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Aibu to have chosen dc5 over DHs happiness

(108 Posts)
Finallyworkedoutnamechanging Tue 05-Jul-11 08:10:36

I have name changed just so that people can't search my user name.
We have 4dcs, all was going really well until halfway through the pregnancy with dc4 when dh suddenly had a breakdown, wouldn't get out of bed, lost his job etc. A very difficult time we ended up setting up our own business so that we could work together from home and moving hundreds of miles to live near his family. Dc4 is now about to turn one and I am pregnant, it wasn't planned, is our first unplanned pregnancy. Dh has made it clear that he doesn't want the baby, he has said that it is my choice but it really is crystal clear that he doesn't want it. I can't have an abortion I just can't, we have no other reason NOT to have this baby (financially, space etc) dc4 has had very little impact on him in reality because he does so little baby care etc. He is now slipping back into his old ways, today I was in the bathroom being sick and he was banging around saying he couldn't be bothered with it again. I know this will cause his mental health to deteriorate although to what extent i dont know.

I feel as though I have chosen this baby over him now and I'm starting to feel unreasonable since I have never considered abortion at all even though I know he has but am I? If I get pregnant and he KNOWS that I would not consider abortion (and neither would he have up until 2 years ago when he first started with depression) am I unreasonable to then choose to have the baby even if I know it will cause him to deteriorate again?

MollysChamber Tue 05-Jul-11 08:13:38

The baby was an accident.

YANBU to refuse to have an abortion. Whilst I am not opposed to abortion I struggle to think of many circumstances where i could do it myself.

He needs to see his GP.

toomuchwine13 Tue 05-Jul-11 08:15:30

I am in a slightly similar position myself, although not quite as drastic.

Surely if another pregnancy was going to have such an impact on DH then he could have had a vasectomy after DC4?

Did you have his depression fully diagnosed last time? Do you think he has any control over his behaviour and reaction to your pregnancy?

Not sure that I have any advice to offer, but good luck.

pinkthechaffinch Tue 05-Jul-11 08:17:23

Agree with above but I do also feel sorry for your husband. We are sticking at 2 dcs as neither of us want to experience the first 2 years again and I can't imagine having to against my will.

Contraception equal responsibility of your dh though.

Amateurish Tue 05-Jul-11 08:19:55

YANBU you did not choose, it was an accident. Your DH should not pressure you into an abortion. Were you using contraception?

QueenofDreams Tue 05-Jul-11 08:20:20

YANBU. And don't let yourself be guilted into termination. It is not something to be done lightly or because you've been pushed into it. If it is something you feel you cannot do, you absolutely must not do it. THe psychological consequences for you would be devastating.

I am not against abortion, but this is YOUR body, and it is ultimately your choice. And I've seen threads on here by women who were guilted/pushed into terminations they didn't want and they are terrible!

LoveBeingAbleToNamechange Tue 05-Jul-11 08:21:12

Think you have to seperate the two tbh. If you think he is getting I'll again then you have to get him some help.

coccyx Tue 05-Jul-11 08:23:06

Poor chap sounds like he needs some professional help asap.
Hope it all works out for you

pingu2209 Tue 05-Jul-11 08:28:24

As this baby was a total accident I would say that it is your decision whether to have an abortion. It sounds like your husband 'blames' you for falling pregnant, even if only to a degree.

MistressFrankly Tue 05-Jul-11 08:33:17


I would suggest arranging some counselling for the two of you to talk through this. Maybe it would help him understand how you feel and help you understand how to help him through this. And do suggest he gets the snip. He cannot expect you to abirt a child you want but you have to understand how hard this will be for him also.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Tue 05-Jul-11 08:35:16

Your dh obviously has issues that manifiested during your last pgy that haven't been resolved. CBT may help but, as there's usually a wait for an assessment appointment, medication may go some way to alleviate his anxiety in the meantime.

Go with him to your gp, and also talk to your dh about vasectomy so that he <ironic emoticon> doesn't have to be 'bothered with it' again.

Finallyworkedoutnamechanging Tue 05-Jul-11 08:43:26

the question of contraception is a little embarassing - we were using condoms, but since I got pregnant at a time where we didnt actually physically have sex we did not use one that particular time (basically sorry tmi he didnt ejaculate inside but enough went in the right general area and the next um...activites meant that i did get pregnant - I know this was a really stupid thing to do but well its happened now, this is the only time i could have got pregnant in that cycle so i know this is what caused it!)

He didnt have a vasectomy after dc4 because he said himself that he wasnt sure he NEVER wanted more - we are both in our twenties so it is possible that in ten years things will be very different.

He did see his doctor last time, he was on medication he stopped takign them after a few months though because he didnt like the side effects.

BumWiper Tue 05-Jul-11 08:46:22

Tbh I don't think the pregnancy is the problem,it sounds like he needs more pyschotherapeutic help,and because this pregnancy was out of his control he is floundering.

How are you coping?Especially since your last pregnancy was,by the sounds of it,quite stressful?
An abortion is something you should never have because someone is pushing you into it.By throwing a temper tantrum your DH risks damaging your mental wellbeing.

BumWiper Tue 05-Jul-11 08:49:28

Just reading your reply Finally and all I can see from your DH is a Me Me Me attitude.

Omigawd Tue 05-Jul-11 08:52:37

What will you do if DH can't keep it together?

Finallyworkedoutnamechanging Tue 05-Jul-11 08:53:40

bumwiper (great name btw) I think you are right, he has been well delicate since the last pregnancy, we have been together since we were 15 so have grown up together really. He comes from a large family and since the start we have always talked about having a large family so its not me forcing him into baby after baby it really has always been a choice we have made together (up until now obviously!). when he got ill that was put to one side and it is hard to really see what is going on sometimes one minute things are great the next its as though the world is ending.

I am ok, I know I will be fine with another baby. As I said in reality looking at it and trying to be objective there are very few reasons why we CANT manage another baby but to DH these seem huge and numerous (although he cant seem to talk about them and tbh I havent pushed it because i dont want to make it worse!)

getting him to the doctor is a NIGHTMARE - last time it was 6 weeks of him lying in bed crying. I went first to tell the doctor who then phoned him to persuade him to come in. The new doctor we have i think would be very unlikely to do that and DH seems a litte more "hardened" to it now if that makes sense. Seriously he was seriously ill with a liver infection a couple of years ago and it took a month for me to get him to a doctor/hospital by which point he was yellow. Stupid i know, but true.

fairydoll Tue 05-Jul-11 08:54:35

'all I can see from your DH is a Me Me Me attitude'

..and this sort of ignorance shows why there is so much stigma attached to mental illness :-(

Finallyworkedoutnamechanging Tue 05-Jul-11 08:56:22

omigawd I dont know what I will do, I do work in the business but not as much as him and its lower paid because he has the better skills. I dont know.

fairydoll Tue 05-Jul-11 08:56:53

it's interesting that a week or so ago we had a thread where a mum was having atermination because she feared anotrher baby would push her into mental illness.She had (almost) nothing but support for her actions.
Yet when it is a father experiencing the depression.....
Sexism alive and well on MN!!

BumWiper Tue 05-Jul-11 09:00:08

I have suffered from mental illness myself but this attitude has nothing to do with his illness.Some people like to blame every negative aspect of their life on MI but that is simply a cop out.

CheerfulYank Tue 05-Jul-11 09:01:25

YANBU. It would be terrible to terminate if you don't feel you could.

I think he should definitely go back to the doctor. Congrats on your pregnancy, by the way. smile

BumWiper Tue 05-Jul-11 09:03:14

But the difference is it is the woman that undergoes the termination.It is her choice to terminate.It is her body.
Having a termination when she does not want one will have far worse consquences.

MollysChamber Tue 05-Jul-11 09:05:22

Nothing to do with sexism fairydoll. What a stupid comment.

If OP's DH was the one who was pregnant and considering an abortion then fine. But he isn't. OP is. Abortion is not something you should ever take lightly and certainly not something that should be done because you feel pressured by someone else to do it. The psychological implications of that are massive.

Omigawd Tue 05-Jul-11 09:05:22

To me the bigger question is whether DH can keep going after DC5, and what the impact on you and DC 1- 4 will be if he can't. If the outcome for you and DC's 1-4 will be substantially worse, then I think you have to think very carefully.

Omigawd Tue 05-Jul-11 09:07:47

By the way, as an "Equalist" I'd argue that the decision to abort/not abort a baby should be equally shared between the 2 creators....

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