on MN!!

BumWiper · 05/07/2011 09:00

I have suffered from mental illness myself but this attitude has nothing to do with his illness.Some people like to blame every negative aspect of their life on MI but that is simply a cop out.

CheerfulYank · 05/07/2011 09:01

YANBU. It would be terrible to terminate if you don't feel you could.

I think he should definitely go back to the doctor. Congrats on your pregnancy, by the way. :)

BumWiper · 05/07/2011 09:03

But the difference is it is the woman that undergoes the termination.It is her choice to terminate.It is her body.
Having a termination when she does not want one will have far worse consquences.

Omigawd · 05/07/2011 09:05

To me the bigger question is whether DH can keep going after DC5, and what the impact on you and DC 1- 4 will be if he can't. If the outcome for you and DC's 1-4 will be substantially worse, then I think you have to think very carefully.

MollysChamber · 05/07/2011 09:05

Nothing to do with sexism fairydoll. What a stupid comment.

If OP's DH was the one who was pregnant and considering an abortion then fine. But he isn't. OP is. Abortion is not something you should ever take lightly and certainly not something that should be done because you feel pressured by someone else to do it. The psychological implications of that are massive.

Omigawd · 05/07/2011 09:07

By the way, as an "Equalist" I'd argue that the decision to abort/not abort a baby should be equally shared between the 2 creators....

Indigojohn · 05/07/2011 09:08

God what an awfully difficult situation.

Honestly? Hand on heart?

I would put my marriage first. I am not saying you should but I would. You are very, very young and already have four small children. There are many years ahead for you to expand your family if you wanted to.

I would put him and the marriage first because one day, when your kids are grown and flown, that is what you will be left with.

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